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this is me. this is my blog - private and public. what you read is what it is. over-analyze it and you will just do me wrong. i do not take assumptions and judgment lightly. not satisfied with me, confront me. i will make you see why i say what i did say. understood? |
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25 November 2009 @ 25.11.09
Day 17
i saw you stopped by your facebook page. i wish you dropped me a hye. but it is okay, i know you won't. i miss you badly! i need you! i can't handle being too far away from you. i'm trying so hard not to think about you i am keeping myself so busy and distracted. but it doesn't work! the harder i try the more headache i get. i'm looking for titbits that reminds me of you everyday. be it your friends, or the road to your house, or the place we went to. i just miss you. and i wish it never did end. :'( Labels: RANTS |
24 November 2009 @ 24.11.09
Day 16
I get to hear your voice today and texted you semi-normally. it feels great to hear your voice. i miss you badly. i was with your friends last night and it was funny. had a huge laugh thanks to E'e (: i wish i am still texting you but i think you wouldn't be replying yet. i guess, you are back to your old life. *sigh* love you. Labels: RANTS |
23 November 2009 @ 23.11.09
day 15
i woke up to your text. it made me smile. i think i fantasized about you missing me thus you texted - even when the text has nothing to do with missing me or us. *sigh* i know, i am obsessed. i wanted to call you tonight. i really did. i wanted to tell you i am sorry that i let my feelings control me. i know you moved on from your past, but learning from my past mistakes made me this way. i am sorry still though that i let my feelings got in the way. i wish it didn't. but then again, it takes two to ruin a relationship, i think. i changed my status to in a relationship. i do not want to be stalked by anyone or anything. most people know that it is just a lie - the status. how could i be in a relationship when obviously i do not have a boyfriend. but then again, that is beside the point. i miss you and i want to tell you that. i wonder how you are doing, are you okay? how was your exams? i miss talking to you. i keep on hoping that you are at home, so that i can easily come and see you, be with you. sometimes i even wonder on whether or not you will be home, and then i would be crushed with certain realities i learned from you. anyways, i miss you. badly. and i know it is old news, but i do. goodnight. Labels: RANTS |
22 November 2009 @ 22.11.09
day 14
another restraining day from disturbing you. i wonder if you missed me though. i've been missing you throughout the day. durians, bubur pedas and every single thing in my life reminds me of you. i wish you are here - i miss your smell, i miss hugging you, i miss cuddling up with you. i kept myself busy enough today and i tried to be happy - i almost succeeded but the smile has yet to reach my ears and my heart. come home, please? they miss you. I, MISS YOU. i need you to be here. i need you to be with me. but i'll give you your space. come back when you found it, okay? i'm waiting. goodnight watt. iloveyou~
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21 November 2009 @ 21.11.09
day 13
i willed myself not to text him or even think too much about him. i constantly miss him though. i even wonder if he's doing okay. i'm worried that he's there alone. i should have stayed to take care of him. but even then he wouldn't want me around right? mum's presence, sudden gum trouble and dad being home keeps the day less challenging. we'll see how it goes tomorrow. cheers.
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20 November 2009 @ 20.11.09 mohamad shahrul hazuwat ismail wahed, it is day 12 after the break up. i am missing you badly. i heard the song 'kiss me through the phone' and i remembered the silly conversation we had - "sik puas kenak kiss dari phone" but still you would insist on me to kiss you through the phone. while i sat at the table surrounded by your friends, i felt you from afar. and my heart cries from the ceaseless feeling of missing you and wanting you. but still i put a smile on my face and try to be what you said it should be - keep them together. i couldn't stop at our usual spot at pustaka, there's too much happy memories of us there - especially the first time we took picture together. i hope you are doing much better than me. i'm sorry i can't accept you as my brother. i still love you too much to accept you as that. i still don't want to move on. not until it is really over. love you always, listiari suyanto. Labels: RANTS |
19 November 2009 @ 19.11.09
i remember once upon a time i felt this way.
2007 was the year. i never wanted to move on, but i crave for the love of someone. i struggled and i fought and i pushed. sometimes i fail to be alive, sometimes i succeeded to forget. most of the time, i swayed and i am barely strong to face the day. now, i have experiences. in the past, an experience made it hard for me to move on. this time, i know it's because of something shakespeare described - true love. i would handle it much better, i hope. for now i would try to be strong, to be patient. until the time cries for me to finally move on and let go. until there is no hope. xxx Allah is really Al-Mighty. in the past, i asked him to guide me towards true love. he did guide me. i found one. and even better, he granted another wish of mine. he gave myself, me. for once, i learnt everything i needed to learn and nothing in my past could help me deal with it. i became entangled in confusion and bliss. one day, i realized it's a little too late - i have taken things for granted. things were over even before i could save anything. and now, i'm going to try be realistic and rational, even when it is hard to do so. xxx i miss you. every day, every hour, every minute, every second, i do. i love you, mohamad shahrul hazuwat ismail wahed. good luck for your exams and each things that you do. i pray for your success and your happiness always. Labels: teardrops of silence |
@ 19.11.09
normally this would be over now.
it has been ten days! *sigh* this feeling of wanting to continuously wallow in pity. this feeling of needing him to want me back as bad. this feeling of wanting to be his. this feeling of needing his assurance that he misses me. it should be over! THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL! xxx normally i would just jump into whatever empty promises the next person brings. this time, i just feel heavy-hearted to move on. i want so badly for him to want me. i am not sure why? i tried my best to be the best for him. and even after the whole break up, i am still trying to be the best for him. how dreadful, obsessive, crazy and irrational is my decision? V E R Y. xxx i thought he would miss me. but he doesn't. *you want to say i am emo. i fucking am. and i blame it on you for making me this way!* xxx i want to move on! i want to be normal! i want to be happy! *sigh* xxx heart, please heal. Labels: RANTS |
18 November 2009 @ 18.11.09
Liss: Hye, How are you?
Him: Good, I miss you though. Liss: I miss you too. So much! Wish you are here. Him: I wish you are here too. I want to hug you close. I miss your warmth. Liss: Come back, Please? Him: I'm with you always sayang. Always, always. Liss: Never leave? Him: Never. Liss: I'm yours and you are mine? Him: Yes. Liss: So we can try and figure things out and you will help me? Him: Yes and yes. I love you too much to let you go. I know some part of it is my fault and I am sorry. I will be the best for you now. Liss: I love you too Watt. Always, always. xxx I am reduced to imaginary conversations with him. you know how pathetic that is? And sometimes, the conversation, it is anger. Most of the times, it is just plain everyday conversation of myself telling him what happens around me. I miss him THAT much!
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@ 18.11.09
I AM BACK IN KUCHING!
okay, i have been here for a day plus already but that is beside the point. xxx so, before this i wanted to talk about a certain someone but i changed my mind. i've done my best and i am proud of it. i did say do not mess with me, especially when you label me as such. you would not have come out alive. i mean, HELLO, if you suddenly go *kapish* into nothingness it would only show that you are guilty and actually DID something wrong, when you said you were 'innocent'! that is where you won your award - idiocy award that is. okayy, i think that is enough on that. too much of it would just contaminate this beautiful page of mine (: damn, i'm nasty when it comes to this. LOLS. xxx well, the day before i left, he came to the house. supposedly just to pick up the keys. but to have him kiss my forehead and hug me close feels so good. i still tried to brace myself though, trying not to succumb the need to be with him. i hold myself close and tried my best to keep the barrier between us when all i wanted to do was just have him close by, happy or unhappy. but that was me being irrational. when i saw his eyes for real the first time that day, i saw what i need to see and it broke me. a part of me was still in denial so i verbally asked. and the answer i get did not give me a satisfaction - not even answers. it just confirms my suspicions of how unhappy he is and how he wishes that i am different. so instead we settled far from each others embrace and talked and talked. we discussed while he diss. i figured its no use for me to bring up all his mistakes when it would lead to no answers or i as i expected, leading to more blames on me. i am already feeling much like a pile of crap without his verbal confirmations and with it, i felt like i was reduced to even worst than a pile of crap. when the night and the talking ends, he decided it would not have been a good idea to be together again. said there won't be any difference. his request was i should change - especially my emotional part. i knew if he keeps on being how he is, i can't changed that part unless he corporates, which i highly doubt. so we part ways, with a hug and three pecks of kisses, and keys exchanged. that night, i couldn't sleep, just like the nights before. when i do, he haunts me in my dreams, making me want to drown myself in the dreams and never wakes up. but the dreams ends the same way, he told me to leave, because he doesn't want me back. xxx i miss him so much it feels like i've been punched so many times i just wished for it to end. i tried to fill in the gaping hole but i can't. i still wish for him. looking for him everywhere. going to places which reminds me of him. doing things that i know would bring the dreams back to me, even if in the end, he tells me he doesn't want me. i just want him to be near. yes, it's a torture, but it is so much better than having nothing at all. i miss him badly it sucks the life out of me. xxx i just needed you to be there so that i would not have to go through this traumatic event. but in the end we both have already figure it all out earlier, you can't be there. it is just not what you do. you are online at the moment, and i am guessing, you are filling your time with being with someone else that is not me. because you would not even chat with me asking about the family you said you loved or even tell me of the things i need to hear. xxx when will i stop obsessing over you? Labels: teardrops of silence |