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the alien  Liss S. (: 23. && Watt's.((: Loves Ice Cream && Chocolates. o.o I am currently in need of new shorts! 0.o" Loves Shopping. Heart Books :)) Still in Learning Processes. Enjoying the ups & downs of my life. C: |
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Everyone wants to pursuit their own happiness. A happiness that they find so compelling and complete that they would have thrown everything aside just for the point of happiness – may it be for a little while or for a long time.
Look back to the point where you first fell in love at first sight, or just plain fell in love. The bubbly feeling that wells up in you brings you many unexplainable emotions that you feel giddy and jumpy. Everything just seems so beautiful and so extravagant that nothing would have burst the bubble of happiness that you felt. Do you think that one day those feelings would return? What would you do if one day you are faced to choose between two destinies that would bring different happiness in your life?
People may choose to not pay attention to their hearts nowadays. To most, love has die in between the years and many search for the right person who would fulfill one’s fantasy of forever love. Love is just overrated in many cases and everyone would settle for a companion that may be fooled to be the person that one’s heart desire or the heart would finally learn to love the person chose.
I know from experience that there are more than a thousand kind of love exist in this world. I just hope one day we would find that love we search for in the midst of the web of confusions built by fictions and lies of the mouth. The heart holds the key to the real emotion and the eyes bare no secrets to others. Life would not be incomplete without love – nor will it be complete when love arrives, but it makes life as complete as it can be.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
Heartbreak is always one thing that all of us are scared of and the way we handle it differ for each and everyone – some may lay off from being in a relationship until they are sure it is the right one, some may dive to the shallow end of the sea and adapt an ‘open relationship’ or ‘one-is-not-enough-relationship’ and some may just swim with the sharks and love till one day it will never cause heartbreak.
I am probably one of those that still am not scared of falling in love – much. I would just jump on the bull-seat again and try to keep up with the rockiness till I fall. There is a little paranoia after the two times too many love incidents this year but I still always try to see the good in every guy I encounter knowing that they may just hold the little wishes I hoped for. Some may find it suicidal; some may see it as stupidity never finishes and some may think it is a brave thing to do. Some may start thinking that I am a slut, a whore or whatever that may cross their mind because I don’t mourn those that I left or who left me. I do not see the point. Those who break your heart and leave without a glance back, he or she is not worth your love or mourning.
No one says the journey to find love is as easy as ABC. If it does than everyone would have found their better half by now. I don’t deny the fact that for each day, there will be a slap of reality when things you least expected catch you by surprise – like knowing the guy that you were starting to fall in love with, find somebody that they like better or the girl that you want is just too clueless in your mission or when the girl that you have confessed to made a dead set decision that it will never work. I had my share today and it sucks the happiness out of me. For a moment, I want to get angry and I want to yell why, but come to think again, I have no rights to do so. I am just a girl in another guy’s life – maybe special, but none too serious.
People hope for the best things in their life always, including love. I am as normal as you in this part of life. I hope for the best out of everyone’s love too – for me and or everyone. No matter how much my heart is on the line – loving someone – if he chooses to not be with me, I still hope for the best for him, hoping that girl would love him and learn about him just the way that I do. It’s suicidal to always take the back seat but if it would give everyone a chance of happiness, why not. I know I’ll find mine one day. But this is for me. For others that may just have a much fragile heart compare to mine, fight for that love you want. It is never too late. Leave your ego behind and for once, follow your heart and not your head. When things just don’t work out like you want it to, breath and smile, it is not the end of the world and this is another step-stone to find a better person who would be the one for you.
As much as I want to love the person my heart loves at this moment, sometimes I need to consider the reality of our situation and leave our moments in a fantasy that we share everyday – the cove I run to, and I will find him there, waiting with an open arm and a smile. When we part ways, it is again, a memory I cherish – another
memory that put a smile on my face, a memory that will bring me heartaches.
Be strong, heads up. Love is worth fighting for – no matter what. Never give up to the very last drop of your blood.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off.., long journey of the brain
This goes out to you,
If you know that love is in your heart, but there is no way to express it, don’t just express it out of the blue or at a bad timing and then walk away. An acceptance may be granted and maybe a rejection. Rejections are not all that bad. Some are good and some are not **like duh**. Listen first and then walk away – with your dignity still intact. Hold on to those words last said. If things work well, don’t ruin it. If not, be friends. Who knows love can be developed meanwhile, and in the end, the feelings would be mutual. Don’t go low and don’t be low – in every way. That is just **pause** low.
If you don’t love the other person who loves you, don’t give hope, don’t make assumptions, respond like a friend – care and worry, unless you have another agenda in your mind – and only and only if the other person should deserve it. Every human needs love, care, affection and attention. It is just one of those moments that they feel neglected, just like one of those days when you walk with your usual crowd of friends but you feel the hollowness of your heart instead of the joyfulness of your friend’s companies. No one wants to be lead on. Treat the other person well and oh, make it clear.
If you think that it is fun to play with another person’s heart, let’s do it to you instead. We’ll get you some girl/guy whom you love so deeply and we’ll shred every dignity that you have and we leave you as soul-less as how it would feel when you play with another person’s heart. That would be fun. Don’t do it. Karma’s a bitch when it heads towards payback. A heart broken once can be sewn back together. When it has broken too many times, it would just be broken and the pieces won’t fit anymore.
If you are torn between the many things in your life, and each and everyone of it is priority, learn to multi-task. Learn to juggle everything- keeping it afloat without ruining the other. Once one of the balls rolls away, the other would follow suit just soon after. Keep your life on track. It may be tiring emotionally but the result of doing so would do you good in the future and also it would give you the satisfaction of knowing you did well to make others happy.
**Frustration holed up in me and today it is just out. I guess as much as this is for others, it is also for me.
Labels: ANGER, teardrops of silence
Randomly, while on the way back from Dazrin’s house, it struck me. We are all selfish. Why shouldn’t we be selfish? When we don’t get what we are supposed to get, we throw a tantrum. We go mad, we scream and we stomp our feet. We would say so many bad things about others for taking what was ‘supposedly’ yours and in the end; we found something new that is ‘supposedly’ ours. Let’s be selfish, shall we.
Selfishness is closely related to being greedy and hypocrite. For something that we want, we would go to any extend to get those things that we crave for, careless of the many thousand pieces of consequences and also the principles that we broke – just for that. Silently we hope no one notice, but most of the others, notice. We are being plain selfish.
We want to keep certain things that we know are at its best for us and when it is broken, we leave it behind – dangling from a frayed rope, not knowing what just hit it. We have our favourite people in the would and when they are also other people’s favourite, insecurity and consciousness of wanting to compete would flare up and bring us to a path blinded by jealousy. In the end, one person would be hurt, if not all.
I love this game of being selfish. I would want to keep everything for myself and when I know I am second best in anyone’s life, I would feel threatened and I would fight back, sometimes. At times, I would let it be because I know apart from being selfish, a silent and slow revenge has the sweetest taste, after victory. Certain people we would know that no matter whom or what comes in the way, there’s no replacing the memory or the friendship or the relationship, thus the secure feelings. But when we know that there would definitely be a 50 – 50 chance of losing the game, we would start tripping over our own feet leaving such mess behind – others would just shake heir head at. I try not to leave a mess, but a beautifully broken piece of self.
Selfishness is definitely an in thing for me at the moment, but I know when time comes, there would always be one lovely thing to do that most people would just hate to get. And that would be a secret I never tell.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
Turn my heart into stone; the world is just too cold for me.
Make my days a little bleaker; your love is not there to greet me.
I am a zombie; a lost soul in a human body.
I am dried up; there are no more tears for me to cry.
You said you love me; none of me ever believes it now.
You said you care about me; I walk away from your lies.
I close my heart to you, and you, and you, and you.
You broke my heart to tiny little thousand pieces; it can never be the same again.
x x x
Everyone craves for love and endless affections. Some may get it in an endless bulk, while some have to make do with one-sided emotions. Some may be scared with the level of intimacy; some may think that it is just a game. Some may feel that the other gender is a huge pain in the ass; some may think them as angels. Either way, love differs deeply between everyone.
Love is the only sole thing everyone look for in the other – wishing to achieve those Shakespeare like love we heard so many times or the St. Valentine kind that leave us in hope for he right guy and the right girl that would fill our heart with such loving feelings and would make us sacrifice. Does this love exist still? Will there ever be this kind of love?
We searched high and low; at times it comes without knocking. When it does come, we just wish it would be the person who would save our heart and soul. Would bring us to that place where love is such power that would heal everything – metaphorically speaking. Again, I doubt such love exist anymore. I doubt there would ever be the true meaning of love? Love would be replace by convenience, comfortability, fear and such.
Why do we get confused each time a new face of love arrives on our doorstep of heart? Or we are just easily bored by the absence of the person we love? How many times does love come knocking our heart? Or as Nadia said it, each time a new person come, a new kind of love would be learnt and adapted and felt. Maybe before this it was not love, just a misunderstood feeling? So when do we know which is love? Always it happens in real life and always we take the safer step of no getting our heart broken. We would start choosing the person that would make us happy or the person we know we can have some future with together. Either way, sometimes, we kill ourselves to choose – just to be safe or we would kill ourselves and the other person over our choice.
Hearts are broken like glasses. In hope one day, it would be the same newly manufactured glass when another new person appears. All those need for attention and love and endless affections would lead us in desperation to find just anyone who would give those things you seek for – putting aside those little screams in your mind saying it is just not right.
Random things of my mind, just to blow of some frustration steams.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off.., teardrops of silence
Life holds too little choices for safety now. It is either you are strong enough to brave out whatever that may come your way or you are as evil as you can be to scare all those unwanted moments away. Either way, you will end up in a blanket of misery.
My cousin was robbed while having a parang around his neck. My heart was stabbed like there is no other punching bag worth stabbing over and over again, but mine.
I preached that if we could change how we think, we would definitely be a different person than we were yesterday. Needless to say, that is all true. Yesterday I woke up in a daze of knowing it is just another day to feel sorry for myself but what I did not expect was it was also my mournful day and the day I got my heart broken. In spite of the thousands conflicts in my head, I know there is a part of me that if gauge out, would help me survive through all this drama without a blink of an eye. Loneliness may be my solo friend in the middle of the night, but when the light comes back on, there is no stopping what I can be. Today, I am the person gauged by situations.
Many of those who know me well would say whoever that got involve with me, they are in for a rollercoaster ride for their lifetime. I would not say that I am not fully-proud of that person but that person who will give you the ride of your life, is also the person I will always be. I will promise you that for every waking moment spent together, there would always be something to make our day a little bit memorable in the years to come. Just as the sea would wash the prints of out feet, I would leave my mark in your life – for sometime. And when I am gone and you’ve moved on, I can only hope that one day, they who were involved with me, would look back and say, I had the greatest time with her and she taught me something that I never knew I would have learnt.
Like
Jack knows just what I meant by this. With my compassion, there is also the danger level of meeting eye to eye with me in the battle of hearts. I would not be called a manipulating bitch for no reason.
A heart is so fragile that a wrong step taken would leave you scared for life. Only the brave ones would jump to feel the hurt and only the evil ones would use it for their ploy. I am either and I am neither. What I will be is for you to find out as the days crept along. If only everyone has a censor of how I can be in the future, it would do all of us well, including me.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
It has been refreshing to finally talk to someone who knows the real me and not judging me **cough** deeply **cough** for what I am, what I am capable of and what I have done in the past and may do in the future. He is right, my limitations do come from knowing I needed to take care of some parties’ feelings that I have gone off radar with my own writing. I need to stop flexing the truth and just be direct on everything – it is just who I am, and it is the person I am proud to be.
A relationship, from what I learn, can be the worst option in any life cases. Relationship has its ups and downs, true but at the same time, in this era, an insecure relationship, and with that I meant non-marriage relationship, is there any happiness within all those charade of ‘pre-marriage’ phase? I, myself, have never gotten out of it on a happier note; I wonder if there is a person who would be holding the torch of Olympic in this department for years before stepping into the shoes of marriage.
Sometimes I wonder about relationship and why do we need them. Logical and religion wise, it has been stated that it is in our nature to search for partners and it is in our nature to find comfort in other people’s arms. Dependency has become the number one needs in everyone life that when independence strike, everyone loses ground of understanding. Many would scream that the other just for not get the other and I understand that at the first few months, tolerance run high but when the mistakes repeats itself off on a daily, weekly or monthly bases, who is the saint in being patient? When would two people come to terms of their differences without clawing and ripping each other’s hearts before they realize that the only thing that they need to do is adapt. When this fails, face the fact, it is not going to succeed. Plan A says adapt, while Plan B says change to adapt. I will say abandoned Plan B because no one should change who they really are.
I trust myself for a good instinct to do the right thing when time matters and when there are those around me involved in those matters and I believe I have made equally bad and good choices in my days – I would probably say I have been evil to be kind most of the times. But when it comes to relationship, my sense would just go haywire just like everyone does and when I am finally out of the daze, I realize that the damage has been done and any amount of control may not save it. And I strengthen, I stated may.
Will this be again another road of misery for yet another guy and yet another guy for me? I wish it will never be this way and I hope it never would be.
Until my next brain-wave, an opinion of a girl – at times too biased but at least the discussion is out.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
For one moment, I thought I could love again.
And just as it comes with a sudden flash of lightning, it is gone again.
My heart aches all over again without you - love.
Labels: teardrops of silence
After days of not being able to voice out the inner screams in me, I have finally found the ability to type it out again. With anger and disappointment fueling my veins, I could only hope that there is a rainbow with a pot of gold at the end of it. **dreaming. dreaming. dreaming. ok enough**
I do think I have been having this block from writing due to the fact that people are reading my blog with this judgment of who I am in them – assumption from my side even though I live by the rule assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. **I mean like hello, it’s a blog, of course people read them, right? pfft!** At this moment, I am pushing that aside – the fact I may be judged or people may be hurt by my statements – I am going to speak my heart out. **ok ok. serious time**
For the past one month, my life has been a chaotic silence and all that I can hear is the buzzing of noise and the loud thudding of my own heart amidst my own laughter and my own smiles. A charade is all I have left in the face of everyone’s worry and happiness. The volcano inside me has been waiting for days to erupt but I have been keeping the larva cold enough to keep it below eruption level. I know every post of mine is just the same – angry and dark – but in truth that is just how I feel at those moments when I need to let out.
Love has died in me and the idea of it that appeals to me for years has now started to dim. Mom’s words keep on repeating itself, “Do not let love overrule your studies like before.” I am sure as hell doing just as she asked me to. I will not let my love life interfere with my studies, not again. I am stubborn, so what! **cross arms, chins out**
I am fueled by hate towards myself that I could not even begin to think past this second. I am not even living for the day, just for the second. There is this deep aching in my heart that I could not even start to describe. Maybe one day I can. Maybe one day I will know what it is. Maybe one day it will be clear to me. **shoulders drop**
For days, I have given reasons to why I am the way I am now – hot and cold without warning and most of the time, cold only towards the very one person I should love, Eb. I know that my constant headaches and migraines are from the unfeeling-stress that I am facing but I just do not know what stress that is burdening me so much is. Okay, giving the conditions of my life now;
I know that I am sacrificing myself for a relationship that I have no idea where it is heading and I am scared of knowing where it would go. I keep on telling myself that it is a good thing, all this sacrificing things, but instead of accepting the fact, my not-thinking-mind is dead set against it. I have been sitting in this seat where I am wondering what I can do to make my own situation better but each time I come up with a blank. I just wish it would pass away and tomorrow it will be okay. But then again, nothing will change unless I change it first, right? **that’s your own persuasion speech idiot. you should know!** Anyway, I am trying to change my own mindset – the sets where I think I would be better off without any guy and the sets where I am incapable of facing even more hurt than I did for the past year. Yes, I am changing those silly mindsets, at least I am trying to when I figure out how I am going to change it. **listening to Richard Harris – Will You Be There** I mean, I am trying to find what words should I repeat in my head to fool that subconscious mind in me which will fool my own heart.
I am facing final exams. It is just normal that I am going to be stressed. **like duh** I had 2 papers during free week and one paper on the 30th and another on he 3rd. now I am left with two very important paper **oooh. VIP! Very Important Paper. WOOT!** Okay, I don’t know what just happened there but yea, two more papers to go – one is on the 9th and another is on the 18th. HUGE GAP isn’t it? The bright side of this is that I could study per paper at once while the bad side, when everyone runs off home, I am stuck in this place I call ‘Hell-Hole’.
I have this huge banned sign to anyone who tries to manipulate my mind or whose actions will manipulate my mind and make me think about things I should not think. **I know and realize that the post is extremely long but as the topic says, it is overdue** I have gone through the phase where I would think myself as unworthy of someone’s friend or lover or even in the company of a person. The past two weeks has suddenly made me feel this way again – it becomes really obvious when I suddenly feel like running to anyone’s arms for ‘an interesting night’ and stop thinking of the one I supposedly love. I am banning that phase from my life but the temptation is so huge that at times I just want to slip into it, JUST ONCE, and end up feeling so angry at myself. **grr. Stupid liss**
The room is getting super duper messy and smelly. At times I enter the room and I would be greeted by the smell of feet or the smell of something rotting. The messiness has given me a fuck-load of allergy everyday and every night, stupid indons. Anyway, it is messy and when things are messy and my life is messy, I get stressed because I feel like my whole universe is not aligned.
I am tired of trying to do good for others. I am starting to fray at the middle of the rope. I can feel myself almost drowning in the screams in my head asking me to put myself first, to prioritize my life but I can’t. Each time I feel I am a step ahead of putting myself first, I take another ten steps back to where I was before and I would just sigh. I am tied to my responsibilities and I am tied to my heart. I just wish I could let go.
Uncle Sar is gone.. I still can’t believe it. I mean that is my Uncle Sar – My Big Boss, My SuperDuper Cool Uncle Who Ask Me About Porn And I Can Be So Open With, The Very Same Uncle We, Karti & I, Planned To Celebrate New Year With. **listening to breathe no more – evanescence** Uncle Sar, what happened? You are still too young to die. Why? I mean, we were supposed to celebrate the 50th guy remember? Our deal that we made years ago, what’s going to happen now? I can’t even think of watching Man U without screaming your name. I don’t want to support Man U now. The big game is this weekend, Man U and Arsenal. I still can’t believe it happened. What happened? Why did you end up in the woods? Who did this to you? I want to go home. I want to see him.
It is hard to let things go and it becomes harder when life topples itself over each other. I wish I can be transported anywhere anytime. I miss my happy days. I miss Uncle Sar. I want my mum, my stability. I want to go home.
Labels: ANGER, speechless, teardrops of silence
Stop those thudding in my head. Leave me alone. I do not want you to be there. I need the peace.
All these stresses are making me sick. Fuck.