title: uitm |
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title: i miss you what's the cure to missing someone so much you feel that a part of you is being ripped out bit by bit nonstop?
how can u tell ur mind to breath when missing him makes you feel so choked up your lungs just want to stop working? how to stop the tears that won't stop making streaks on my cheeks for the past 3 hours? i miss you so much! i need you by my side! i just need to see you to feel better. i just need to feel your hand on mine to be whole again. i miss you! i want Mohamad Shahrul Hazuwat Ismail Wahed. Now Now NOW! Labels: teardrops of silence |
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title: annoyed much seriously, i think i might be having a permanent PMS.
(alerting all those around me, i'm a ticking bomb at the moment.) i've been biting the heads of my brother, i've been grumpy and snappy when disturbed and my patience always runs out the door after an hour of calming down. or maybe i am just tired. i woke up at 7.30am today and did all the house work by 11 (including showering and having breakfast.) i was about to take a short nap when mom's bestie arrived, so i have to entertain her. when she leaves, i was just about to close my eyes, and mom calls asking me to pick her up at the airport. when i look at the clock, there's not enough time for even a short power nap, so i tried refreshing myself. it worked but after a couple of hours my eyes felt droopy and my whole body is just resisting the workload that i still have to do. so i ate - you know, for energy. it worked for an hour or so. by then, i'm already developing a huge headache and my eyes wanted to close every second i put my head to rest. when i finally was able to rest - i had another work given to me, send brother for tuition and do go early (around 6.20) and it was 6 when mom called. not enough time for a power nap again. but i gave it a try anyway. and boyfie endlessly messaged me throughout my sleep that i couldn't even sleep! and now, i am annoyed and i know my long sms to him made him annoyed too. i feel like sleeping in tonight, but i know someone would love to see me now. and i know somewhere in between the night there would be, "please don't send messages like that anymore. it makes me angry." (sigh) i love him that much i would always say yes. (hahaha) i think i should apologize now for bursting. i've calmed down a bit. but i am still really sleepy! -.-" |
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title: frustrating sacrifices so there's this thing between my family & i
i do the house chores, they could all just relax. the first week, i was okay - i love cleaning and making the house look tidy. then the horrors starts, no one appreciates it nor want to give a helping hand, much. practically i feel like a maid - and a not appreciated maid at that. i am supposed to be going out on dates, meeting friends, enjoying the town or anything alike to it. but instead i am stuck behind d bars of this house built by my dad. and when i mean stuck behind bars, i meant it literally. i'm almost in tears thinking about all the sacrifices i made for every one and none i get in return. i did go out and meet boyfie and his friends :D i am too darn tired to care about being the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect friend at this moment. i just want to be free. Labels: ANGER, teardrops of silence |
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title: Friends Friends. The real definition of it would always be a mystery to each and every one of us. But I do believe, we hold our friends at a variety level of interest. Some more closely to the heart than their family, some a bit further, some at a balanced level.
Many would say I do not appreciate the many friends that I have but in truth, I do appreciate them. I just do not commit to them as how the society would nowadays. Call me anti-social, call me a betrayer, it is how I am since I can remember. I have a few really close friends that I’ve known for many years, and even them I treated just as normally as I would have treated them when we first met – random calls, at times months to years of missing in action, occasional how are yous and I miss yous, but nothing ever so concrete to tighten an existing bond. I believe I have my own ways to show my appreciation – even if those ways are none as the one they are accustomed to or even if it means a long absence or silence. To say I do not appreciate my friends would be an understatement. I know the ones I can call my real close friends, the ones I can call acquaintances, and the ones I can call friends. Difference is I do not commit to a friendship as whole-heartedly as others might. I rarely do the ‘friends-day-out’ or ‘friends-night-out’ or ‘catching up’. Not that I do not make an effort to do so, I do, it would just seem less important to my family needs when the time arises. I am not a very good friend, I believe. I am self-centered, selfish, ignorant and at times, maybe more than once, a bitch to most. One thing I know is, not even one of you whom matters to me; Afiq, Nadia, Teffie, Khabir, Aikall, and Eshee, ever slipped my mind. Each and every one of you have been with me through thick and thin, especially Afiq, whose friendship I have always abused. I really want to thank you for always being there for me, but sometimes I forget and in the midst of making everyone happy, I realized being ignorant at times helped to lessen of the burden in my mind. Nothing too personal for me, but at times I am ashamed of how I’ve treated each and every one of you. Too many worries would make the tears fall too often and I would be a walking zombie amidst the pale faces, I said and I know it would never be enough to make up for all the losses and all the broken hearts I left, but I hope it would be enough to make you understand. I am sorry I am me. One day I would make it up to you, some way some how. When the time is right. If I never did get around to it, do know that I appreciate each and everyone of you and I do love you. I just do not know how to commit to friends. I’m sorry. Labels: and as i speak my notes off.. |
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title: L&W3: I'm Staying It’s easy to deny ourselves of what hurt us than to admit it. As long as it is denied, it is beyond truth. And as long as it remains buried, things can be pretended as okay – even if the inside is just a volcano waiting to erupt.
xxx A friend of mine told me that being alike makes understanding of our other half better than we would understand ourselves. And each moment would feel like a walk down ‘self-realization’ road – a self-made bitch slap that stings your cheeks for days! He was damn right about it. Even through all the bitch slaps, I could not have stopped myself from falling in love with him. I used to pray, for many nights, to be granted one of the many wishes that pass through my head everyday. One of them is to meet me with someone that is exactly as I am in almost every aspect because then he would know what would make me happy and how to do it. To finally have my prayers answered were exhilarating and also a step towards realization. Allah is Almighty and He is the only one that would be the granter of our wishes. Every wish would not be granted to the dot. If there is, then the challenge would not be enough to make us grateful, would not be big for us to understand the work of Allah s.w.t.. Even this wish has its flaws and holes. Many would expect imperfections to downgrade, but here, the imperfections would stay unrevealed. It is merely a wake up call to me, a realization, and another road with the many junctions to complete my other wishes. xxx Things would be rough, things would be crazy. At times, it could be unbearable. But we have given up so easily in the past, with a fight we thought worth it, with our dignity crushed to the core, but we know deep inside, it was not enough – none of the sacrifices were enough because we could have done better. We took the easy way out – to flee and be free. Now I’m going to stay and surrender to you – to a fate that I think entwined us. I do not want to let go, I couldn’t let go. You make me a better person, make me myself. And that, with many other reasons, is why I love you. You could ask me to leave, but I’ll never be far – because I promised I’ll stay. Labels: and as i speak my notes off.. |
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title: L&W2: Mirage When love grows, the hurt in us grows with it. The aches of the over-exposed heart make us double up in pain and at times weaken us to a point of not getting up from bed. That is how I feel sometimes. Maybe that is how it feels to give a part of yourself to receive the other part from your partner – making you and the other, each other’s better half.
Looking into his eyes during our earlier days, I wonder if we made the right decision to be together. I could have chosen another candidate, another twin – physically alike, to be my partner. Instead I choose this stranger that I felt as if I have known my whole life; a stranger that I have yet to figure out our future together because we both lacked it all. If there’s anything to describe how it feels; find yourself a mirror and look back into the eyes staring back at you through it. Sometimes we say we know who we really are but those eyes staring back at you is the eye of a stranger – person that we are scared to admit, a person we deny. That is who I am to him and who he is to me. It always takes a huge blow to the heart for us to dig out the words to express the experiences of love, and I took mine last night. A huge dose of it and I top it up with another right this morning. But that’s going too far off from the coast of the storyline. xxx 09.05.09, 2.32 a.m.; the date and time when everything starts to work in sync with our everyday life. But sometimes, it throws us off balance that we had to part ways to stop hurting each other the way we both know could. To see imperfections and flaws mirrored and done unto self the way one has done unto others – it is a feeling worst than killing a friend, embarrassment worst than nudity in public, pain worst than a dozen knives stabbing you from the back. But what can a person ask from a person they knew too well, nothing but to accept such cold, hard truth with heads held up in the sky and dignity still intake, as high as it should. xxx Nothing is ever going to be perfect for us. And, it will never be. Labels: and as i speak my notes off.. |
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title: quickies been busy this week - thus no updates.
mom was busy with outside work. the house is my chore. **housewife in training** night time was spent wisely with Watt. (: I'm experiencing writer's block - its hard to describe the experiences. lots of things to jot down && there's always something that could not be explained with words. I do not like feeling restless. I do not like the fact that this new feeling is driving me nuts. **sigh** but I love it, every little bit of it, nonetheless. will be away for two weeks off to see the queen, the devils && the monalisa. and oh, bitches of Kuching seriously have no life. I quote myself, "No fucked up mouth can be closed just because I crossed the border of Kuching." move on && fuck off already. no one wants you to disturb our life. if I do irritate you with OUR happy life, I can only say I'm so sorry that yours is pathetic enough for you to bitch about OURS. p/s: if you are below Paris Hilton, that makes me way better than you. who the hell compare themselves with a stupid, idiotic, dumbass blonde anyway? Labels: and as i speak my notes off.., beechy |
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title: L&W1: The Beginning Here’s a story of two people, from two different worlds, two different areas. Here is a story of two people scared to be in love but giving it a try. Here is a story of two people, who met years ago, as strangers and end up as couples. Here is a story of coincidence. Here is a story of us.
Each year we complete our cycle on the same day, same date and, probably at the same time, every year since our birth – midnight; when everyone swamped us with their best wishes and greetings. Each year passes by without any hint of today. Each year, thoughts of the other rarely cross our mind, till recently. And recently scares both of us to the core. We knew each other existed, but I never knew that we were a part of each other – twins of different parents, different genes, different DNAs. When we first met each other, eight years back, we were strangers. Names were exchanged, acknowledgment understood. We were not meant for each other back then. We both were somebody else’s. And I, being the oblivious person that I was, never take another backward glance at him. Even now, I can hardly recall memories that held him within it. Flashbacks of where I used to see him, and who he is with would travel in my head – nothing more, nothing less. He is just there, standing, or sitting or just looking. Reaching my first step of freedom, I met him again – still vague memories of him sitting at the famous restaurant there while I pass him by, exchanging nods or a wave swamped my head – nothing ever so concrete, just a blur. Come a certain point of time, we both moved. Now, he is where I am, and I am where he is, again unplanned. How and why, we both couldn’t find the right answer for it, yet. How it all started between us is still a mystery for me. It is still a mystery for him. Even those around us find it, unexpected, out-of-the-blue, sudden. It never dawned on both of us that we would feel what we feel today. It feels like we’ve been set up, it seems too much of a coincidence. But this is the beginning of our journey - a journey that we both still recall till today; a journey of healing, of pain and of disbelieve. This is a story of how he came to be in my life, a part that strokes the chords of pain, love and beauty - a story of Liss and Watt. Labels: and as i speak my notes off.. |
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title: Mummy Dearest. Dearest Mum,
I would like to share with you something I have been waiting to share and tell for the past few days. Time were never on our side and I blame myself for having such doubts on what you would thought of this girl you once called stupid for being too in love. When we talked about my love life, you never have the confidence for me to stay long with anyone just like everyone else in this world. I always thought that it is a habit that I could not end, an addiction for endless attention and love, a hunger for the care that I lacked before. But then tonight it dawned on me, I am this way because this is the way everyone believed me to be. As long as I do not stick to one, as long as I could jump from one relationship to another, I would not be stupid and I would not be the burden you don’t want to bear. I remember the day you called me stupid in front of the house. You asked me, “Why are you so stupid Liss? Why do you make yourself this way?” You knew the answer, yet you still asked me because I remember you once were the way I was – on the floor, crying, searching for that strong pillar to hold you up, to give you strength, to understand, to let go. After all of it, you hugged me and told me, don’t be so stupid anymore. So I stopped believing in love. Another came along and broke my heart – but you knew along the way, I was never loyal, even when I didn’t tell you about it. You knew I was in love with him, and at the same time, you knew being far would kill it all. You let it be, you never ask me again. One day the pain was too bad for me to handle and I knocked on your door. “Mum, he was with me just for revenged.” I said through the heavy sobs and tears. You hugged me close and said, “Its okay. There’s one eternal love – Allah s.w.t.. Just focus on your studies for now. Pray and study. It will be okay.” You said it all over again till my sobs subsides and I was finally sleeping. You never asked me again after that. I bring home a couple of guys home afterwards. I didn’t tell you about those in KL and Melaka. I didn’t tell you about my reunion with Fidzel. I just told you that he’s helping me with my work. Somehow, I feel that your reaction would just be the same as Afiq. A disappointment that stabs through my heart far worst than any of those whom ever broke my heart because I needed you to believe in me, to support me, to give the encouragement that would boost my confidence up. Well here is something I have wanted to tell you for the past couple of weeks. I am in a relationship again mum. I bet you knew that through your Facebook. I also bet that you felt it would only be for a short while - toys that I found interesting then and there. Once boredom strikes me, it would be thrown away. I do not want to be that kind of person anymore mum. I want you to believe in me. I want you to encourage me. I want you to be a part of this. He is me, mum. We were born on the same day, same year, almost the same time. We are practically twins of different parents. We could talk with our mouth shut; we could talk through our eyes. We share tons of things in common and the similarity strikes me as the bond that we felt is important. He wants what I want and I want what he wants. I know we are still new, but I need you to believe that we could make it, somehow, some way, now. Coincidence after coincidence bumped into us and we could not ignore it any longer. We are confused mum, I am confused. I need you to walk me through this, but when I look into your eyes, I see all your answers, silence – as it has always been. I remember your sinister words that I took lightly once. It rang in my ear each time I want to tell you about this. It stopped me in the middle of my track. It made me wonder if you would just be like Afiq. The answer came clear, the answer need not be said – yes, you would. I just want you to believe in me that I could do this mum. I want to tell you about him and how I feel so happy. I want to talk about the coincidence that struck us nonstop. I want you to be apart of all of this, just as his mum does. I want you to care about our relationship just as you cared about Lidia’s. I’ve been away for 6 years mum and not once I felt you actually talked to me the way you talked to Lidia tonight. The bond you have with the others is something I envy, something that I wish I had. But I am an adult. I am supposedly free and mature - a grown woman who needs no mother to guide her but need to make her own mistakes and learn from them. Maybe that is why you didn’t care. Maybe that is why you turned a blind eye against all of it. Maybe that is just the way it is between us. These are the things I want to tell you mum, tonight. But you were too busy lending your ears to others that needed it more. I am just the listening ear, the helpful hands, the workforce to lighten your burden. I take, but I can’t give – yet. I wish I can. I just want to share, but I can’t. I just need you to believe, tell me you believe, but I know it won’t happen. So it’s okay. Maybe I understand it now. I Love You Mom, even when this heart of mine bleeds because of you. -Liss. Labels: teardrops of silence |
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