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Arii 8 : drugged sleep
20 February 2009
Azry woke up and feel the ache of emptiness surrounds him. Reading her writings and seeing her cry, he feels helpless. Oblivious to her pain, he was shocked to see the depth of it. Confusion clouds his mind as he wonders and ponders the way to settle it but none came to mind. He turns to his phone and saw her message. A small smile appears as he read the single word that states there, “morning.” The pretense continues, he thought as he prepares to go and face a whole busy day ahead.
She sighs as she recalls last night – nothing achieved, again. He finally sees her pain but that was as far as it goes. Praying that he has the maturity to not go suicidal, she sent him a text message.
“I won’t be able to handle the guilt if anything happened to him. Fuck. I shouldn’t have said anything!” as her mind starts to worry her.
She knows she should have just kept the pretense and let go of the need to settle the problem that exist between them. There’s nothing else that she could do. If only she listened to her heart instead of her head. Looking at the clock, she tsk-ed in annoyance. It’s time to prepare for class, 1115am.
xxx
That was two days ago, when the day tsunami of her life came crashing with a sweep – the unsolvable relationship problem, the dawning of understanding why her mom never made the call to ask about her ticket to go back, and the feeling of helpless that she felt as she tries to grasp all the things that just happened. All happened within three hours and adding to it, one after another. The pain in her heart became overflowed to a point that she could not even recognize the pain as pain. Her Lightyears moment came crashing without a knock, yet again. She wonders when it will all end.
xxx
“Do you think we’ve settled our problems,” Arii asked.
“No. We are still pretending. I know,” Azry answered.
Her mind wanders as she watches the film unfolds in front of her eyes. She wishes they can talk. There’s no longer a problem between them, but two broken hearts that lost their means of communication due to self-ignorance. There’s nothing that one can do to fix this unless a compromise is made before one pair of eyes shuts down – a compromise that could be achieved by action and mutual understanding. It seems that she’s again hoping for the unbelievable but she would like to believe that after the past couple of day’s incident, he would definitely give a change a try. She just hopes that she would not end up in another drugged sleep tonight - from disappoinment.
The ringing of her phone waked her up from her daydream – Azry’s calling.
“There’s trouble at home. Will tell you later about it. Bye,” was all she heard when she answered. Knowing the importance of the situation, she said okay and let him do what he needs to do to handle the situation.
As she dialed his sister’s number to check up on her, she doubt that the promised talked would even happen. She closes her eyes as she wills the pain to stop and wills herself to understand – she fails.
xxx
As she drifts into another realm where dreams are non-existent, she smiles. Another drugged sleep, unavoidable, and soon after she thought of the three words, her breathing becomes even and her face portrays peace.
Labels: long journey of the brain