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Arii 13 : Empty Shell
10 March 2009
“I HATE YOU! YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME! I’M GOING NOW AND THIS TIME YOU CAN’T STOP ME!” I yelled through the screen.
Anger seethed through me like the snake venom slowly making my whole body rigid. In my head hatred towards her and her obnoxious attitude fan the fire in my already burning heart. Why can’t she just listen to me once? Why is it so hard to choose between me and the pills? This time she has gone too far. It’s over and I’m done with her dramas!
Luckily that she is far or I wouldn’t know what I would do to her. “Argh!” I scream inwardly. I want to die. I’m tired of all of this. First it was mom now Arii. They are both the same. They don’t care about me. All they care about is to put the blame on me. I’ve followed everything that they say and still they blame me.
xxx
In an effort to calm the fueling anger in his heart, Azry broke his glasses and trashed his room. Too much anger and hurt boiling in him and he still can’t shake the feeling off. The idea of suicide appeals more and more to him and he wants to do it – just for the fun sake of calming the fire.
Before his first suicide attempt, he messaged Arii’s close friend, Afeeya, “I am going to die. Take care of my soul-mate. Tell her I love her so much.” But, suicide attempt number one failed. He lies on the bed and pity just how lonely he is.
xxx
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she read the words on her laptop screen. Tears of sadness mixed with tears of relieved. The hopeless relationship finally ends with a goodbye – a parting ways of two people who used to be so in love. She read her own words, word by word, words of her life, and let her tears roll freely down her cheek, as a gift to goodbye.
Relieve to the lifting of the humongous burden on her shoulder, she smiles at herself in the mirror. Through her eyes, their reminiscence swam in and out the current of memory and she wishes him good luck in live - a silent prayer sent to above. All the blame he threw at her she took without complain. She says sorry and she accepts the abuse sent her way. All the anger, hurt and pain he said caused by her she apologized. Still she can’t let go of the tingling worry in her head. She dials his number to confirm his decision.
Numerous times she dialed; he ignored and rejected her calls. When he does finally answer, she can hear his sobs of anger and his voice strained when answering her. She knows that her voice holds no warmth as she asked but he put down the phone even before he answers. One word he mutters that makes sense to her head, “Text.” Quicker than when the burden was lifted off, the burden came back. His cries of attention show that she is yet to be off the hook. Arii let out a deep sighed and willed her self to be strong to face a tough night ahead.
xxx
All the time he messaged her, his anger increased another notch. Just when he thinks he can’t be angry anymore, it increases again. Her words were soft, her words full of care but somehow in my mind it all seems pretentious. She’s no longer the Arii he loves and she is definitely the traitor in this relationship. She does things that hurt him and she blames him for everything that happened to them, even if she didn’t say it. He can’t take anymore of her hypocrisy and he attempted a second suicide which almost left him soulless.
xxx
“I wanna die.”
“Why?”
“Idk.”
“And you still want to die?”
“Yes.”
“Give me one good valid reason why you want to die.”
“I tried to kill myself again. I want to die.”
“You want me to call for help?”
“No.”
“You still want to attempt suicide?”
“I wanna die.”
“I’m asking for help. You mum should know if you want to die.’
“Please, don’t tell my mom.”
…
The whole night their message banter goes on in this tone. Arii did tell his mother on the matter and she advised her to ignore him. Arii has a test the next day and there are still lots to be studied, thus his mom told her to concentrate on her studies and not his attention-seeking drama. Even then, Arii feels obligated to message Azry till a point where he goes silent and she didn’t bother to give him a call to check if he is alive or not. Her studies are her first priority compared to him now.
xxx
Five in the morning, after three hours of sleep, Arii woke up to finish her studies and her essay. Azry saw that she is awake again, he buzzed her through her messengers and requested for her to call him. Knowing that there would not be much to talk about, she declined with the reason people are sleeping in the room and it is rude to wake them up with their argument. Thus, they chatted. One small incident triggered another bout of argument between them and she sighed. Her book open to the chapter she has yet to revised, her laptop open with his chat-window as her background, she let her eyes travel back and forth in hope that her effort would pay off when the time comes.
Azry: I love happy day
Azry: I hate you
Azry: You want everything from me
Azry: Every bad things u throw it to me
Azry: I wanna stretch
Azry: But I need someone to talk to
Azry: Hey
Azry: I knw you
Azry: Arii!
Azry: Huh!
Azry: U!
Azry: U take drugs
Azry: Ewwwwwwwwwww
Azry: Hahahha
Azry: Same goes to meeeee
Azry: Hmm
Azry: Hey you
Azry: Can you do me a favor?
Arii: Wad?
Azry: Can you help me
Azry: Tell me what is goin on?
Arii: I cn tell u wad is going on but thrs no use. To u, im throwing all d bad things at u.
Azry: Can u call me
Arii: Think again, hu tells u dat wad u do is right n nt wrong?
Azry: I need to talk
Arii: No i cnt call u
Arii: I finished my credit last night trying to save u
Azry: Did u call ur friends?
Arii: Hah! I wish!
Azry: Meaning?
Azry: That
Azry: U dont wanna talk to me?
Azry: Oh fine
Azry: Its ok
Arii: I finished my credit trying to save u
Azry: Im used to it already
Arii: What part of dat says I dun want to talk to u?
Azry: People ignore me when i ave nothing
Arii: Yea. I’m one of them, right?
Azry: They talk bullshit about me
Azry: Even when i dont know anything
Azry: Naah
Azry: Ur nice
Azry: U wanna listen to me
Azry: I like you
xxx
Azry finally admits that he does the suicide attempts because he wants her attention. His text continues till the early dawn when he couldn’t keep himself up to see the screen.
“You ignore me and you give your attention to other people more. I’m lonely when you do that but I keep quiet. I just want your attention.”
“Will you be my Mrs. Cookie again and go to la la land with me?”
Shutting down her brain, Arii accepts the offer and with just that, they are together again. Arii vowed that even if her heart hurts, her self lost, and her mind goes numb; she’ll obey his wishes for now. She’ll give him what he wants even if he made things worst for her because that is what she is to him – just the very one girl he can’t live without and he is willing to bend her to any point as long as he can keep her with him forever.
xxx
You have controls over me that I never did approve of, but it is okay. I let you have the controls even though I know the controls that you have on me would kill me slowly. It will be better if I die, rather than you do.
I may act like my heart is in your hand.
I may let you believe that no one could make me love you like you did.
I may keep quiet when you made the changes you did to my life.
But,
What you have is just an empty shell of a human.
I am dead.
I denied myself the respect I should get.
I let myself take the blame of your deeds.
I let myself be abused by you.
An empty shell of a human – a dead soul.
There’s no doubt that I do love you.
But whom you love, is just an empty shell of a human.
-Arii.
-The End-
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