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I want to know, have you ever been in my position in any part of your life? Whatever your answer is, I would really appreciate that you hold your judgment before you lash it out in this blog because words have the biggest impact on human's mind and the worst part of it is that those words may just be your own sign of hypocrisy.
I am not saying that you are a hypocrite but needless to say, I know I am one. Do you understand the position that I am in before you even start to think of those things that you think of me? Yes, I am understanding enough because I know the position he is in and the position that I am in. Considering the circumstances and the fact that I know him well enough to know what he needs and what he wants, do you think I should need him at this moment - giving the fact he is in a compromising situation where if he is selfish in any part he choose, he would just end up living in regret?
I am independent in most ways and I agree that when I do crave for attention, I do not go to him for the most obvious reasons anyone close to him know and can see. When he says he needs me to need him, that is just fear and confusion talking. Independence may lead to realizing the fact that I could go on with my life without him and I may just do not give a fuck if he would be fine or not after I leave. He forgot one thing, I am not one without a heart. I know he needs me by his side, and as long as I am by his side, things will be okay for both of us.
I know that what I need, want and wish may just take a whole lot of time before I would get it. Like I said, I am sacrificing the need for materials and the need to be the 'girl' in the relationship because at this moment to be the 'guy'. I can't give in yet to my cries because if I do, the conflict would be even too much for Eb to handle.
Please, I have a lot to deal with at this moment without your pressure of standing up to your friend. If you do want us to stay together for a longer time, I suggest that you may want to listen to both side of the stories before hand. It is frustrating to know that I am being judge by you, because what you see is not what you heard.
I thank you for your care and worries but I have enough to last me a lifetime at this moment.
Labels: ANGER, teardrops of silence
I think I have a serious case of inner conflict. I can’t seem to do what my heart wants. For example, I know I have a serious case of ADD, Attention Demanding Disorder, but when I receive it, I feel guilty and conscious of it. Sometimes I even wonder the sincerity in it. I would actually bath in all the attention given and to a certain point, I would feel as if I do not deserve it and would start detaching myself emotionally from all those that I have poured my heart out too. I guess I am scared of getting my heart broken again.
I feel like crying now. I wish I can demand for attention but I can’t make myself to ask for it. I always end up feeling like I need to keep my walls up and my heart would ache so much and in the morning I will be as numb as any other day.
Smiles plastered all over my face, but in truth the pain in my heart, many would never know. Another confession that would not be able to leave my mouth, because I care too much for others not to worry about me.
Listen to this song, Pussycat Dolls – I Hate This Part.
It is a song that sings my heart to Nazrin, Zeb and I think also Eb. It shows how we are or were or will be.
Pussycat Dolls Lyrics
I Hate This Part Lyrics
Labels: teardrops of silence
When I put myself on hiatus, I realized that I am sacrificing myself big time. I’ve rarely been a person controlled by selfishness, a trait most would find extremely refreshing at times, but to me, it may just be the starting point of my depression.
Eb needs me, careless of what I need. I’ve made a promise once, I won’t leave him alone at the times he needs me and this is one of the many times. I am just going to tough everything out and find the light out of this, and I hope it is sooner.
Steffie and Ika, always being lavished with attentions, and are always firm with demanding their fair share of treatment sometimes makes me jealous. When I remember their own good-fortune of having Ali and Fairuz, I would feel the green monster emerge in me followed by this dwellings of what if and I wish. Now, I have a constant reminder near me, Sya, my own roommate who has Kuzae, a perfect guy in any angle. I sometimes wonder how it would be like to have guys like Ali, Fairuz and Kuzae. Will I be happy?
Maybe Yana and Ana are right about their whole speculation on rich guys will find girls with that has the same financial status as theirs and would never go for fat, ugly or scarred-face girls. Such depressing thoughts but I am now wondering if they are right. **sigh**
As for Lost & llllllllllllll, I did not say no for a lot of unsaid reasons. Eb would read this blog any I do not want anyone to plant ideas in his head on why I am reluctant to say yes. I know I sound that I am, in truth, I know where I stand and my responsibilities. I just hope one day you will understand so.
I know I am frustrated over the little things that I can’t get. Like people said I always quote, I should be happy to find a guy who has a good heart and would never hurt me. I do not need all the materials in the world to make me happy. **planting those thoughts in my head** **the tree’s dead**
Seriously, I do not know how I am ever going to achieve all my wishes and wants apart fro getting it by my own. This year, I’ll get myself enough luxuries to satisfy myself till next year, hopefully.
I am surrendering myself from all the dramas I involve myself in – including those who has been showering me with attentions. As much as I love the attention Nazrin unconditionally give me, it is a bit selfish of me. I need to concentrate on not getting my heart hurt and I should try to find those who would booze my self-esteem up, not make it worst, right?
I wish for some wishes now and it starts with, I wish that I have a stronger will to live through this life, at the moment, which I ask for.
Labels: teardrops of silence
people would be the one hurting me, making me make a decision against my own wants, need and wishes, upsetting me with their words and their rudeness ..
... but in the end, i am the one who has to say sorry and give in. will there ever be a fair trial in my life?
Labels: teardrops of silence
we are back together again **smiles**
i guess that means my whole being is on hiatus again - my need, my wants and my wishes would have to be postponed. i suck.
Labels: Ebroheam the Mokmok
I am actually having a small headache right now – probably due to the fact that I had very little sleep last night. I had a Public Speaking Final Test this morning and it was surprisingly easy. I was just so caught up in finishing it off that I finished the test within 30 minutes and I left the hall without checking the pages – a little tad worried here but I am just going to push it away. I’ve passed up the paper and nothing can be undone now.
Last night I lavished in the attention given by my one and only attention giver. He called at about 430am and we had a very nice chat all the way. Things are clearer now between both of us and it is fun to be the person being lavished with attention. It made me smile the whole time for now and I definitely love it – no wonder so many girls demanded for attention and I thought they were just being dramatic. **laughs**
I am now in the mode of final exam. It is needless to say a relief that the semester is almost over. I can’t wait to go on a holiday and get myself all the shopping that I need! New wardrobes and everything new would be my aim for next vacation, hopefully. **smiles**
There is a chance that I would be going to Bali and
I received my Dean’s List Award yesterday. I have the certificate and also a book – Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen. It was fun to dress up and get pretty over little things. I rarely got the time to spruce u here and I wish I have more make ups to make my day.
I miss Eb though. I keep on wondering how he is but I couldn’t get myself to message him. I know he is thinking of me too and he seems extremely grumpy for the past one week that I think if there’s one annoyance, he would explode and I just hope he’ll get out of it alive.
I would be off to bed now. Good Afternoon everyone.
Labels: just one of the boredom posts
I think I would have to get use to the feeling of loneliness. Yes, I am quite tempted to indulge to the short moments of flings and even a temporary love – a day or so. But I am trying my hardest to hold it all back.
I miss Zeb and our talks. I know at times we do not talk much, apart from the only thing we talk about, I still do miss him.
I miss Nazrin and the attention he gives me. He is just so giving in showering me with all the attentions I ask for.
I miss my siblings and their craziness. I wish I can jump on the next flight, be with them for a few hours – going off to McD and Bings! before going back home, going our separate ways to our bedrooms.
I miss Nadia and the moments we shared and all the little talks we make while eating our hearts out.
I miss a lot of them that I begin to think if I ever going to find someone near to fill in this void in my heart because I will still feel like no one is good enough to replace them.
I wish I am stronger tonight.
Labels: long journey of the brain
Who am I?
I am Listiari - a torn and obedient daughter, a crazy but responsible sister, a versatile friend, a respected assistant class representative, a fierce group mate and, a quiet and hated roommate. I am almost perfect, physically wise and I always try to overcome my own mentality. I always put up a strong front – a person that people could rely on any matters, a person that they come to for comfort, a person that will make sure that they will be at the top of their performances. At times, I have my moments of darkness where I would lash out my anger and tension through bad habits that makes people wonder but to those who know me well did not question such behaviour. I do think people are afraid of me and I bath in the attention of being in power. At the same time, I love to be a person after by many guys. Apart from the sense of power, it gives me the sense of wanted by others, a problem that I always trying to fight – paranoia to be exact. I love to be in charge of things but at the same time, when all of it is over, I like to turn off the in-charge attitude and I will be the quiet, sullen me that will beg for attentions.
What do I want?
At this moment, I want a companion - someone that will see me as desirable, someone that will hold me close to him and tell me that I am the best person that he can ever have, someone who can successfully booze up my esteem. I just want to lean and put my head on his shoulder filling his lips kissing my forehead as I bath in his only attention. I want to have a friend / lover that will listen to my crap all night long and laugh with me on all the things that I think is funny and frown with me over the matter that I think should be frowned at. I want him to be as independent as me and I want him to see me as his best mate and also his only lover. I want a guy that would satisfy all my cravings and longings and at the same time, save my holey heart.
I want a guy who is rich enough to make most of my wishes come true. I want a rich guy that can shower me with gifts and surprises that will make me speechless – a decent dinner at a decent restaurant with flowers and dresses and shoes to match them, a treat to a spa or a treat to a holiday vacation. No, I do not want to be a gold-digger. I just want to be cherished mentally, emotionally, physically and material wise. I have yet to find a guy who could seriously satisfy ALL of that at once.
I want a car. A car that can bring me around, a car that I could drive without any sense of direction while blasting music of my heart, a car that I can call mine. I am not aiming for my very much of a favourite car, X5. I was hoping for a mini something – a small car that can fit my self-esteem at the moment. Make it a MyVi or a cute Swift or even a Mini One.
I want to be desired by people. I also want a guy to really desire me and I want him to love me at the same time. I want to love that guy just as much as he loves me and I want a mutual understanding of self that we could go on any level of conflicts but we would come out of it, unscratched and smiling.
What do I wish?
I wish for all my wants to come true.
I also wish for a guy that I can never get – a guy I just realized I have a little infatuation for.
I wish for a wisdom that could get me to
I wish for strength and grace to live this life and leave imprints of myself on the people I am with.
I wish to be remembered as Listiari the person who has never given up on any of us.
I wish to be with my mum and my siblings.
I wish that one day, finally, everything would be okay and as I say that, I do not feel like a hypocrite.
Finally, it is all out for all to see. This is me, being selfish.
Labels: teardrops of silence
It has been days since the break up. I have been trying to put up a strong front every single day but at times, the tension of holding myself together shows. I would go through the days laughing and joking just as every body does but I will constantly have the heartache and the dull thudding in my head reminding me that things are no longer the same.
I know that things are no longer the same now – not in my relationship, not in myself. Just as my relationship is on hiatus, myself is no longer the person I used to know back then. Gloomy I may be, strong some may describe but I can feel that I am much more composed than I was a year back. I know that I am a better person now – a better person in dealing with all the life dramas that I have to face.
Sometimes tears do roll when I miss him. Watching happy people together, feeling the love that just bloomed while I am stuck in a fast forward phase where I have to deal with things only people in a year relationship deals with.
Since the break up, my days have been filled with every single work I can find, up until today. I let myself be filled with a visible stress and workload to not let people bother me with asking silly questions on the matter of my life. Up until today, those who are close to me were quite oblivious to my situation – just as I hope they would be.
Ever since Monday, I revealed the fact to those I know would be worried about me deeply if they know the situation, and as I expected, being the only mother hen before, I am now the little chick – the person being mothered by all.
I spent the weekend in Damansara, my dad’s new apartment that belongs to him and his second wife – the Cruella Devil, her nickname given by us. The house is undeniably nice and seeing the whole place, I know that it is terribly expensive. It was Sastro’s birthday so I did everyone a favor and just stayed with him through out the day – because the whole she bangs were also merged with their Hari Raya Open House. Dad proudly introduce both of us as his eldest and youngest children – not that it does not sound good, it does, just that it was weird to be in the position because as much as I want to get to know them and be with my dad again, I am loyal to my mom. I can see the gladness in dad’s face when I was there and I am glad that I helped him get through those stressful days just as his presence calmed me down after the break up.
I did good considering the fact that I studies very little for my PBSM Final Test. I was able to answer all of the questions without hesitations. Right after the test, Dad sent his Cab Driver to pick me up from Melaka for the weekend and he is also the person sending me back from Damansara to Melaka with a little detour to LCCT to send my dad and the other 11 passengers (I, myself, do not know how he was able to pay for all the flight tickets). Dad’s last hug before he went back made me wanted to cry because I know that I won’t have my family near me anymore after that day and I have to buck up and be strong to face those days of longing for family’s love.
I am sure some people may complain on the long post but this is how I keep in touch with every one of you – near and far, now. It is hard for me to spill my guts without crying and I know my tears would be the despair of others because if I do breakdown, I know people will feel that everything bad is possible to happen to them because I, myself, am not strong to face those things.
I still do not know how I am going to deal with the pain, the heartache, and the longings. I even think of getting back on the old wagon of ‘easiness’. Find a guy just for the comfort of a day and then let them leave because I feel just too damn useless to be anyone’s. I know it sounds so lack of self-esteem, I do feel that way at times, but I always try to keep it to the minimum. I do not want to look back one day, cry my hearts out for something that should not have been.
I think I would go for the kind of guys that loves to be used by a girl – me, in specific. He is there to satisfy my material needs and not my heart. If only I am as heartless as I want myself to be.
I hate it when people ask me if I am okay. Why? I am definitely human thus, I don’t know.
Labels: teardrops of silence
we really did broke up. he left. he wants me to hate him. he wants me to be angry with him. but all i feel is a deeper sense of love for him. we broke up. and i have an exam tomorrow. i have yet to study. fuck.
Labels: Ebroheam the Mokmok, teardrops of silence
WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME?
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TRY TO CONVINCE ME THAT ONE DAY, VERY SOON, YOU'LL SEE ME?!
I JUST NEED A FRIEND! YOU DON'T EVEN ASK IF THINGS ARE OKAY WITH ME HERE!
YOU JUST STOP!
I FUCKING NEED YOU, YOU STUPID 1985 BORNED BOY.
WHY DO I NEED TO DO ALL THE SAVING MYSELF!!!
THIS IS JUST SO FUCKED UP.
BEING NICE AND UNDERSTANDING ONLY LEADS TO MORE PAIN!
Labels: ANGER
The last lecture book says when you stop criticizing someone; it means that you no longer care about them and you have given up on them. How true are those words? I realized just now that unlike before, I am scared of Eb referring me as his future wife. I realized that I am too scared to even take up on the challenge of being his girlfriend. I guess all the hurt did finally take a toll on me. I am stumped on how I am going to fix myself.
Far More - The Honorary Title
Is this the sound of our demise
Or just the opposite?
I love you and I miss you
What else is there to say?
It takes a hell of a lot more to complete this
Far more, far more to recreate
Far more, far more, far more, far more
Far more, far more than we can take
When you decide how much time
Do you let, do you let, do you let, do you let
Pass before
These false starts, these small meals
They're for my, for my starving hands
Just treading, just treading shallow waters
Avoiding the drop, the drop in the ocean floor
Far more, far more, far more, far more
Far more, far more than we possess
How much, how much, how much
How much longer, girl
How much longer do we need to wait?
For a moment when the blare of the tv subsides
And then song fills the air, playing every night
A change in the key feels like a change in the season
I pretend almost every, every other night
That this body and its entirety belongs to me, every breath
It comes and goes
It comes and goes
All night
Well, you can't dictate the way, the way I'm gonna feel
No matter what, no matter what I'm forced to see
I'll be the one free of jealousy
Well, you can't dictate the way, the way I'm gonna feel
No matter what, no matter what I'm forced to see
I'll be the one free of jealousy
Far more, far more, far more, far more
Far more, far more than we can take
So well, so well, so well rehearsed
I coordinate this kind of mess
I'll do it like, do it like, do it like
Do it like, do it like, do it like
Do it like, do it like, do it like we used to
Like we used to do
I love you and I miss you
What else is there to say?
Labels: Ebroheam the Mokmok
The days should be better by now. We've called our truce and we are trying to mend the broken pieces but it seems to feel even emptier. Ever since things are better, I have been feeling so out of place. I realized that my silence is a bit ore often, my tempers are shorter and I get the feeling of being a burden to others.
I knew why I never wanted to make things better between us before. I just don't want to feel neglected. As long as I think I am mad at him and that things between us are not okay, I would have the power to ignore all messages and calls. I will have the power to indulge in self-anger and self-pity. Now, when things are okay, and I feel so alone, things just get lonelier.
Tuesday class was great. My speech to persuade, really did work. I persuaded some people to change and at the same time I did not refer much to my outline. I just talked and it flows right out of my mouth. My voice was strong and I made my point clear that – You Are What You Think You Are. We’ve arranged for a class dinner at Bistro for Mr. Fazlul’s class. It will be held on Tuesday and we’ve invited Miss Hanem, Miss Farrah and Mr. Rauf to join us but only Miss Farrah is free to join.
Azzat and Fya fought too earlier this week but I forced them to make things better because until they do, I have to handle three emotional problems including mine and Jack’s. It’s nice to see others are able to be together, to hug each other close while I sit here, thinking a thousand times to message my own boyfriend just in case the reply may hurt me.
We made plans to meet up but I knew that the plans will never be fulfilled. Somewhere deep inside me knew that cancellation is at a moment’s notice and it did. He cancelled everything off and I have been putting up a strong front to be okay but inside I have been crumbling. I have been thinking about letting him go until his mom is better, just so as I would not feel unnecessary negligence and unnecessary blow ups from me, adding to his already full hand.
I am attending dad’s open house this weekend and saying over at his new place near The Curve. I am glad to finally be around my family but at the same time, I am not looking forward to staying with my step-families. I felt as if I am betraying my mom and it adds to an already turmoil emotions in me.
I am alone in my room. Kak Dayang left for home, and so are my roommates, Fya and Azzat. Since Eb cancelled out on us, I am left to waiting for the cab to arrive tomorrow to pick me up and send me to my dad. Hopefully, it will be worthwhile.
PBSM Final Exam is tomorrow and that signals that my finals are as near as two weeks away. Fuck.
Labels: teardrops of silence
I am having two straight bad days. The headache is getting a bit too much while my cramps are often. My body aches and I just feel so stressed. Nothing seems to go right, until now.
Yesterday, I had to wake up early, swallowed a couple of painkillers on empty stomach and finally had to stop doing my assignment because my head was spinning like mad. I managed to get my group assignment done by that day, but did not get to present due to the fact we did not have any presentation slides ready. I had to rush back to my room, which means going up the ‘infamous batu caves staircase’ and straight to class right after with my laptop on the other shoulder. It was not only tiring; I can feel that I was extremely tired. Back from the class, I went straight to bed and only woke up few hours before dinner.
Midnight made me realized that the day has gone by so slowly. I thought that it was already Thursday only to fine that it is only Monday. I stayed up till 5 a.m..
I always looked at my phone. Hoping that it will ring to show someone really misses me, instead of just saying that he does. I miss him so much but when I want to express it out, I felt like it just can’t be said. I love him, no doubt about it. I feel it deep in my heart when I see couples around me, and I stare at my phone just hoping for a ring.
I hurt my toe yesterday and it bled. Sucks!
I hurt my knee today, both my knees and my right hand. I fell, it was a blackout due to the heat and I found myself sprawled on the ground to seconds later. *shit* It happens again.
I had to change my clothes three times and that is already too much in my own diary.
My leg hurts, my head hurts, and my heart is numb. I have wanted to message him but I can’t bring myself to. I just want it to be over, it to end. I want to stop being cold to him. I don’t like it. I just hope and wish I know if he will ever repeat the same idiotic mistake again. I want to know. I miss him.
My head hurts. I’m off to bed now. Early day tomorrow.
Labels: teardrops of silence
can i just leave and never come back to this place that hurts me so much?
i am tired and i am angry.
i am full of hurt and i lose myself.
i just want to drown away the sorrows.
my love life is on hiatus ...
Labels: speechless
I lost you at the point where you thank me for opening up your eyes.
I hold Pikachu in my arms and remembered what I told you less than a month ago: Pikachu is just the right size of your tummy. I hugged it even closer to my body.
I want to message you and tell you that I am missing you but my hands won’t do it. I just can’t do it. Not after today. Not when I realize that you lose hope of us. It surprises me; you are the one who leaves first.
I had flashbacks of memory and I drowned it with the painkillers. Maybe the medicine can also numb my heart.
Numb my heart so that I can sleep at night without crying. I can go through the day without faking a smile. I can walk down the streets in little hops because I am no longer stressed.
Instead, days drag by as I drag my feet through the long walk. The clouds start to cover the sky just as the smile starts to falter from my face. I drowned myself in a sorrowful sleep only to drift in dreams I wish I never wake up from.
After Jah, comes this. Help me survive the mess. I don’t know how long I can be strong.
Labels: teardrops of silence
yes, silence is my friend. it has always been and it will always be. words form in my head but when i want to voice it out, it vanishes. it only tells my lunatic asylum what it thinks and feel.
love is there. but lodged deep within my head is also despair. the feeling of losing a person grips my heart with a deathly force. can you blame me for being silent? yes, and no.
Labels: teardrops of silence
I have been taking high dosage of Ponstan today. If there is anyone that does not know what is Ponstan, it is a painkiller. I've been having trouble eating due to some sensitivity problem teeth wise and also a constant headache from all the things that is in my head. Thus the high dosage. Now I am having a headache. Been taking Painkillers two days straight after a long week of .. it's not pain but it's that very tinggling feeling that makes u feel like the time nails scratches the blackboard. Yes, it is annoying to have sensitive teeh.
I should be trying to get my work done, instead I am happily being free.
Fya's staying over in my room today, at least I won't be alone with Farihan.
I miss home. Mom said Nazira cut off her hair.
Sleepy much, toodles.
Labels: just one of the boredom posts
Little updates of the past few weeks that I have neglected blogging:
- My lappie-top crashed and burn due to its motherboard that was broken in some sort of way that I have yet to understand. Computer parts suck huge time in my head.
- My baby lappie-top is back. I did not pay anything for it. I should have used 200bucks to update my warranty; instead I used it to survive my life here in Melaka. **sigh** need to update the warranty just in case.
- I received my lappie-top on Thursday.
- I left for home (Kuching) on Saturday – 27th September, 2008. I arrived safely in Kuching around 11am.
- Mom is now using tudung. She looks super duper cute and young when she uses it. All of us encourage her to use it, even though each and every one of us has the behaviour of little devils. **laughs**
- Since I came back, mom made the point to bake cookies as I am the rarest to complain about being tired when we bake. We baked 3 biscuits in one day – starting with Honey Cornflakes and Sempret before we break fast and Pineapple Cheese Tart about midnight.
- The next day, after making the biscuits, we went shopping. I spent about RM600 and I am a happy girl. I bought two button-up shirts, a pair of jeans and I bought 2 wedges from Charles & Keith. I looked pretty awesome in my new wedges.
- On the last day of puasa, I baked one cake while my sister bakes another. We both baked Chocolate Cheese Layer Cake and trust me, the tiring course of cleaning up the house took a toll on me and I was grumpy while I baked the cake. I was satisfied with the result though. My cake looks perfect and taste perfect. Lidia’s cake was too squishy and it melts all the time that it is outside. We end up not putting the cake for others to eat.
- Raya started off with going to Masjid Jamek Kuching to pray. Dad picked us up on time – which surprises me a lot. Only Nadiya and Adi followed my parents and I. Ever since a long time, we have been going to the mosque as a routine on the first day of Raya. For the girls, we used our Cotton Baju Kurung, Adi uses purple and Mom uses Jubah. Dad and his other family were using yellow.
- Safiyan has a better attitude now. I love looking at his face, he is handsome. Sastro looks like he is a different species from both his sister and brother. He just takes all out breathe away.
- Each of the family, except Uncle Ah Seng’s, Bibik Som’s, Dad’s second family, and Tanter Tini’s, camwhored at grandma’s house. We took a lot of pictures. We went crazy in front of the guests. Everyone commented on the big family.
- We went to Dad’s house in Gita soon after. Aunty Dewi cried when she saw us. Everyone loves Aunty Dewi’s Mom soup. We played with the kids and chatted with all for awhile before leaving. I was so damn sleepy by then. Mom and Lidia cleaned the house while I take a nap. Nadiya, Nazira and Adi joined me in dozing off.
- Second day of Hari Raya is our open house. It was really busy and tiring. Luckily the caterer provides people to clear up any mess and washing the dishes. All I have to do is run around to make sure that everyone is satisfied and happy. We had to make another round of Laksa Sarawak since it is the only thing that finishes fast on that day. I had to leave to get the laksa.
- By 10pm, I was feeling really tired and sticky. The caterer’s helpers left at 6 and I have to do double duty from the morning session. I left the crowd, took a shower, rested my feet and fell asleep immediately as my head hit the pillow. I was finally getting a good rest.
- After the second day, I stayed at home when the others go out visiting. I have to quarantine myself from Raya-ing because I have tons of assignments to get done.
- Since there is no available, affordable ticket on Sunday, mom booked my ticket for Monday.
- Most classes have been canceled and most of my due dates were postponed one week – not because I asked for it, the lecturers decides so.
- I have 6 baju raya this year, more than normal. :)
- Aunty Dewi and Dad are making an Open House in KL. I was invited. I think I should go. But I should not sleep at her place as she suggested.
That is basically the updates I could think of. Till then, toodles.
Labels: long journey of the brain
Why are things so hard at times? How can you act out your feelings without hurting anyone that you care about? I am stuck in my own emotional rollercoaster and I just wish the ride would stop.
I keep on pretending that things are fine when in truth, I am a wreck inside. At times I am just plainly tired and I badly need someone to hug me and tell me that things would be fine really and all I need is rest but for all those time, I would be the one hugging myself close and letting my tears be my own consolation.
People say I keep things inside, all the anger, all the pain, I never let it out. I did it for a reason. I don’t want anyone to be hurt by my harsh comments. I learnt from all my experience that harsh comments do not go well with any situation – especially it is about another person’s opinion on the other.
I want to tell them that what they do hurt me, what they did makes me feel angry and annoyed, I want to tell them that they really are pushing the limit, but I never do. I always keep it in my head knowing that I should accept everyone as they are and try not to change them because everyone is afraid of changes. I respect them enough to do so. But always, people say that they do not mind to hear the things that I feel, they say they and handle it. But always, they get angry and annoyed and I end up saying sorry to them.
I am hurt at the moment. I put on a smiling face, a front for everyone. For every time they think that I am crying or upset, I would use the toothache reason. Not that the toothache does not exist, it does, but I rather not have people swarming over me asking me over and over again about how I am.
I keep on feeling that for all the time I felt hurt, I should be the one saying sorry instead because I always feel that the table is turned towards me instead. Somehow or another, people would make me feel guilty for feeling hurt in the first place. Why can’t I feel hurt when I have emotions myself? They always say that they do not mean to hurt us, but those words would not take away the hurt. Those words are to replace the hurt with guilt. As if saying, you should not feel hurt at all – if you do, then you are stupid and you are wrong!
I love you, yes I do. For all the time that I have been with you, I am trying my best to always accept you as the person you are. I try to not complain when I feel hurt or angry. I believe you are just trying to figure out life just as I am. But I am hurt. It hurts so much. I have to put on a front for you because you tell people that you are not sure if I love you anymore. You tell them that you are not sure whether we are in a relationship or not. I have been loyal to you for the past five months! I never ever did leave you! How could you say things like that? We drifted in and out of problems. You know how I am and you knew why I never tell you that I love you when I am angry. How could you say that? It hurts. It really hurts. But I have to pretend for you.
It scares me that I may lose you any day. Even from the beginning I was scared that you would leave me. And you have the heart to ask me whether we are still together or not. And by the end of the night, just because you did not mean to hurt me and you asked me to confirm the happy things you were going through that night, you are angry at me for feeling down when you asked me that.
My mom was right. Too much laughter and by the end of the night, you’ll sleep in your own pool of tears.
Labels: teardrops of silence
