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the alien  Liss S. (: 23. && Watt's.((: Loves Ice Cream && Chocolates. o.o I am currently in need of new shorts! 0.o" Loves Shopping. Heart Books :)) Still in Learning Processes. Enjoying the ups & downs of my life. C: |
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scream out loud archives
gone with the wind 05.2008 06.2008 07.2008 08.2008 09.2008 10.2008 11.2008 12.2008 01.2009 02.2009 03.2009 04.2009 05.2009 06.2009 07.2009 09.2009 10.2009 11.2009 |
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bye, bye ~ |
08 November 2009
i walked away.
i left.
Happy 6th Months Liss & Watt.
Now there's only I and YOU.
No more US.
i pray for your happiness always.
Bye
Labels: love, teardrops of silence
i always always end up this way.
money gone. man gone. dignity gone.
i am always left with a broken heart to mend.
they say i'll always be there for you, but they never would.
they say that you have been so kind to me, but its not enough for them.
in the end, they give me, it's not you, it's me reason and leave.
while i'll be groping around trying to put a front for all.
repairing again an image lost.
and thinking of the ways for me to recover back all the money lost.
and to think i paid for everything for the past 6 months!
Labels: teardrops of silence
05 November 2009
i couldn't stop myself, i love him.
i always try to numb my heart but i can't.
each time the feelings amplify even when he treats me badly.
i wish i could stop this feeling from growing even bigger.
i do not want to be a lost ship if things suddenly end again between us.
i always try to numb my heart but i can't.
each time the feelings amplify even when he treats me badly.
i wish i could stop this feeling from growing even bigger.
i do not want to be a lost ship if things suddenly end again between us.
xxx
i am craving for chocolates.
maltesers.
toblerone.
daim.
ferrero rocher.
PATCHI!
name it, i am craving for all!
xxx
i am forever hungry.
i keep on wanting to feed myself with McDonalds, KFC, Pastas, and Western Food.
i want to eat all of that on a constant basis!
*sigh*
anyone has any idea what has gotten into me?
Labels: RANTS
02 November 2009
I start the day with the same routine everyday.
I would wake up, brush my hair, tie it up in a knot, look at my face and just shakes my head.
There you go, the same ugly girl stares right into me in the mirror.
No changes, the hair never look good, the face full of popping pimples, the body as skinny as a broom.
I would sigh and just move on from there without staying a minute longer.
I would walk around the house feeling the floor with my bare feet.
I would find it not satisfying - the floor feels too grain-ish.
Then I'll go to his room and peek in – he’s sleeping soundly.
I would stand there for a few more seconds just taking in the sight of his peaceful state and tell him I love him, in my heart.
I close his door silently and grab the broom from the back room.
I’ll start sweeping the floor and let my emotions be swept away too.
I need to face the day with numbness – no anger, no disappointment, and no negativity.
If possible, I need to feel as positive as I could be – considering all the consequences.
Once I’ve swept the whole house, I’ll grab the mop and a cloth.
I’ll mop the floor twice and I’ll make sure that the dusts are not to be seen.
When all is done, I’ll keep things away and grab my towel – it’s time to shower.
Always, the clock shows half an hour after I last checked the clock.
Trying my best not to over think, I’ll settle for a good scrubbing and a good hair wash – 30 to 40 minutes in the shower always calms me and wash away the last bit of yesterday’s stress and negativity from me.
As I step out from the shower, I’ll boil the water and put some clothes on before making a cup of Milo for breakfast.
The laptop would be on and I’ll surf for some waiting for the clock to strike noon – checking now and then on the sleeping figure in the other room.
Sometimes, when I wake up too early, I would fall back to sleep at 1 – the silence getting too much making my mind spinning towards the wrong direction.
An hour or few minutes later I would wake up and make myself lunch.
Watching some TV while revising and also surfing the net, I would try to keep my head from looking at the phone.
Normally he would be up and gone by this time.
Not much would be exchanged – just a few sentences and sometimes just,”I’m going now. Bye.”
I would walk into his room, clean it up and arrange it as I like.
You see, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – I won’t be able to do anything if I think something is out of place or disturbing my sight or my senses.
Night time is the worst time, usually I would be waiting for him to come home – which is usually at 11 or past midnight.
In between when I do not know what to do, I would end up repeating my day routine, sweeping, mopping and cleaning whatever I can get my hands on.
When the silence gets too much, I would turn psychotic and at times my mood would just make a 180 turn without a warning.
And when he comes home, there’s no guarantee that a happy girl or an upset girl is waiting for him behind the doors.
Sometimes, a little mistake could trigger a volcano of emotion leaving him feeling clueless and feeling bad.
I would wake up, brush my hair, tie it up in a knot, look at my face and just shakes my head.
There you go, the same ugly girl stares right into me in the mirror.
No changes, the hair never look good, the face full of popping pimples, the body as skinny as a broom.
I would sigh and just move on from there without staying a minute longer.
I would walk around the house feeling the floor with my bare feet.
I would find it not satisfying - the floor feels too grain-ish.
Then I'll go to his room and peek in – he’s sleeping soundly.
I would stand there for a few more seconds just taking in the sight of his peaceful state and tell him I love him, in my heart.
I close his door silently and grab the broom from the back room.
I’ll start sweeping the floor and let my emotions be swept away too.
I need to face the day with numbness – no anger, no disappointment, and no negativity.
If possible, I need to feel as positive as I could be – considering all the consequences.
Once I’ve swept the whole house, I’ll grab the mop and a cloth.
I’ll mop the floor twice and I’ll make sure that the dusts are not to be seen.
When all is done, I’ll keep things away and grab my towel – it’s time to shower.
Always, the clock shows half an hour after I last checked the clock.
Trying my best not to over think, I’ll settle for a good scrubbing and a good hair wash – 30 to 40 minutes in the shower always calms me and wash away the last bit of yesterday’s stress and negativity from me.
As I step out from the shower, I’ll boil the water and put some clothes on before making a cup of Milo for breakfast.
The laptop would be on and I’ll surf for some waiting for the clock to strike noon – checking now and then on the sleeping figure in the other room.
Sometimes, when I wake up too early, I would fall back to sleep at 1 – the silence getting too much making my mind spinning towards the wrong direction.
An hour or few minutes later I would wake up and make myself lunch.
Watching some TV while revising and also surfing the net, I would try to keep my head from looking at the phone.
Normally he would be up and gone by this time.
Not much would be exchanged – just a few sentences and sometimes just,”I’m going now. Bye.”
I would walk into his room, clean it up and arrange it as I like.
You see, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – I won’t be able to do anything if I think something is out of place or disturbing my sight or my senses.
Night time is the worst time, usually I would be waiting for him to come home – which is usually at 11 or past midnight.
In between when I do not know what to do, I would end up repeating my day routine, sweeping, mopping and cleaning whatever I can get my hands on.
When the silence gets too much, I would turn psychotic and at times my mood would just make a 180 turn without a warning.
And when he comes home, there’s no guarantee that a happy girl or an upset girl is waiting for him behind the doors.
Sometimes, a little mistake could trigger a volcano of emotion leaving him feeling clueless and feeling bad.
xxx
This person that he sees everyday drives him away.
This person that I am makes him sick.
This person that I can never change makes him feel unhappy.
He told me that once he’s not here, I would be happier.
I wouldn’t feel like I need to clean up after him all the time – nothing would be out of place if he’s not around.
I don’t have to worry and be angry because I keep on seeing his laziness and taking for granted attitude.
I don’t have a constant mood swing – which he thinks was caused by him.
He’s a lazy bum and he enjoys being the bully.
I am a clean freak and I can be easily bullied with a look, a plea or a silent treatment.
He takes thing for granted.
I calculate everything that goes on – from the groceries to the hours.
He follows the flow.
I create my routine.
We are the total opposite of each other.
And here’s the part he can’t stand;
I am a clean freak.
I am psychotic.
I am a control freak.
I am emotionally crazy and unstable.
No one wants to love me – I am everything that is wrong.
Plus, I am ugly and too skinny. And worst, I am damage good.
Whoever wants a girl like me?
I am a clean freak.
I am psychotic.
I am a control freak.
I am emotionally crazy and unstable.
No one wants to love me – I am everything that is wrong.
Plus, I am ugly and too skinny. And worst, I am damage good.
Whoever wants a girl like me?
I try to control myself from all the things that cause him to loath me – I try to control myself from being me but subconsciously I can’t.
At times I want to be selfish and just let go of all the pretence but once I let go, he would walk away.
And I would feel that my life has been ripped off from me.
He told me to be myself, but how can I? He loathed what I am and he shows it, and tells it. He wants me to be who I am, he says he could one day accept me, but I know he won’t and he’ll just walk away, like the rest.
This is why I treat everyday we have together as our last day, because he has no more reasons to stay with me – apart from the need to be alive in a harsh environment with no means to survive.
My friends tell me he bullies me.
My friends tell me he’s using me.
I tell them I know.
But I let him.
Because I know I wanted someone to do just the same if I were in his position.
I would want exactly that if I were in hardship.
My friends tell me he’s using me.
I tell them I know.
But I let him.
Because I know I wanted someone to do just the same if I were in his position.
I would want exactly that if I were in hardship.
I’ve spent thousands, I’ve shed millions, and I’ve given out endless.
And what I get in return? Zero.
Labels: RANTS
He left .. but he came back.
For what he can have.
For what he wants.
Because he knows, I am weak.
And I would do anything, would give him everything.
Just to have a moment of him.
And when I sleep, I am alone again.
Labels: teardrops of silence
Disintegration
30 October 2009
I've spent my last nights
strung up and pulled tight.
Holding out, sleep and grow.
An answer comes without a please:
'Do what you want.'
[Chorus:]
Wonder why I'm so caught of guard when we kiss.
Rather live my life in regret then do this.
What happened to the love we both knew?
We both chased.
Hanging on a cigarette you need me,
you burn me you'll burn me.
Hushed with a finger
Don't say you'll never when you might,
or just another time.
This poison comes instruction free.
Do what you want, but I'm drinking.
Wonder why I'm so caught off guard when we kiss.
Rather live my life in regret then do this.
What happened to the love we both knew?
We both chased.
Hanging on a cigarette you need me,
you burn me you'll burn me.
Lie lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
Lie lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
Lie lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
Lie lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
Lie lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
Lie lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
Lie lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
Lie lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh [continues through chorus]
Wonder why I'm so caught of guard when we kiss
I'd rather live my life in regret than do this
What happened to the love we both knew, we both chased
Hanging on a cigarette you need me you burn me you'll burn me
What happened to the love we both knew, we both chased
Hanging on a cigarette you need me you burn me you'll burn me.
i do not like it when you are lazy.
it's like i am seeing you in the future.
it scares me.
especially when i need you to be the man.
*sigh*
but what am i to do?
i can't be the lazy one when you are one.
all i can do is strive to succeed so if one day things go bad.
i can support us - no matter how.
.
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like i still do.
Labels: RANTS
29 October 2009
dear boyfriend,
i know we are going through a phase. a very ugly phase indeed. at times, it feels awkward between us. at times, it feels unbelievable. most of the times, it feels like two strangers trying to not step on each others toe.
i just want to let you know that i really miss you so. i know when we are together i rarely show it, and when you needed me, i at times pushed you away, but i love you. really i do. just at times i want to be selfish and keep myself to myself - like how you taught me to.
i hope one day we can really patch things up between us. i do not like how we end up this way - strangers at most, couples at times. i wish things are better than how it seems.
i miss you badly, it hurts. come back soon.
i just want to let you know that i really miss you so. i know when we are together i rarely show it, and when you needed me, i at times pushed you away, but i love you. really i do. just at times i want to be selfish and keep myself to myself - like how you taught me to.
i hope one day we can really patch things up between us. i do not like how we end up this way - strangers at most, couples at times. i wish things are better than how it seems.
i miss you badly, it hurts. come back soon.
-ls
damn you woman!
damn you!
one day i'll make sure that you drop and cry like a baby in public.
28 October 2009
what i saw squeezes my heart really bad.
i thought i'll stop feeling hurt, i thought i've blocked all of it out.
but i thought wrong.
i saw and all i can feel was these deep feeling of lost.
how could he?
i thought i'll stop feeling hurt, i thought i've blocked all of it out.
but i thought wrong.
i saw and all i can feel was these deep feeling of lost.
how could he?
now, i treat each day as if it is our last.
i give it my all so when he walks away, he walks away fine.
and i'll be the one staying behind in a crumple.
broken and used.
how long will it last?
how long will he be mine?
when will this silent treatment end?
when will he really accept me?
when can i be me?
how long will he be mine?
when will this silent treatment end?
when will he really accept me?
when can i be me?
one day i'll forget who i am and i keep this fake mask on.
i'll be too much of the person he wants and i'll forget that i ever exist.
i know one thing for sure,
i will never be good enough for him.
Labels: teardrops of silence