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Arii 10 : Hunger & Anger
01 March 2009
Her heart finally feels at peace. She let it all out for him to hear. Her pain, her anguish and her understanding was all out in the open by the time she ends the call. No matter if tears were streaming down her face, it was tears of relieve. She wishes that the feeling stays with her till always – she loves him and now she knows she will always be in love with him, no matter what. Their days would be once again filled with rainbows, butterflies and chirping birds declaring their happiness. No more days of pretending that the butterflies exist. This time, it is real.
That day seems so far away from today now. She sighs. She sits at her desk, head leaning at the bed post behind her while looking at the clouds rolling over with speed and darkness, signaling the upcoming tears of the mother earth. She willed herself to be strong and calm – ignoring the pain in her jagged heart. Her stomach grumbles along with the sound of the rolling thunder. No wonder she’s short-tempered now, Arii thought. Her hunger is affecting her emotions and she let her own tears fall as she pities herself.
xxx
“Thank you Sayang for opening my eyes to the things that I overlooked. I never did understand and now I do. Thank you.” This was the message he sent to her on the day she left him speechless as she poured her heart out to him. Even after the whole revelation, she still tries to sooth his heart endlessly. He knows she loves him, he just hopes he could live up to what he thinks he should do now. His resolution to be better strengthened with the parting words he gave her when his phone died later that night.
Today, Azry was bombarded by once again her aloofness and coldness. She calls him her policeman, keeping her a prisoner in a world she rebels to be free from. Sarcasm oozed from words she spoke and typed. She wouldn’t understand the need he has to protect her. He loves her too much to see her hurt in any way. His worry increases as he thinks of the fact that he’s not there everyday to protect her. Why can’t she get that he just love her too much thus his overbearing protectiveness and possessiveness. He’s obsessed with her. He would do anything just as long as she is safe. He sighed in resignation, just when things were looking up for both of them. Why must she be this way?
I hate you! Her last parting words played in his head over and over again. He’s at lost again. “I’ve tried to do things her way, she’s unhappy. All that she asked me to do, I’ve done it. What is more that she is asking from me?” He’ll wait for her storm to be over and then they’ll talk, careless if he sees no point in doing so. “Ahhh! I’ll decide later,” he said internally. He let out a deep sigh and turned his attention towards his friend, another person who needs his attention.
xxx
She can’t move. She’s practically glued to the sit she’s in. The day is dark and the rain pours endlessly. She seems hypnotized. A couple hours has passed since she sits here. Only her wet cheeks and her puffy eyes were the betrayer of the calmness that exuded from her position. New scars marked her arms, more pills habitat in her stomach. She couldn’t care anymore. “I just want the pain to end. Let the numbness be the queen again,” Arii mumbled to herself. “If only Aara is here,” she thought as the tears fall, soaking her already wet cheeks. “I need you,” the chant that filled her head as she conjured him up again, the way she always do.
xxx
Arii’s summon shows the depth of her pain. Aara took over her body and lead her to a peaceful place. He looks upon her and let her slips in the peace she was deprived from. Arii is not strong enough to be left alone. He wished he could blend in her and be a whole part together with her. As it is, that is not how it works.
He holds her hands, the way she always like it. It sooths her she said. Aara pulls her close to him and let her head dropped on his shoulder. He listens to her mumbled pain in silence and let her tears soak his shirt. He’s out of words - speechless. He can’t understand the need for her to beat herself up just because she wants a little bit of happiness.
“It’s not his fault Aara. Azry has always been this way. He loves me too much. I understand that he is just being the way he always is. I feel so guilty to even want to be happy without him here. He misses me, Aara. I wish I can sooth the pain of me being far. This is my entire fault, really it is. I’m sorry I cut myself again Aara. I know you don’t like it when I do. I didn’t realize I was doing it. My head feels so heavy now. Can I sleep here? Will you be here with me till I am okay? Don’t leave please. I do not want to be alone. I need you,” Arii muttered slowly. Hurt and guilt poisoned heavily in her words. He can only listen while he drew circles on her palm.
“Is it hard to love me Aara? Afy were always in pain when he was with me. Amz left me. Am I that complicated? I tried to be better always. I promised I will always be better. When I am already the person they want, they leave. Why can’t they understand me Aara? I feel so useless sometimes. I gave everything that they want. I gave away everything that I want and need. I sacrifice so much but why is it still so hard to love me? Aara I wish I can be the person they could love without complain. Why is it so hard to love me Aara?” A new bout of sobs broke and shakes her whole being. She cried with such pain and confusion raking from her body. In dismay I pulled her closer to me while she cries, matching the downpour outside.
“Shh.. Shh.. Shh… Stop crying baby. It will all be okay. I’m here now. We’ll get through this together. I promise. Shhh… now.”
Azry felt his own tears trickled down his face as he sympathize this small, broken girl that carries the burden of the world in her. He holds her till he felt she goes limb in his arm. The pills must be affecting her now.
“The pain is gone Aara. The pills finally worked,” she slurred while her whole body droops with numbness. He told her to lie down on the bed while he lies down next to her. Her face portrays peace that always appears after the pills play it course. He moved the locks of hair that covers her face and kissed her forehead.
“It will be over soon baby. I’m here now,” he mutters to her ear. She smiles her sweet smile and they both moved to the realm of fantasy.
Labels: long journey of the brain