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the alien  Liss S. (: 23. && Watt's.((: Loves Ice Cream && Chocolates. o.o I am currently in need of new shorts! 0.o" Loves Shopping. Heart Books :)) Still in Learning Processes. Enjoying the ups & downs of my life. C: |
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..confusion untangled: Lie, Honesty, Hide. **edited
29 December 2008
To lie, to be honest or to hide? A question that we ask ourselves more than five times in a day. A question that will swivel you off to a state of unwanted dilemma.
To lie is to deprive a person from the truth and the worthiness of the person you hold the truth from. As much as we argue that lying is a part of saving the person the hurt of knowing what they do not need to know, to finally know the truth of the lie hurts a thousand times more than the hurt you try to save the other person from.
To be honest is to tell a person the truth, the whole ugly truth without holding back even the smallest piece of information from the person. I argued that if there is one thing that hurts a person the most, it would be the truth. Truth is harder to be accepted than lies do. But it also shows that we consider the other person to be worthy of our honesty to let them bath in the shortest trip of hurt before acknowledging the respect you have shown him / her by telling that person the truth.
To hide is to be honest but to only a certain point or to not tell at all. We argue with ourselves that we did not lie and we told the truth, just not all of it. Also we argued on the fact that better it stays as a secret rather than it becomes a lie or the whole ugly truth comes out. But where is the logic in that? Don’t we live in constant fear of being afraid that the other person would find out about it sooner or later? Neither truth nor lie gets buried deep enough to be forgotten and not to resurface. People dig for dinosaur bones and they found it. Lies and truth would definitely be found, careless of how deep one keeps it from resurfacing. The world is too small for it to hide.
So which road should we take? Which is morally right? Which would save our dignity? Which would win all situations? I wonder about this every single night and in the end, I end up with HONESTY. Honesty has always been the best policy, careless of what – no matter what people say. There is a reason why honesty is the chosen one as the best policy – a reason that I have yet to understand.
I know that being too honest may cause me a lot someday but secrecy has caused enough pain in me to create the gap of being extra honest on every occasion. Better people to know the true, ugly me than a made up story of any bitch who cannot leave my life alone.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
puppets and masters **edited
We are all puppets and we have masters controlling the strings of our limbs and doings. Sometimes we have more than one master controlling them; may it be our parents, our studies or the love of our life. We follow the rules of the strings – where it is pulled, we follow and what is command, we follow. No one wants to make the masters unhappy. Unhappy masters mean puppets will be thrown away and we will be alone. Alone is a very dangerous feeling, so we let other people control us. So long as we make them happy, we are happy – so we like to believe.
Do Not Say Bad Words, we follow. Do Not Smoke, we follow. Do Not Put Your Hand Out Of The Open Window Of A Moving Car, we follow. Do Not Fail Any Of Your Papers, we follow. Do Not Cry we follow it too.
We know that after all that DO NOT, there’s a IF YOU DO. A threat is waiting behind the door of IF YOU DO and it usually strokes on the chord of fear in us.
Such as; if you do I’ll cut myself, if you do I’ll kill myself, if you do I’ll disown you, if you do you won’t get that thing you want, if you do your allowance would be hold back, if you do you will get your hand cut by other people.
In the midst of all those, we forgot to prioritize one person who should be happy first, ourselves. We try so hard to take care of other people’s feeling that we forgot that our own feelings are betrayed by our actions – careless of all the ‘it is worth it’ and the ‘this makes me happy’ chants that we repeat in our head.
So we live in the state of fake happiness that we are comfortable with to a point we forgot the real reason we are actually a puppet – to be guided by those who have more experience than we do and to learn to judge which is wrong and which is right before deciding to be guided again towards yet another decision. Not to be control or to obey, but to be guided and to decide.
I am tired of being a puppet who obeys. I wish someone would hear me out before making me obey. I do not want to be controlled, I want to be guided.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
anger exploded: lust is not love.
I used to remember a friend whom told me once that his life was all about the sex he can get. Average per day is 3 times and countless rounds – it would be in the morning, afternoon after lunch and of course, night time. There is another who expressed that he is dumbfounded by the way some girls express their likes towards him by using sex as the main trap. He would be lured to bed and once the girls had a taste of him, he is wanted over and over again. While another friend who shared her experience, says that she has come to a point where sex is confused as love – sex is used as a way to express love, the only way, too many times to be counted. She ends up broken that she uses sex as the main reason to feel love – even if it is just for a shot few hours.
Here’s the issue, when did lust is confused as love started? And since when did sex rule the whole point of love?
It struck me that most of us are dumb and insecure. We rush into this thing we call sex and immediately declare love right after the orgasm. Where is the fun of courting, getting to know each other and little fights gone to? Suzie was right when she says that all of us, non married humans, are playing the pretend game of ‘mummy and daddy’ or ‘husband and wife’. We jumped right into the middle of the relationship without even paddling through the little details that matters.
Since it is ‘mummy and daddy’ / ’husband and wife’ – there would be the compliance of wanting the guy to be responsible of all while the girl would have to give in to all / obey the husband. In the end, no one is happy, fights broke out almost every night and in the end, it is time to part ways. It is the definition of unhappy relationship of all and suddenly, the pretense became real. A real life baby is on the way and both the pretend actors have to leave the stage and be real.
I wonder if any of the issues were taken care of. If all those things they forgot to paddled through were dealt properly with. Or will the baby bear the fruit of betrayal both felt and live a life not only as a bastard, but a very unhappy and torn bastard.
Lust is not love and nor sex is a sign of love. One should never confuse any of it as a part of love. If you think that you love a person right after jumping into bed with him or her, jump out and refrain yourself from sex. If you still love the other person through all heir flaws, their weaknesses, their strengths and their beauty, then it is love.
Neither lust nor sex should ever be the measurement for love. Whomever has this philosophy in their head, you are either a screwed up or you need to have a religion. Love is no longer pure – it is contaminated by the one thing that Allah forbids us Muslims to do before marriage, sex.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
a state of mind in a losing battle ..
26 December 2008
“I’ve got to stop fighting and start accepting.” The chants continue on playing in my head but there’s a part of me that could not help it but feel helplessly betrayed. Putting aside those feelings that rob my happiness away, I just continue on chanting with the additional, “When you say yes in the first place, you are also saying yes to all the baggage involved.” Thus, the post – a reminder to a dear self before I explode to a point of no return.
I doubt there will ever be a win-win situation for Girls Vs. Substances. I am almost giving up on the fight myself and continuing with the feeling of lets-just-turn-a-blind-eye-towards-the-actions. If only I could give up – I know I can, but in return, my own sate of psychology would be at risk. Which is better – depression or fight? Since I am not a person who prioritizes self, thus I choose depression. Depression it is going to be from now on.
I know there would be days when I am going to cry and lose myself, and there would also be days when I would feel okay. If it is what it takes yet again, then, it would be it. I do not want to be hurt by either both. so I will back off and let them be together while I tag along.
There is no use fighting a losing battle someone once told me, but I used to beg to differ saying that a fight is yet to be lose until a person is dead. I guess it is true that I am weaker now – I even let go of my principles. What happened to me?
Labels: teardrops of silence
to those who hate boring post, run. this is one of it.
17 December 2008
List down the main five things that makes your world go round.
Family.
Friends.
Money.
Love.
Food.
Family.
Friends.
Money.
Love.
Food.
Without these five things, most would feel lost like a small ship thrown in the middle of the ocean – trying to survive the rough waves. It is just a matter of time before we try to replace these five with something that would fill in that void in your heart.
I am not much of an alien as I would point out to those dearest to me, yes, I am extremely independent but at the same time, I am not excluded from the pain of losing those main things I mention that also make my own world go round. I think I am the biggest and the most often to turn on my tears-pipe compared to most people I know.
Family – a bond one would never be able to replace no matter where one goes or do. Even to the end of our day, we would search for that particular relationship that we call family ties – may it be far or near. No matter how we squabble, fight and sometimes beat each other up, when it comes to family, it is just that, family is family – the unbreakable and irreplaceable bond. I love my family to bits, nonetheless they are the step family or not. Every single person in my family is precious to me. They not only shape the way I am, they are the only sole reason I can still smile through my dark days. My family, no matter how broken or freaky they may seem to others, they are still the best in my eyes – immediate or further related.
Friends, a collection of human that we trust and share another form of bond that gives us the sanity of every living human need, the people that we count on through fun, happy, rough and sad times. The betrayal of friends undeniably would leave us scarred but for most, friends are replaceable. Many has gone through the ups and downs of friendship – the same way love goes, but there are only few that we can consider true friends that would not snigger at anything we do and accepted us the way we are – with all the complications in our daily lives. I have found my own collection of forever friends – and I admit I do take them for granted, more than they ever made me believe I did. I worry of losing friends but at the same time, there is lesser effort to hold up the other end of bargain for relationship from myself. I would not blame the whole situation on other people because I know it is purely from my own decisions – for example, I choose to ignore my friends, sometimes I choose to not care because of a situation, may it be busy with catching up with my family, busy with my current love life or fulfilling other people’s wishes. But when I do need them, I would come running to them for comfort. As I said, I am pretty good at taking them for granted. I am used to being alone, thus I do not feel the pain from it much. But sometimes, when I look at others who would often go out with their bunch of friends, laugh and share a moment, the envious side of me would make me sad. I knew I was a part of it, and now, I am no longer a part of it, due to my own decision. Well, I am getting off track about it, but in short, without friends, sometimes we can’t define who we are. It would be them that would stick by our side through thick and thin, it would also be them who would give us the motivation to fulfill the things we are scared to even pursue. If there is one thing that matters the most in this world, that would be friends. Friends are the people that we would tell everything that we think of no matter what, especially the things we can’t share with our family.
Money cannot buy everything in this world but without money, nothing can be done. For everything that needs to be done, or do, it involves money. In short, money does make the world go round, even if we deny that simple fact. If not, there would not be beggars on the streets. I love money, I do. It makes me happy especially if I spend it on things that I love – even if it is just a cup of hot chocolate from Coffee Bean. The feeling of finally spending something leaves a satisfactory smug smile on my face. But, leave me without money, I would be devastatingly upset. I hate the thought of being penniless but I am a huge spender in nature. I spend as if the money would not run out, but when I’ve finished all my money, I’ll the un-abhorred ship, without fail. I am sure you all do to.
It is an understatement when one says that love is over-rated. I doubt explanations is needed for this but all those who are striving to be single, do not tell me that every night or maybe some night before you fall asleep, you did not wish for a person you could turn to or sometimes a person that you can call your own. Do not tell me that when someone tells you ‘I love you’, you did not feel the blossoming of your heart, and the emptiness it left you when you can’t hear it again. Everyone is such a lying bitch when they say love is over-rated.
I am a food-fan. I love food and I love eating. When I am deprived from food, I would really feel depressed. Food makes me smile and happy! I remember the days I live on just bread and sometimes just biscuits, even maggi! The horror of being deprived from the real food really leaves me in tears, laugh all you want, but at least I know how beggar feels when they look at you, wishing for the food that you eat. I would not love to be in that position ever again but I know I will, definitely not looking forward to it.
On that note, I end the extremely long and boring post that only I would understand the reason of its existence here. Now I am off to find food. My tummy is grumbling.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
..confusion untangled: GIRLS vs SUBSTANCES
07 December 2008
It is a common fight between the girls and their boyfriends – which is the priority, substances or them? Out of every ten guys, I dare say 7 of them would face the heat of this argument. By substances, I meant every kind of drugs and alcohol weed, ecstasy, five, beer, the whole line of liquor, ice and the list goes on. Most girls would fight teeth and claws over this. No girls like to be put second – no matter how the guys say that the girlfriend is their main priority, when substances are involved – there’s no denying what we girls feel – we are second and if it goes on a daily basis; frustrations, tears and anger would definitely be our main mood.
I used to swear to myself that I would stay away from guys who are into drugs and booze because I have to be understanding of their needs for those substances when inside I am boiling with sadness for putting myself second to those killers (substances). The sad fact is, I do understand that those substances are like their second nature, their worst habit that is hard to die and as much as I would like to not understand, I do. One guy after another, I would say, “It’s okay, I understand. Go ahead and have fun. I’ll be here waiting. Don’t take too much, know your limits.” I put myself below those substances on purpose. I do not want a fight but inside it hurts, so I will cry.
I’ve tried so many ways to deal with it - from fighting teeth and claws, self-inflicted pain (cutting my hands), trashing my rooms, crying, joining the game of substances (drinking, doing drugs and whatnots) but the hurt inside me never did die. I guess, I am just not cut out to be a part of it.
I do not know how to make people leave these life of substances, I do not know how to deal with those frustrations involving those substances, I do not know how to react when it were taken. All I know is how to take care of you when you do take it, when I should put a stop to the daily intakes, and when I should keep quiet and stay out until the time is right. I just wish one day I can still smile and see through all that when it gets too much.
For those girls who fought teeth and claws over those substances and succeed, I hope you will share your secrets with me. For those who failed, it is okay – you have tried your best and it is for your own importance that you leave now, while you are still hurting. For those who achieved the balanced and learnt how to deal with those substances, please do tell me how you do it, I may need it one day.
For those guys who read this and felt as if I am talking about you, I am talking purely out of my experiences and my own feelings. There is no sarcasm or headshots intended. I am just writing down an observation that I see is increasing today. For those guys who are lucky to get a girl that would join you on every occasion of the events involving substances, you are lucky. Maybe this would shed some lights to those complications you see on women.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
Nazrin Aqmal Ismail
06 December 2008
There you lay, your head on my lap, your eyes stare back into mine.
I felt the rush into my veins, my heartbeat thunders in my head, my eyes tell you all.
I love you then, I love you before, I love you always.
I knew I loved you without even realizing that I did.
It has been awhile, quite a long while.
You were worth the wait, worthy of all the time.
I felt it was real before – it was just an illusion.
Life brings me to the point where love blinds all.
I pray we would always be together through all the time.
May it last forever – just you and I.
x x x
I felt the rush into my veins, my heartbeat thunders in my head, my eyes tell you all.
I love you then, I love you before, I love you always.
I knew I loved you without even realizing that I did.
It has been awhile, quite a long while.
You were worth the wait, worthy of all the time.
I felt it was real before – it was just an illusion.
Life brings me to the point where love blinds all.
I pray we would always be together through all the time.
May it last forever – just you and I.
x x x
Life holds the biggest surprise for me the past few days. The feelings developed throughout the past two months blossom with every kiss, hugs and love showered from you. I could have not been expecting it, not after all the things we both went through this year. But we found happiness in each others companion, laughter and smiles.
When I look into your eyes, I see myself in you. I felt like I understand you without even a single word muttered. I am scared by it – the uncertainty of myself in you, the love I felt for you, the unthinkable feelings that developed after many years buried. You made me feel like I could reach for the moon and even if I fail, I would still succeed and nothing would hurt me, but I know we both can. I am scared. I am scared for you, me and both of us.
We first met on the 24th of August, 2008. That was the first time we really met. Before this, it was all through online and through calls. He met me before, but I did not notice. McDonalds as he said it – the first time he saw me and the time he fell in love. That was middle of 2007 and he found me on Friendster a year after he saw me. He always finds a way to make me smile, he always listens to my woes and he cared about my welfare. Through the dreadful day of 24th of August, he was beside me, making me see that living in the past and in anger, hoping for what will never be will only make me unhappy. He was there, making me smile even though he has yet to have his sleep. Shy as he was, he hugged me close. I knew I like him more than a friend than.
Through out the time we were apart from August till November, we kept in touch. My feelings for him grew and when it finally hit me in the head that I am starting to fall in love with him, I cried. I was unsure of how he felt for me and I keep on thinking that my love for him would never be returned. Every night I would wait up, to see whether he is okay. I would make sure that he smiles and he sleeps or we would just chat for few moments before I drift off to sleep. There are times when he really pisses me off but sometimes, he was just the person I waited for to make my night. His antics brings me smiles up to today – no matter how small the gesture is, it is imprinted in my mind, like the smell of his perfume wafting in and out of my brain.
26th November, 2008: He was lying down on my thighs, gazing up to look at me. When our eyes met, I knew there was already no turning back. All those tears, confusion and heart aches two months ago were real – I was already slowly falling in love with a guy I could not have then. I was tied still, to a relationship with Chong, thus things were as simple as ABC - we could not be together back then. But on that day, when I look straight inside his eyes and fell for the person that has always been by my side – through good times and bad times, I knew that I love him; back then, now and always.
Eyes are the windows of the heart and eyes do not lie, as they say. They were right. I knew what I saw in his eyes that night and I know it was unmistakable. Not only his love was apparent, also who he is. He is someone that I have been looking for, all this time. He is the lost soul in me that I could not find for many years. He holds the key to a happiness that I have long forgotten. He is the reflection of me – the person I wish to have.
There may be a thousand lumpy roads that I may have to face with him; but I know it would be okay with him by my side. He has always been my knight in shining armour, and he always will be.
I love you Nazrin Aqmal Ismail. ♥
Labels: love, nazrin aqmal ismail