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the alien  Liss S. (: 23. && Watt's.((: Loves Ice Cream && Chocolates. o.o I am currently in need of new shorts! 0.o" Loves Shopping. Heart Books :)) Still in Learning Processes. Enjoying the ups & downs of my life. C: |
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Arii 11 : It's Okay
05 March 2009
With the pills as my lullaby, I drift into a dream that I built. There stood Aara, talking to me; just as he would any other day I conjure him up. This time, it’s almost real, we talked and we cried. We laughed and we fought. But come to a point, we both just sat in silence as he hold me close.
“I don’t think you love Azry anymore. I know you well and I know there won’t be a day that will pass without you feeling like an idiotic fool for loving this person in the future.”
Arii sat in silence and let his words bath her thoughts. She remembers Aed and his conquest years before and how she feels like she is in almost the same position as before. Just the difference is that she is blessed with remembering all the details and a numb heart. She’s confused and Aara’s statement is not helping to keep her head straight. Thus she sat in silent and her dream drifts into nothingness as she slips deeper into a hole she loves.
xxx
Azry just got back from his impromptu speed to a place he thought he could think. Many things happened and he wishes to share it with Arii. He knows now what to do, and he knows he has a lot of apologizing to be done with. He just hopes that all would forgive him.
“Hello Baby. I miss you! I miss you so much!” my cheery voice resonates.
The voice in return was not as I expected. I left hearing her happy voice only to come home to the voice I have been hearing over a month. The coldness, the anger and the hurt return with full force in her voice and it left me speechless.
“Baby, talk to me.”
“It’s okay. You talk. I will listen. You told me that there were tons you wanted to tell,” the words spoken slowly and with retirement accentuated by the end of the sentence.
As how things were in the prior month, the conversation ended abruptly, with no solution, no agreement, or happiness. The future seems bleak now.
xxx
Arii finally controls her pill-popping habit. It has been three days since she last took the pills but every single night, she could feel the effect of the pills changing her body. She could feel her chest void of air, struggling to breath she tries to find a position where her stomach would stop stabbing her with little daggers from all corners. Uncomfortably, she drifts into a sleep she knows would leave her waking up every hour.
Hair sticking to her neck, sweat soaking up her shirt, she woke up with a sigh. She lies down on the bed with her eyes close and tries to fall back to sleep again. Instead she started thinking of all the things in her life and the things she heard from her friends.
The healing scar on her hand brushes roughly on her face when she drapes her arm there. Thinking to self, everyday has been the same – the anger, the hurt, the coldness. She wills herself to open up her heart but no matter how hard the effort she puts in it, it would not happen – her heart would not blossom. It struck her that she has not only made an uncomfortable life for herself, but also for Azry that deserves to be happy. She tries to be honest with him, to accept him in her heart again, but each time she tries to communicate with him, she end up being cold and bitchy when it has never been her intention to be so.
He’s just a kid Arii – barely an adult. High expectations of him to be who you wish and whom he promised is still a long way to come. There would be no reason for him to grow up just yet, not even his love for you. It is not time for him to grow up. You need to let go of this hurt you are holding onto. No matter if everyday you found out things that drag a knife across your already battered heart, you should just ignore it and create happiness for him - just as you realized now how he would put off your feelings to achieve his own satisfaction. Maybe one day, the happiness would rub off on you and you would feel the happiness you gave to him.
Tears trickled down her face as it always does every time she thinks of the position she is in. she wants to act, but the pain holds her back. She wants to be happy but his voice or anything that is related to him becomes a constant reminder of his ignorance and his lack of apologizing manner. Days to weeks to months she waited for the word ‘sorry’ to be voiced out with sincerity and full of meaning – it never did. She shuts down her brain from thinking too much of it and summarizes that she would be a different person tomorrow.
Tomorrow comes and it almost ends but she could still feel the grip of ice around her heart. She wants it to end; she wants the pain to go. She wants to try to be happy – she just can’t. She is in love but her heart is for her to keep, no longer Azry’s. She’s numb as her heart buries itself deep – out of reach.
Labels: long journey of the brain