profile the alien Liss S. (: 23. && Watt's.((: Loves Ice Cream && Chocolates. o.o I am currently in need of new shorts! 0.o" Loves Shopping. Heart Books :)) Still in Learning Processes. Enjoying the ups & downs of my life. C:

tagboard scream out loud archives gone with the wind 04.2008 05.2008 06.2008 07.2008 08.2008 09.2008 10.2008 11.2008 12.2008 01.2009 02.2009 03.2009 04.2009 05.2009 06.2009 07.2009 09.2009 10.2009 11.2009

affiliates bye, bye ~ {Nadiya {Irastri {Aidiel {Nadiaz {Nadiaz Photoblog {Stephy {Azie {Izzah {Fira {Syaqina {Yana {Zayna {Azzy F. drumrolls take a bow Designer Colours / Headers Icon

Well, I do think I am beyond excited about leaving this place. Or probably I am just really excited to be with my boyfriend again after weeks! **grin** I’ve packed almost all the stuffs that I need and suddenly I saw that I look good in the shirt that I wear tonight which means I am definitely going to be bringing an extra shirt just because I realized I love the way I look in this shirt. Well, another black won’t do much harm anyway. **smiles** The packing continues. Oh, the drama of choosing.

Mom practically bugged me into buying a printer here and I did. The horror of bringing this much of stuffs is yet to be lodged in my mind but I can assure you that I doubt that I would feel comfortable traveling with it. I mean obviously, as I am a girl, I have a huge luggage which is practically flooded with clothes to be worn on campus. That is yet to include the clothes that I would use to feel pretty and expensive and my necessities! **sigh** Can someone grant me a wand and a spell to shrink everything so that I can really travel lightly and oh yes, the spell to return it to its own size later. **clap hands** I am clever – in my imagination, of course. I told you there’s drama behind packing. Do you know that there is a possibility that you need the clothes you leave behind and maybe, just maybe, we could be running out of clothes due to laziness? We need back up people. Back up clothes, shoes and accessories I mean. **clap hands** Which colour should I bring and which kind of clothes would be appropriate for the many occasions? **sigh** I can’t choose!

Day by day, my blog becomes more of a place where I sort my mind. I used to think of my blog as that way too before this but now it seems like I’m back to treating it like a canvas where I pour all my brains out and see the connection, solution and craziness of my behaviour and my ramblings. **shrug** Then again, the owner of the blog, is me so it does not matter if anyone has a problem with it because my blog is part of my life. Ego Alert!

I need to start waking up early. This habit of waking up at noon is really bad and I am starting class in two weeks time! Yikes. Somebody better grant me my wish, please! Ignore the begging. Seriously, ignore the begging. **laughs**

I am finally sleepy. There are more dramas for me to share with the world but I will wait until tomorrow or the day after, probably. I am darn sleepy at the moment. My jaw is aching from the constant yawning. So, I will sleep. **snores**

Labels: just one of the boredom posts

Remembering back on the people I have met personally throughout the one year, I can only smile from all the secrets that we share. This is the special bond that I have with every person that I met before, a memory that can be replayed and to some, wishing it is continuous. I remember Hafizi, Johann, Hafidzel and Hamzah; my babies and my sayangs – all of the four guys that have helped me learnt the true meaning of who I really am and what I am worth within the year of 2007.

As the clock ticks to 2008, I was blessed with a new community and a bunch of new friends that has helped me be a stronger person than who I was last year – Hezraat, Wan, Fya, Rafika, Zeb and Ebroheam.

Slipping in and out of the explicit game of two, weaving myself into a tangle of lies and understanding, dancing with the meaning of friendship and learning the value of home away from home has brought me to the point that I am today. Looking back, I have made myself proud in being the person I am today. I may cry more often than I ever would gather my cried tears the past 5 years but it was all worth it. I am standing here today, with a smile on my face and a happier mind and heart.

Hafizi, Johann, Hafidzel, Hamzah, Hezraat, Wan, Fya, Zeb, Rafika and Ebroheam; I have shared many of my detailed secrets with you and I have your fair share of secrets with me. I learn a lot from your past experiences and I learn a lot from the mistakes that we made. I have never regretted knowing you or ever getting to know you better. In darkness our memories have been the greatest shine in my life. I thank you for your companions and your friendship. I love you people with all my heart and I wish that you will be blessed with many experiences such as the ones I go through.

No matter if we have to hide in darkness with our friendship or be out in the daylight, savouring the sunshine, I would stand by your side, just as you have been when I need you to.

Labels: long journey of the brain

Labels: speechless

The boyfriend told me that I need to think of what I want and what I need. If it was to be said in a general way, I have yet to think about this seriously since the first few days of January. Back then, I had my life set for at least five years. My dreams were big and definitely happy. I even imagined the house that I wanted and the kind of room that I would love. I thought about cars and I was driven to finish up my diploma. I was satisfied with a so-so life of not much money involve. As of now, after many things ruining all my plans and burning my dreams to dust, I opted for a simpler dream and a longer term of achieving them.

What do I want?

• Material wise, I will never be able to list it down. I live my whole life with having granted most of the things that I ask for. I am definitely one of the breathing, living and walking spoilt brats the world has created. I crave for an endless supply of money so that I can shop and travel as I may. I would like to just swipe my cards and be happy with knowing that someone else is taking care of the payment for me.
• Relationship wise, I want a guy who would splurge on me without a care in this world. A guy who would not only shower me with love but also gifts in many forms to show his affections and love. I would like to have a guy who is a complete package of having a lot of money but he is also a perfect person by nature after stripping of his status.
• Life wise, I never want to live a hard life. I love living life the easy way but I know that one day I have to start from scratch just like all our ancestors do before I can be the Lady Boss.
• Self wise, I want to be selfish. I want to put myself first every single time. I want to be able to say things without giving two hoots about what impact it may have on others. I want to be so selfish that even I would feel like a queen.

What do I need?

• Material wise, I only need a new phone, a camera and an endless supply of internet. All of them are on its way to being granted within a year.
• Relationship wise, I need stability and honesty. I want my boyfriend to be my friend and my lover just as I would be to him. I want him to be the person he turn to when thing go wrong. I want him to proudly tell people that this girl beside me is not only my lover; she is also my family and my best friend.
• Life wise, I need to learn how to cook proper food. I suck in cooking but I rock in baking. So yes, I need to balance it out.
• Self wise, I want myself to forget all that I want and just be satisfied with what I need.

It is high time for me to scratch all that I want. Steffie, you may be right. I have always dug a hell hole for myself but I am happy I this hell hole. Yes, I do envy your relationship with the Don but I could never afford to have a relationship such as that with any of the guys I have met. They may be assholes for going dutch or totally fast forward, but it is okay for me because I am still happy. I love them for who they are and as much as I want to be selfish, I can’t.

I hope with this post, all those that I want will be buried along with the dinosaurs.

Labels: long journey of the brain

I typed something earlier and it was already long and I accidentally deleted it all and now I have to type it all over again. **sigh** I’ll make it in a list then. At least I need not repeat it thousand of times if I accidentally delete it again.

This was what I typed about two to here days ago. Well I am still putting it on though. I want to remember the things I want to buy once I get the chance in KL.

Clothes:

• A couple of shirts – something bright and happy. Maybe white, yellow or green.
• A couple of sleeveless – something black, maybe a blue piece too.
• Colourful shorts. **yay**
• A few dresses too! Maybe a pinafore kind of dress? ♥♥

Shoes:

I am currently only crazy about two pair of shoes. Both pairs are from Converse.

Flip flops:

Ipanema has the most comfortable collection of flip flops. There are about three pairs of them that I wish to get.

Perfumes:

Oh, perfumes! I love perfumes. I wish I have more of it though.

Handphones:

Sony Ericsson K770i

Sony Ericsson C902

**I can't continue on with the list. It is making me depressed. **sigh**

Labels: my list

Even after two nights, I can still feel that I am being pulled down by things happening around me. It is as if the fact would not settle in my head unless I see it with my own eyes. I am praying hard that it does not happened to me. I do not think that I could handle seeing him. It is even painful to talk about it without flashing back to what I saw. How could you revenge on someone that has been honest with you and trying to protect you from harm? I just hope that I will feel much better tomorrow. I am tired of feeling broken and tied down to my past. I need to repair myself and get rid of all the old parts in me. I am done being torn up! Yay, I can feel that my soul is soaring a little bit higher than the pit I was in.

The talk with Wan has made me think of a couple of things. I used to be in a couple of relationships where my life is tied to the phone – constant messages, calls for every night and whatnots. I doubt I can handle the kind of relationship anymore but I am willing to give it a try for my new life sake. There was also an episode in my life where I did not bother much with my phone – phone was just an alternative of boredom. Thanks to the person who makes me me now. At this moment, I am still wondering how I feel about tying my life to the phone yet again. Part of me feels happy that I am finally the main attention in someone’s life. While another part of me rebelled for the freedom that I used to have. **sigh** It looks like I have to wait till I am less confused.

At times I think that I was obligated to message my boyfriend. I always wait for the feeling to pass by before I reply his message. I do not want to feel as if being with him is a burden to me because he is not. Eb's a terrific and understanding guy. I have never felt any less grateful to be with him. We can talk for many hours about things that bother our life. We share every past experience and every nook and cranny that is there. We learn the maze of each other’s attitude and I love the fact that he never gives up on me. I do think I owe him the biggest apology for being who I am tonight. I was a pain in the ass and I know it. I wonder why I feel like I need my space not to be disturbed by anyone. I feel as if I am lapsing into another well known attitude of mind – silence being the key to most of my communications. I’ve figured out why! I share just about everything with the boyfriend and after some time, I ran out of things to tell him. I like to be able to feel that I craved to hear his voice and I miss him for being far from me. I love you Muffins and I do miss you, so much. And another reason is a private reason that I will only share with the boyfriend.

I seriously hate the way I feel at this moment. I wish I can be happy and not be worried about anything. I love being the person that I am. I love my mood swings, my silent moments where my brain works overtime, I love my appetite for food and I love every part of me that is on my body. But at times, I want to be someone else. I want to take a break from the life that I have – all the dramas and all the craziness is sometime too much for me to handle. I want a self vacation. Hun, let’s get away for a day or two, together. Please?

I really do not understand what I rant in here but there it is - every single word that runs in my brain today and finally squeezed out. I am now off to bed the way I should be. My head is spinning from the drowsiness and soon my jaw will ache from the constant yawning.

Labels: long journey of the brain

I was supposed to write a dedicated post for Aidiel and every day I keep on postponing it. So now, here it is, finally.

Dear Aidiel,

You have been among the best chat buddy that I have and I could bitch at just about anything and anyone with you. You do look freaky at times, but your freakiness is the good kind of freaky. Your name still don’t hold any meaning no matter if u say it’s supposed to be Adil because if translated to Arabic, it still holds no meaning – I mean Aidiel not Adil. I hardly miss you now because I just saw you at about 5pm and I think; green is really your colour. Good choice on what you chose for Nazira. I know she will love it.

I’ll be gone soon and don’t get in too much tangle of a mess. Wait till I get back. No running of to being emo like my ex, the MCR boy. Take care.

You Know You Love Me,

xoxo.

Labels: just one of the boredom posts

Labels: long journey of the brain

I woke up today feeling extremely lazy and tired. My eyes were puffy, my throat hurts and my whole body felt as if it was beaten with a thousand sticks. Slowly walking back to my room, I found what I was looking for, the last couple episodes of Gossip Girl. I watched it for two hours before getting up again and see the rest of the family.

I had my lunch and talked to my siblings. After showering, we played with the kittens before mom told me to accompany her to pick up two of my cousins/relative. After sending those two back home, we went to the salon to cut my front hair. Everyone loved how my hair turns out that none offer to cut it.

Labels: long journey of the brain

Yesterday, I left the security of the house and splurge myself into the adventure of being in town after 7pm – searching for a tracksuit. **laughs** Drama much? It’s the whole point. I actually have to literally peel my butt off from my bed to do the adventure. Lucky for me, I have a willing adventure partner to help me search for that one semester/ two semester tracksuit – Aby. The prize of the adventure was a lot of laughter, KFC the food that I have been craving on for a week and CIGGIES.

Yes, my dear readers, after a long and painful 15 minutes of searching for the cheap yet pleasant looking tracksuit, I finally found one that I know will be comfortable especially during the days of waiting for Mr. Sahak to finish his everyday speech. The good thing about being in PBSM is that people do know that you are one of the weakest people in UiTM. I mean, look at me! I wrapped my palms around my wrist and the ends of my fingers do not only meet, but it crossed over each other! Exaggeration alert. **laughs** Anyways, after a few more minutes of walking aimlessly, we ordered our food and had an enjoyable time eating KFC and talking about things that used to matter to us.

Before this, when I said Jah has another girl in his life, I always thought it was just a rumour. I never wanted to believe that it is true. At the back of my mind, he will always be at his friend’s house getting involved with drugs and some other illegal activities. It has never occurred to me that he will be in another girl’s arm. Last night proved I was wrong. A couple of Jah’s friends have been trying to cover up his tracks and try to hide the truth from me. It may be the lack of attentiveness and the bond we created through out the months; they spilled the beans accidentally and purposely. With this confessions and some tripping, I made one of the worst judgment I ever made, ciggies in rows after another and a huge glass of Caramel Ice Blended from Coffee Bean. The aftermath includes vomiting my whole stomach content out and an endless shaking spell for an hour.

After an hour long talk with the boyfriend, I tried to calm myself to sleep. But sleep would not settle in. Without bothering the thoughts in my head, I clicked on Gossip Girls and watched three episodes in a row. It was a momentary relieved that not a word from another person can replace. At that point of time, I lived in the past where gossips were the ruler of Kuching. I was Blair fighting to keep my dignity. I was also Serena living my life as my heart says. Everything else disappeared.

Looking at the clock it was already three in the morning. With an appointment scheduled today, I had to get some sleep.

Again, sleep made a fool out of me. I searched for a hand that was there to calm me to sleep, a hand that was there to keep my eyes close, and the hand that keeps all the noises away. I miss you Eb. I needed you and your hug so badly at the point of time.

Soon after that I found out that it was an honest story, it was never a rumour. My laughter and my mask were gone. I never expected the effect of it will be huge to me. It is true that I, myself, was not as loyal to him as I should be but I did love him, which makes it hurt harder. I knew the feeling of being used, being ignored and being lied to now. Karma has found its way to me and I paid it full without leaving myself in debt.

Knocking on my parents door, I woke mom up with tears still running down my face. I told mom that I have been used yet again and I did not want to sleep alone. I crawl into bed with my mom by my side, hugging me close, telling me to pray and concentrate on my studies. Only when Subuh comes that I felt sleep has finally granted me my wish. I was finally sleeping.

Labels: teardrops of silence

As it turns out, life will never be as we planned it. Just as what Nisaa just recently found out. Her plans backfired totally, slamming into her pretty face leaving a dark shade of red in her cheeks. Well, well, it looks like miss little Nisaa has just won the ultimate prize of all drama, ‘The World against I’.

Who would have ever thought that your own family would side the guy you bitched about instead of you? You must have been a very bad girl for having your family taking side with your ex-boyfriend. It looks like the one who laughed the least last night, has the last laugh.

Think again Nisaa – would you choose the truth (admitting your mistake, admitting another person’s mistake and sharing the blame) or would you go with the lies (which will definitely tangle you up in your own pretty little fucked up world in the end)?

Labels: beechy

Labels: beechy

Why do you want o cover up your lie when you know that I know the truth? Such hypocrites and stupidity still exist I see. What a shame, really. You used to look so pure and now you are worst than a tainted glass. You are he trash that I am disgusted at and the cockroaches that my boyfriend loves to kill.

Labels: beechy

THE FOUR LETTER WORD as written by MCR Boy.

Love is four letter words for blackmail. It always has been, and will always be so. In my entire life, I only felt it once. I go out with different girls occasionally and they tend to feel for me in a way that I want them to. Though, I never found happiness inside each girl that I date throughout the years. Somehow, I tend to easily get bored. Everything is so dull and boring. It’s always the same thing time and time again. I’m sick of playing the game. I long for the feeling that I never truly felt before. I’m longing for a girl that I could really love and give her everything that I have. I long for that so-called-true-love. Does it even exist?

After 4 years of playing the game, somehow I’m bored; bored with the game itself. It is no longer an enthusiasm for me. The adrenaline of trying to seize the girl is no longer there. The level of boredom has rise to another level. It justifies my opinion on the non existence of “true love”. I now really believe that it just merely exists in words and not by reality. That’s just me. I don’t need believe that anyone can change that perception of mine. That is until recently. I found a girl that manages to change my point of view on the word “love”. Even though she didn’t really change my whole perception, but at least I’m giving the thought a quick glance. Even if that glance is just a small change, I’m still grateful that came into my life. Moving at the speed of life, we’re bound to collide with each other.

I’ truly grateful that you came into my life, you bring me up whenever I’m down, pull me down whenever I’m flying to high in the sky and you care for me when I’m at my weakest. I think I may have found a reason to believe again. Is it just coincidence, that when I get to my lowest point; you're always there to ask what's wrong? And is it just ironic that whenever I need someone; you're waiting with open arms? Perhaps fate is yelling, knocking at the door. And if perhaps it is, then what are we waiting for. It might just mean something, that you never let me tell myself that my life is just a tragedy. It might just say something that you always get me out whenever I'm in misery. You're always there amidst my inconsistencies. Maybe this says something about my destiny. Perhaps it does.

I know it means something. Even when I put up my strongest shields, your love and care still finds a way through. And I'm sure it means something, that even through our differences you always seem to know how I feel too. Try as I might, your love finds a way through. Even when I try to push love away, I still find myself loving you. This won't be profound, and it won't last forever. But it's not about that, it's about right here and now. So I'll start writing and hope it ends up well somehow. I never had a way with words just quite like you do, so chances are it won't end up as great as one by you. But you asked for my writing, and though this isn't great, it's just a small example of loves defeat over ego. I’m writing from the road. This long and dusty path I tread, this never ending thought at head. And I’ll smile into the wind, finding life in this way I go. Just wanting you to know even though these lines lead to nothing, I love you.

xxx

Exaggerate and lie through your teeth, manipulate your brain that you are not what it may seem but certain people know better. You lose your dignity the day you beg. And that will stay with you forever. **oh, the flinches!**

xoxo

Labels: beechy

Somebody, names I won’t mentioned, but one of them call myself as one of his relative, made rumours about my cousin Johann and I. I mean for god-sake, we are cousins. Does anyone not consider the fact that family stand together when things are rough? For Johann’s love for Nisa sake, I will definitely set the record straight for both of them.

Dearest Nisa,

You have succeeded in making Joey a better person and a more pleasant cousin that used to be so cranky and grumpy. I saw the changes he did just for you and I love you for what you have done for him. He is not who he is today if not because of you. Every night, I would try to console him. He misses you with all his heart and he is hurting by his own mistake. He deeply regrets his past actions.

What you heard about us is definitely a lie. I would vouch for him that nothing happened between us. We are close and it did not go more than that. He did not lose anything ever since his birth. As much as I love him, it is only family love that I feel for him. No lovers love.

If you are still very much in doubt, I can tell you this much, when Joey and I were close before, I had my own ‘so-called-boyfriend’ and the initials are AHI.

Listen to him just like you listen to him the many months you are together. You are the first girl he loved after so long.

Take care, Liss.

I had plans for today which are:

Later tonight I will be bumming around Coffee Bean to enjoy my coffee and also my book - probably a couple of puffs while I am at it. **grin**

Labels: speechless

I just remembered the bitchy part of me that needs relieving. I mean, like hello, I’ve gone from sad to thoughtful. I am allowed to at least be a little bit bitchy now.

Sometime last week, not sure when, I received a few strange numbers calling me. Waiting for a couple of nights before returning the call I found out they are friends of my ex. Go figure what he may say to his friends about me knowing that our relationship was not exactly A Walk To Remember. With ‘I steal your number from his phone, shh, please don’t tell him’ reason, I finally understand that somebody has intentions to do me in. Talk about being nice eh?

Well, as it turns out, a sore loser will always be a sore loser in my eyes. One may brag about the other’s infidelity, but I leave it where it belongs, in the trash.

‘Shh’ is definitely in.

**yay**

I'm Awesome.

Labels: beechy

In this era, almost every girl has gone through heartache and they are searching for Mr. Right. With what can be seen now, girls have a very stereotype idea of a guy – they are only for sex, no heart involve. I know that guys are not all about dicks and pussies. Change our thinking and perception, save men’s dignity and save us, from all the future heartaches.

Labels: long journey of the brain

Each day I keep on telling myself, I need to stop doing this, I need to stop torturing myself with searching for him and waiting for him to just jump out of the bushes to say hello. After a long, relieving talk with the boyfriend, I decided it is really time to say goodbye. I packed up his stuff and all the things I made for him and put it in a bag – ready to be delivered to his house, not by me, but by my friend.

As much as it hurts, the truth – or the assumptions, will in the end be heard by me, he has been going out with another girl ever since forever and I am just the girl to fill up his time. I finally understand his quirks, disappearance and his restrictions. It hurts just as much as it does the day I left him to study in Melaka, the day I found out I am merely a toy, the day he said his goodbye before his disappearance and the day I read back all his words and realized it was just a front.

The long wait and the long patience has been overdue and finally paid in full. The aching will always be there and his memories will still be haunting me. It wasn’t my lost when he lets go, it was his. I am sorry it is over but I am relieved for my sake that I would not end up like any of my parents. For the third time in my life, I knew I was doing the right thing. Echoes of people’s voice will still be heard, but that is just that, echoes. I have a permanent voice in my head and a permanent voice in my heart that leads me to a better life, Ebroheam’s.

Labels: love, teardrops of silence

It has been quite a while since my last post. I was on my lazy vacations and most of the time; I am on a high dosage of drowsy medicine. I blame my coughing spell and the cough syrup for making me their victims. Darn you! **laughs** Well it is partly that and partly because I am also the master of the huge lazy bone in my body. Wee! I haven’t even read a single book since I came back and that is a total surprise seeing how I am born to be a bookworm. Talk about being really lazy~ **grins**

For starters, I am leaving Kuching in more or less two weeks. Lalalalalalala yeepie! The exact date and time of me no longer being on the land called Kuching would be on the 2^nd of July and at 1105 hour. Time has betrayed me yet again and made a fool out of me. All those lazing around on the bed in my fantasy land of dream does make the time fly by much faster. This is why I am doing it on a constant basis. It helps too that I always have an appointment with the doctor almost every couple of days which has change to once a week starting last week. And just for anyone’s information, I have packed half of the clothes and stuffs that I’ll be bringing there. **laughs** My organization habit has kicked in and I am proud with how much space there still is for me to fill in – and that is a lot. **smile**

I am currently feeling excited about leaving for Melaka. I a bored to my wits end here. All the time I have been here, I only hang out with two people most of the time, Aby and Khabir. As much as Khabir is my best friend it does get stale seeing that there’s not much we can talk about or do. A lot of my so-called-friends have the same reason for not meeting up with me, they wouldn’t want to be seen in public with me and they rather that our relationship is kept secret. I felt like a mistress by doing so. It is not that being a mistress is not good, but it’s boring and also I am tired of waiting for ‘the right time’.

The real reason why I became lazy probably is because I have my laptop back. **YAY** Lappie is in a great condition and seeing that I do not have to sit to handle it, I can lie down and change my position every now and then to deal with it. The screen cover is new and unscratched unlike the old one. Not only that, I just like the feeling of it being new. **smiles** The beauty of having a laptop is unbelievable. **sigh** I love my Lappie Top.

And, and, and, AND, I scored Dean’s List on my last examinations. To some people it might be nothing but to me, it is a huge deal. I haven’t seen so many A’s since my last day in high school! **grin** For the last couple of years I have been seeing a lot of F’s and this is an extremely good change. I am glad that I rebelled to be where I am to day. **smile**

I asked daddy for a car and for endless internet connection for me to use in Melaka **grins* and daddy agrees! **super duper yay** My dad’s cool and not only that mom is also the hippest among all. I love them both to tiny weeny bits and I wish them all the best things in life – which includes me and all my siblings. **grins**

The face reatment is going well too. I can see a little bit of difference but it is much better I think. at least I no longer look like a walking golf ball. **cheers**

Well, that’s purely updates about me so far. I will share a couple of my thoughts on certain matters once I get it out of my head. As per now, Gossip Girl is definitely my life on a series. I had a pleasant time flashing back to the days of being rumoured. I can’t wait for the next season! Not addicted but it is fun to see them bitching about each other, no?

Toodles people. I’ll see you in my next post.

Labels: long journey of the brain

Labels: just one of the boredom posts

Labels: just one of the boredom posts

As I walk down the roads of Kuching, I sense insecurities and I sense vulnerability in people I was with today. Some are trying to put on a brave face; some has learnt the secrets to a better life, while some hides away under masquerade of masks. Could anyone have saved them from those feelings, I would have doubt that they would admit their flaws after feeling contented and taken care of. It is usually how the girls and the boys are in Kuching. Not to say that they are bad, but we were taught since we were a little kid that girls should be dependant on the guys and not the opposite ways. Seeing that lesser people are brought up in a family where the woman holds control over the family or they were taught that truce on certain matters should be settle before hand, most of the people suffers from heartbreak, an incomplete love or from waiting.

Greediness, envy and jealousy has swamped the streets of Kuching, stealing its way into most of the people here making them a sad community in the eye of those who observe. Many would just say that they were brought up wrongly, they didn’t get proper education, they are too into the bad habits but if you really get to know them, they all did it by choice and most of them, started it because they lose hope on the people around them, they lose their dreams and most of all, they lose the love that they feel from the people around them. All they felt were loneliness and an empty hollow that needs to be filled.

If you think that this only happens here in Kuching, think again, it is one of the biggest problem that mankind have to face everyday but keep on delaying – telling themselves that time will take care of it. Look deep inside each and every one of us. We are just another reflection of them. Some of us are lucky enough to find the right answer to neutralize our monster. While some are not.

Labels: long journey of the brain

Labels: my list

Everything can change with just a little word said at the wrong time. A lot can be broken by just a little time lapse of forgetting to get it done. Disappointment rushes into our heart when a promise is left unnoticed. Be it a small one, be it big. Everyone wants everything to come into focus when words are supposed to be meant. And everyday, a person gets their heart broken for a moment of mistake.

No one can strive for perfection because being perfect is equal to being god and we humans are never a god. We could never decide who lives, or who shall die but we have been given the greatest give of all – a judgment of right and wrong to help us in choices of life. With this judgment and choices, we are who we are today.

Do we know what we want out of this life? We dream, we hope and we wish but are we going towards the direction of the dream or are we just feeling up the spaces and void of everyday until a miracle or a sign appear to make things be in our perspective? Love has always been the drive for me to be better and the best in everything that I do. Love haws been the words that I grew up to and love has been an experiment in my life. Without love, I would never know what I want out of this world.

When I was nine, I want to live with my grandmother. I did not want to hold the responsibility of bringing up my sisters. I wrote many letters to my mother on a drawing block telling her that I could not go through another day living the way that we led our life at that time. Mom would be angry and she would just ignore me. When I was 16, I wrote a list of what I wanted out of life – I wanted to make my family happy, be a good sister to my siblings, achieve all my dreams and die at the age of 25. when I was 17, I had a huge fight with my mother over having the rights to be who I want to be – I lose the battle as always because what matters to me is not my parents, but my siblings and because of that, I let go of the sight to want to be who I want to be. At the age of 18, I was asked the question, was I forced to be in the situation that I am in? My answer was I had no choice. I have nothing much to lose than and when age 20 strike, I realized, half of my life has flashed by me and I achieved nothing. Three months before I turned 22, I paid a motivational camp in full because I wanted to find my perspective in life, I wanted to find the dreams that I lost. That was the point of time that I believed that no matter what happens, I am going to be the person who is going to succeed in what I do. I may reach average in everyone’s dictionary, but in my own, I am perfectly awesome.

I used to be so disappointed in myself for losing sight of what I wanted even though it has been staring in my face all the time. I used to cry every night for the empty voids that I fill from destroying my promises, dreams and myself. I used to beat myself up for losing the love that I could have.

Through out the course of life, I have been granted the access to many dilemmas and choices. The choices that I made may not even be at the best interest for me. But at least for now, I know that I am doing the right thing with my life. I have a terrific boyfriend supporting me in everything that I do, a family that may be broken but nonetheless is never lack of love, and friends who have been keeping me at their best interest in heart just like they are in mine. Life may suck most of the times for me, but those small moments o greatness that I feel with those I love, made life a better place to be.

A rambling of the mind, the whisper of my heart.

Labels: long journey of the brain

After spending the whole 01^st June at home, waiting for my skin to peel nicely without leaving me feeling like a burnt, scaly monster; I spent the 02^nd June on family-ish outings and dinner. This week was spent on us going on present hunting for my grandmother which leads to a one-item-only shopping and few grumpy faces. Mom can be quite gloomy and grumpy when dad comes home. Usually there are some unsolved issues or she is hiding some frustration from all of the family which in the end will result in her getting angry over things that she is not supposed to which will then lead to one of the siblings to feel very angry over being the victim. Later that night we went to Laguna for extended family dinner celebrating grandma’s birthday. It was as how family dinner has always been. I am usually the master of everything – from babies to cakes and food – leaving me feeling rushed and always on the go for every single detail. The food sucks huge time. The fun part is that for the first time, there are no groups within our cousins. No sneaking of to different places because we didn’t want the other cousins to hear what we were saying – it was a change for once. Karti and I even had our own fun eyeing one of the nicest body waitresses that work there. Abang Mas and Syukri joined in our fun when she was taking the plates from our side of the table. It was a gorgeous view. **laughs** We had a group photo in front of the place we ate and it was fun. I can see that everyone is happy. I was too.

Throughout my marathon of watching a couple episodes of One Tree Hill it struck me, I will always have a lot to say and on my mind after watching it – things that I want to say will just swim in front of my eyes while the episode goes on. It is as if the series actually connected itself to me making all the perspective and the blurry lines clearer in my head. I felt as if the day is worth living again before this and now I feel like I can do whatever that I set my mind to.

Love sometimes can be a very fragile thing. We can lose the person that we really love and the person that we want to spend the rest of our life with over a single word mistaken interpreted or words said at the wrong time. **pause** I just watched my brother going up the stairs backward and going down backward. This family is crazy.

I have always thought that I would be living a forever life with Jah. Even throughout the thought of it trying to settle in my mind, there’s always something that nags me about spending my whole life with him. Out of the blue, I will always think of the flaws of marrying him – our marriage won’t be stable, he might turn out just like dad - a workaholic, secretive and probably have affairs that I might not be aware of, and the list goes on. His behaviour and his words confirm my fear and it lead to our relationship being over. The burden of worries and frustration finally goes together with a whole lot of past that I was still holding on to. My sisters were relieved too because they didn’t want me to lead a life that my mom does – emotional wise. Neither do I.

A simple word or a simple gesture might just mean nothing to us but would have meant a thousand words to another. With just a blink of an eye, your love may just fly out of your grasp and you have no one else to blame but yourself. Hold on to your love because it is your life. They are the one who completes you and they are the one who makes your life a better place to stay. Be honest, be appreciative and be considerate. Because when the love of your life is gone, you will never get it back – and in the end, you will lose a part of yourself and your life will be meaningless.

Labels: long journey of the brain

If you have been close to me, you would know that I am crazy when it comes to One Tree Hill. I have never told people why I love the series so much. It is true that most of the things in the show are focused on basketball and the stories of Lucas and Nathan but there’s more to the story than just that. The thing that makes me keep wanting for more is not the actresses or the actors, the storyline or what so ever not. I have learnt a lot from the series itself and the songs from the movie were my saviors during my depression days. Listen to the lines spoken in the movie, one who lives a live full of confusion and decision should learn a little bit from what is shared.

I remember there was one night after crashing myself at Coffee Bean after many unsuccessful assignment times; I drove around listening to the Friend with Benefits CD from the OTH. I drove all over Kuching feeling lonely and alone before I stopped by at my most favorite place in Kuching, the parking lot overlooking the state library and the lake. I just sat in my car and cried my eyes out for hours while letting the calmness of the place and the peace that it brings me washes over me. I lie down in my car and listen to the words of the songs, remembering lines that struck my heart in the series, and I will come home, tears still running down my face, tissue in my hand, and I will let sleep washes over me while my brain is figuring out a way for me to move on and start a new life. With these songs and this series, I have found strength into believing that life is not just about anything that I used to believe. I was a screwed up back then and I needed to find a way to make it right. It was then when I decided that I should get started working my way towards the future that I wanted for myself, and with the help of the songs, I am finally achieving them little by little, now.

At the age of 22, I have experienced endless encounters of tests and temptations. I would have said those things that I went through can last me a lifetime but Allah s.w.t. has always has something else in store for each and every one of us. I remember the very first lesson outside of classroom that I learnt, love is something precious and it has many different meanings. I learnt that without love, we are lost. And I learnt that love is the easiest thing to destroy – all it takes is just one small simple mistake. And because of that, I went on to many journeys of love – to learn it, to master it, and to find it.

Many a times I felt like I would love to settle down with some of the guys that I was with, but none came true because all the time I was wishing, I knew it was just a fantasy, a part of the game that I was in, and it has always left a bigger hole in my heart compared to the guy leaving me.

At the age of 16, I realized that what I wanted is nothing more than to be a mother, to be a housewife and to protect my own little family, just like I protected my siblings and my parents for all these years. Years have gone through since my last wish and there are times when I am scared that maybe, I was not meant to have my own family. Maybe it was my fate to always be alone. I guess I was wrong.

Finally, I found some one that I know I would not regret settling down with and everything that we have talked about and everything that we have planned and wanted to do is done straight from both our hearts. I thank god that I finally found you. Our talk tonight has brought an endless smile from me and I could not wait for each and every one of them to come true. I never did hold back when I am with you, not my words, my feelings or my opinions on the matters concerning both our lives.

I think, what I am trying to say is that, no matter how much I spend on you or what we may be in the future, remember the moment that we were lying side by side while we were listening to Mel and Abang’s conversation. I knew right then and there that you are the one that I could live my whole life with because you, my boyfriend, respects me and accepts me as the very person that I am, with or without the excess baggage.

To be honest with every one, it has been a tough month for me; I am referring to Month May. I have been battling with many demons ever since it started and I am glad that it has ended nicely instead of worst. All that I am saying is that, without you Hunny, I would have never made it this far. You don’t know just how many perspectives that you have put into my life. I love you Muffins.

I am fighting of the temptation to watch another episode of One Tree Hill but considering the throbbing pain I am constantly feeling at the moment, I know I should pass on that one. Till the next.

Labels: long journey of the brain

Supposedly Friday Night Post:

Will it always be this way, a one way route and never returned? I have never asked for much from any of you. I am always around to your rescue whenever you call my name. I will always try to make your day a better one. I wish it happens to me. I wish you would do it to me. But I can’t expect any of this from anyone here - no matter how, no matter what. And due to my frustration on this matter, I feel alone and disappointed. The only bright thing that lies ahead of my day is my chat with the boyfriend or going to my grandmother’s to play with Little Adam. They never fail to make me smile and laugh with their little quirks and words. **smile**

You called me to calm me down through my hurricane. You heard my tears, you heard me sob and you laughed at me for being sad. As evil as you are to laugh, I know it was never your intention to make fun of me. Thinking back now, it is quite a stupid matter that I blew up to. You understood and we figure out a way to settle it all. Truth to the words that you hold; we would not be able to solve it unless we meet up as the matter is to complicated to be solved just through our phone calls and our nightly chats. Until then, I will do as you advised; it will be tucked away into the black-hole of my brain.

You gave me a long list to think. It is quite a list that you asked – 20 names for future uses. We’ve thought so far in such a little time. Some may say that we are rushing into things, but I believe we are just doing what our instinct, heart and love make us do. Up until now, I still could not get my mind into finding the names but I know I have only 30 days to present you with the names. 30 days to flying day. And finally, 30 days to finally be all wrap up in your hugs and kisses. Just 30 days. **yay**

Suddenly the words, ‘life is not what it is all cracked up to be’ popped into my head. I wonder why? **hmmm**

Labels: love, teardrops of silence