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the alien  Liss S. (: 23. && Watt's.((: Loves Ice Cream && Chocolates. o.o I am currently in need of new shorts! 0.o" Loves Shopping. Heart Books :)) Still in Learning Processes. Enjoying the ups & downs of my life. C: |
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scream out loud archives
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Arii 9 : Her Betrayal
24 February 2009
Arii looked at the air with such a lost look on her. A tear trickled down her face as she thought the things in her head. She wonders when she will ever stop feeling the hurt in her heart. Through out the day people have been throwing insults her way – she let them speak their heart out. Some people do not understand her calmness and her patience, some do. To her, it is all the matter of karma. She accepts all the bad experiences coming her way because she knows she deserves it after all she has done in the past.
A part of her heart ache to the constant words coming out from Azry. She doesn’t want to fight. Although she knows she has done nothing as big as what Azry has caused the pain in her heart, she kept quiet. As silently as she could, she swallowed her last couple of pills. She knows she exceeded her normal dosage but she could not care. She needs to calm her already breaking nerves. She holds back the sniffles threatening to escape her. She doesn’t want him to know that she’s hurting. She tried without giving up cheering him up, the guy she loves, without a doubt.
Her feet are as cold as ice. Her body starts to feel an out-of-body experience. Her eyes drooping, threatening to bring her to the other realm where hurt is less and she is the queen of her actions. Arii’s hand trembles slightly due to the high dosage of pills in her empty stomach. It’s getting harder to distinguish her thoughts and her disarrayed piece of imagination. She smiles thru her tears, her head propped up by the wall, where she slumped after knowing he doesn’t remember hurting her at all. Wiping her tears, she pushed herself off her comfortable position and succumb to her disease; depression.
xxx
He can’t believe she did that to him! How could she not reply his messages when he is waiting with worry? What’s more, she’s on the phone with her ex! His chest feels tight with fury and his head is trying to grasp at such betrayal he felt from her. She won’t listen to him at all and now this! He feels like screaming, he feels like leaving a hole somewhere. The anger, the betrayal and the sadness overwhelms his being and all he could think of is disbelief. He can’t even get his head around the fact.
**Ringing of the phone**
“Hello, sayang?” Arii said with cautious. My grunt came as the answer.
“I’m really sorry. I won’t do it anymore. I told him we can’t be friends. He understands.” Arii said timidly.
“What does he understands?” I demanded.
“He understands that you are the most important person in my life now.”
“If I’m important you won’t do this to me. I never did such thing to you. I always try to take care of your feelings!” my answer to her, my voice rising by each word.
He still can’t believe what she has done to him. He doesn’t want to think. He just wants the night to be over.
xxx
She can’t stand the pain he inflicted on her anymore. She’s transported back into the past, yet again. Obliging to his words, she went to sleep. Thanks to the last couple of pills she popped, she drifts off to her world where Aara is gone and Arii is a better person than she is in reality.
Labels: long journey of the brain
Arii 8 : drugged sleep
20 February 2009
Azry woke up and feel the ache of emptiness surrounds him. Reading her writings and seeing her cry, he feels helpless. Oblivious to her pain, he was shocked to see the depth of it. Confusion clouds his mind as he wonders and ponders the way to settle it but none came to mind. He turns to his phone and saw her message. A small smile appears as he read the single word that states there, “morning.” The pretense continues, he thought as he prepares to go and face a whole busy day ahead.
She sighs as she recalls last night – nothing achieved, again. He finally sees her pain but that was as far as it goes. Praying that he has the maturity to not go suicidal, she sent him a text message.
“I won’t be able to handle the guilt if anything happened to him. Fuck. I shouldn’t have said anything!” as her mind starts to worry her.
She knows she should have just kept the pretense and let go of the need to settle the problem that exist between them. There’s nothing else that she could do. If only she listened to her heart instead of her head. Looking at the clock, she tsk-ed in annoyance. It’s time to prepare for class, 1115am.
xxx
That was two days ago, when the day tsunami of her life came crashing with a sweep – the unsolvable relationship problem, the dawning of understanding why her mom never made the call to ask about her ticket to go back, and the feeling of helpless that she felt as she tries to grasp all the things that just happened. All happened within three hours and adding to it, one after another. The pain in her heart became overflowed to a point that she could not even recognize the pain as pain. Her Lightyears moment came crashing without a knock, yet again. She wonders when it will all end.
xxx
“Do you think we’ve settled our problems,” Arii asked.
“No. We are still pretending. I know,” Azry answered.
Her mind wanders as she watches the film unfolds in front of her eyes. She wishes they can talk. There’s no longer a problem between them, but two broken hearts that lost their means of communication due to self-ignorance. There’s nothing that one can do to fix this unless a compromise is made before one pair of eyes shuts down – a compromise that could be achieved by action and mutual understanding. It seems that she’s again hoping for the unbelievable but she would like to believe that after the past couple of day’s incident, he would definitely give a change a try. She just hopes that she would not end up in another drugged sleep tonight - from disappoinment.
The ringing of her phone waked her up from her daydream – Azry’s calling.
“There’s trouble at home. Will tell you later about it. Bye,” was all she heard when she answered. Knowing the importance of the situation, she said okay and let him do what he needs to do to handle the situation.
As she dialed his sister’s number to check up on her, she doubt that the promised talked would even happen. She closes her eyes as she wills the pain to stop and wills herself to understand – she fails.
xxx
As she drifts into another realm where dreams are non-existent, she smiles. Another drugged sleep, unavoidable, and soon after she thought of the three words, her breathing becomes even and her face portrays peace.
Labels: long journey of the brain
Middle Finger
19 February 2009
Middle fingers up and down and all around to them.
Ungrateful, disrespectful little B's.
Fuck you.
Ungrateful, disrespectful little B's.
Fuck you.
Labels: beechy
Arii 7 : Mended / Broken?
16 February 2009
Arii looked in the mirror and just stared at herself for a very long time. Everyday she wonders who she is and today she finally knows. For every second she looks into her own eyes, she sees who she is and how she has become to be that person today. She loves who she was before – a girl who cannot be described by a single adjective. She knows she can no longer be that person entirely. She’s saying goodbye to herself once again, for the third time - all because of love. A single tear escapes her eyes as she willed herself to be what she has to be. Numb.
xxx
Azry never get to know why. Azry never get to be held responsible for what he made her become. He looks at Arii and he felt a grateful feeling mix with a deep sense of love stirred in his heart. He knows she is the one. He was blinded by his feelings that he could not see the sadness in her eyes, the false smile holding back her tears, the broken glasses of her heart. All he could see was, in front of him, stands a beautiful girl that made his world perfect.
xxx
Her heart is broken again.
His heart, finally mended.
Labels: long journey of the brain
Arii 6 : His Mumbled Worry
14 February 2009
Arii sits facing her laptop with tears streaming down her face. “Aara where are you? I need you now.” Her heaving sobs are clear to those who are near. The pain in her heart burst through her whole body and all she can wish for is to still can survive tomorrow after this. She curls up, holding her leg close to her chest and wailed her heart out. She needs Aara and his sensible head. She needs him to numb her heart. She needs his love.
In a daze, she holds the scissors to her arms and she slowly makes deep cuts on her hand. The pain never did register to her head. The blood still did not show. She’s not satisfied. She run the scissors over and over again on her skin till the pain registers to her head. Finally she can feel that the world is almost right again.
As her sobbing cease, Arii walked towards the medicine cabinets and took out her painkillers. Five pills at once she swallows and soon after, she could feel her body relax and her sobbing cease entirely. She knows if this continues she would be dependent on the painkillers but as per now, it’s the only thing that could numb her body without affecting her thinking mind entirely.
xxx
“Aara, where are you?” as I fall into a drugged sleep clutching my favourite pillow close to my heart hoping the pillow would soften my landing later.
xxx
Aara look up to see the lights in her house are still on. He has the spare keys in his hand but still he doesn’t feel right to use them. All the way up in the elevator, he was praying that his instinct is wrong. Earlier today he had a bad feeling about Aari. She has been too quiet and too cheerful when he checked up on her today. He doesn’t feel that it is genuine - although she almost convinced him. There's still a tingling of worry in his head. That is why he is here now. To confirm the fact that she is okay.
“Arii, are you home?” he called out as he knocked the door. Even after the tenth time there was no answer. “That’s weird. Arii’s not one to leave the electricity on – especially lights. Her car is still at the parking lot.” His heart beats even faster now as he inserts his own set of keys in the locks. That was when he saw her.
xxx
Arii curled like a ball in the center of the room clutching her favourite pillow like it could save her. Her sobbing apparent and she seems to be in a trance. I looked around the house for any sign of Azry. Instead, I saw the painkillers and scissors on the table. I rushed to her side and scoop her up in my arms. She doesn’t seem to be aware that I was there.
“Aara, I need you.” she keeps on repeating. My heart broke listening to her silent chant in between her sobs. She’s look so broken that no one can do anything for her. I cradled her in my arms and tried to sooth her to sleep. Finally, she closed her eyes in a fitful sleep, with her head on my chest, hands still clutching at her pillows tightly. I can see dried blood stains on her pillow so I know; she did cut herself apart from taking the painkillers.
xxx
He carries me to bed and bathed my arms he told me. But I know there’s more to just that. Through my fitful sleep I heard his sobs, felt the tears that fall on my cheeks and felt his hand lovingly stroke my hair.
“Why Arii, why? What did he do to you? What happened this time? Why did you lose yourself this way? What makes you turn to the old you? Don’t do this Arii. You know it’s not you.”
I want to give him all the answers he asks for but I could not even open my mouth. Tears starts trickling down my cheeks again and I fell to sleep with his mumbled worry as my lullaby.
Labels: long journey of the brain
Arii 5 : He Remembers Nothing
Azry have not even the faintest idea on what she is babbling about lately. He tried to recall but not even a single word of hers make sense in his head. What have he been telling her? When he tries to recall, it’s like there is a buzzing sound of unrecognizable noise. After a long time of trying, he just gave up. He’ll know it when he knows it – he sooth himself and he drifts off to sleep.
xxx
“We can’t be together. You are everything that I want now, but soon, you won’t be. Things change when we are together for good. And I know you will.” Arii mumbled through her confusion.
“I love you, I know that but will you still be what you said you will be today, tomorrow? I know we can work things out if we push it, but I don’t know if I have the will to stay for that long – till the time you will be what you said.” And Arii walks away.
Azry just sat there letting her go. He was still looking at her retreating back when she turns and say, “Save us” and she hold out her hands, but Azry did not budge from his seat. He just sits there and let her drop her hands to her side and walk away with tears streaming down her cheeks. Tears were forming in his eyes too. He let her go.
Azry woke up with a start and he started crying. He wished his dream would not come true. He can’t lose her.
xxx
Dialing her number, Azry tries to think of all the things he promised her he would be. He wants to make it up to her. He knows that he has been slacking a lot on his responsibility lately and it is taking a toll on her. He wants things to be better for her. While waiting for her to pick up the phone, he looks at her picture and his heart started missing her badly.
Then it all came back to him – the promises he made to change, to be a better person for her and for them. He told her he would be the kind of person that would make everyone see that he is no longer the old Azry – the unreliable, lazy and immature boy. It is time for him to grow up. Her words haunt her then, “You are all words, but none of it is applied to your actions. Empty words.”
He quickly canceled the call before she answers and slump in his chair. He did forget everything. He never did fulfill all the things he said he would. Instead she’s the one who has to take his place – sacrificing her self little by little for him.
xxx
He calls again – this time he really needs to patch things up with her. Things should not be this way.
“Hello Sayang.” Arii said when she answered the phone.
“Hello Baby.” Azry replied – all thoughts of apologizing and patching things up with her flew out of the window when he heard her voice. He remembers nothing again.
Labels: long journey of the brain
Arii 4 : No Turning Back
13 February 2009
All day long, Arii was lost in her own little world of thoughts. She sees herself in such a distance that she feels comfortable being out of her own body – there’s no expectation, no demands, no stress, and most importantly, there is no feeling of numbness. She is at peace. Oh, how she wishes to stay where she is but the sound of the car engine being cut-off brought her back towards the laughter and chattering of her friends. She puts on a smile and hope it looks genuine enough in her friends eyes.
xxx
Nursing her phone, she looks straight out the window and let her thoughts wander again.
She remembered the first time she met Azry. He was her forbidden fruit – with his sweet words, promises and determination to always make her happy. The butterflies and her smiles were a permanent fixture in her stomach the whole time he is around. His blush always brought her to another level of surprise and when the day ends, all she could think of she can’t wait to hear from him again soon.
Day by day he tries to convince her that there would be no other person that could make her as happy as he would. Flattered as she was, she was still skeptical although loving the fact that she was his centre of his attention even though there are many of others fighting for their own attention-time from him.
As she dived deeper into the ocean with Azry, she saw the other side of him – the very opposite of his own words. There are many times that he could not recall her words or his words the night before. His memory was as slurred as his voice when they talked. Promises after promises were made but nothing came up real. Even then she could not stop herself from hoping that he would made it all real once it is official.
xxx
In love as she is, she feels the loneliness blankets her heart. Everyday, she uncovered her heart to feel the love she should feel. When the end of the day arrives, it covers back her even more fragile heart and a lonely tear would escape her eye. Her heart would stay battered.
Now, she questioned if making the relationship permanently serious is the right step forward. If only she questioned herself sooner. All of those happened months ago. She can’t turn back the time. She is in for good and her heart is tied so well to his soul. She can’t turn back.
xxx
“There’s no denying the love she felt for him,” Aara thought. “There’s no way she would see the sense in the words that we both know as the truth. She’s in too deep. If only the guy can see.”
Aara can’t get her sobs out of his head. He replays the entire letter she sent to him. She is really hurting by the whole situation. How can Azry be ignorant about what is happening? It is just so obvious that she has sacrificed her entire self to a point that she can’t even recognize her own feelings. Everyday it is as if she’s punishing herself. Her words scream ‘I am a bad girlfriend!’.
Is he abusing her mentally and emotionally? How can she be so stupid? I thought she is one of those who would not be played by any misleading situation. Speculation after speculation plays in his head giving hi a headache. "I've got to stop this." Aara whispered to himself.
xxx
Aara took out his cellphone and automatically dialed Arii’s number.
Labels: long journey of the brain
Arii 3 : That's a NO NO
11 February 2009
Arii woke up feeling she never did sleep last night. Her whole body aches and all she wants to do is slip back into the realm of dreams where peace is in abundance. In truth she would be if it’s not for the fact today holds the charm of being busy as a bee from afternoon till night. She’s sure that she will have tons to do middle of the night and again, she would be sleep deprived.
xxx
Arii sits on the bed and read the message that just entered. She looks at it silently and wonders how to react. She always wonders now – how should she react, what should she say, where should she go, and what should she do. For every little thing that he brought upon her, she wonders.
“Am I being unfair to him?”
“Why in the world do I feel like I dislike his constant need for attention? I knew he would be asking for them. I knew he would always be that way.”
“I should not feel irritated. It is normal for him to be this way.”
“I should feel irritated. I haven’t had any of my wants and needs fulfilled by him. I keep on trying to be understanding to him. He hasn’t returned any of it. He’s selfish.”
“That is unfair Arii. He tries and you know it. You choose to be where you are today. You knew the circumstances but you still go through it.”
“I did not have much choice. That was the only choice left.”
“There is another choice – lea..”
“No, Arii. Do not go there. That is a NO NO.”
xxx
Arii sighed. No wonder she feels tired everyday. Early in the morning her head squabbles with her inner self and each day, it is the same argument. It will be a long day.
Labels: long journey of the brain
Arii 2 : It's Almost 5 a.m.
The phone rings persistently. No one calls late this night. It’s almost 5a.m.. Grudgingly; Aari look at the phone for caller I.D. before answering.
Aara silently speaks, “Hey, did I wake you up?”
“Yea, you kind of did,” she groggily replies.
“I’m sorry. I just got home from a night out. Your latest letter worries me. Are you sure you are fine, literally fine, not metaphorically?”
Arii smiles before she answers, “I am surviving - nothing out of ordinary in this situation. I just wish you are here. I could do with a hug and a shoulder to lean on. I’m opting for a silent communion though. Not a talkative one.”
xxx
Aara sensed her deep pain and wished he could just give her what she needs instead of giving her a call. Even this call was unexpected of him. It feels like a betrayal to his better judgment.
For long there was just silence between the two phones. This is how they usually are – an understanding bond of respect and comfortable companion. Ever since the beginning, he was drawn to her charming, witty and insightful observation of life - the way she could laugh even when things are so tough and the way she could pull herself together even when life presents the hardest test. Just then her sigh snaps him out of his own thinking.
“I’m glad you called Aara. I really am glad.”
He couldn’t find the right words to comfort her. All he could say was, “Things would be better soon. You are strong enough to know the right decision.”
All his bluntness and honesty flew out the window listening to her resignation towards life. Both of them knew that the best answer lies in the words of leave, but both of them knew she has no courage to do so just yet. He feels helpless as she starts tearing and he stayed with her till her sobs stopped and he hears her even breathing signaling she has cried herself to sleep again. He wishes karma would be fair to her soon.
xxx
In her dream, Arii feels a strong hand guide her to calmness and she knows Aara is by her side, just as she wished. And she drifts deeper into a contented sleep.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
Arii 1 : The Werewolf Moon
“Hello.”
“Hye. Remember me? We’ve met once on our way back home,” Arii replied.
“Oh yea, we did. So, how are you?” he replies with a smile.
“Good. How about you?”
Their conversation trails off to the normal chatting of old friends, even at their first meet. The beginning of an interesting friendship, she remembers thinking in between the few sentences exchanged. And it definitely is. Even though they only got to know each other in a short time, they were fast friends immediately.
xxx
A couple of months have passed and still the banter is interesting between them.
“Where have you been my very-straightforward-blunt-friend? This extremely-too-honest-for-her-own-good-friend of yours misses our conversations,” Arii says after almost a month of silence.
He smiles and says, “Around. I’ve been very busy lately. I’ve had a bad start. So, what’s up dear honest-friend?”
Their conversation never did finish. The long distance friendship puts a toll to their conversation and it was cut short. Frustrated as she was for the shortened conversation, she was glad he did not avoid her. She likes having him as a friend. He never hides his words. He was always honest about his thinking. And at this moment, Arii needs his too-blunt-comments to bring her back to a place she wants to be, the reality.
xxx
Arii is starting to feel an invisible pressure in her life. A pressure she is unwilling to admit but she knows one day she must, just not at this moment. Staring at the pressure, she wills herself to be strong just for a longer time to see if she could adapt or work around it. At this moment, the only thing that keeps her going was her constant too honest description – although at times vague, to him. She does not expect a reply, because there shouldn’t be.
He is an imaginary friend she made – a friend that would be conjured up when the moon is bright and round – when it is the werewolf moon.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
the charade continues ..
The silent snores and the sound of the crickets – signals the sign of the close down of my brilliance performance. The little soothing sound brings peace to a conflicted soul, a longing, battered heart and a troubled mind. The things I would trade for a little understanding is priceless but at this moment, no one considers it as a good bargain, thus I stay still at my spot, pleasing as I go.
--
Another day, another show. Tomorrow would be my biggest and toughest test so far. We’ll see how well the show would be.
--
Newsquiz beckons. Sweet Dreams.
Labels: long journey of the brain
what would it be like if .. ?
10 February 2009
A mother chose a stranger over her own daughter. I was baffled by this situation. I know I rarely go to this area of understanding but the past few days occurrence made me wonder what triggers such strong emotion in a mother that she could put aside her own daughter’s feelings to attend to a stranger – one she would love to adopt? It is so unlike her but as it is happening, what she has accused her off is unfair and too judgmental. A mother should not be in such character. But how can they not? They are just human, just as my mom handling a grown up daughter and the hurt of a betrayal she felt for an action done by myself.
---
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, a huge deal for those who are in love. As for me, I doubt any celebration is necessary – for now. Not with the way things are at the moment. No one says a relationship has to be perfect. Just like any other couples, I am experiencing the imperfect side of a relationship; the hunt of finding the balance between two wants, two needs and two demands. Who would lose and would the game be fair, only time can tell. To those who would be celebrating; Happy Valentine’s Day to you. I am sure that the roses would look perfect in your room along with the little gifts that would make the two of you closer than before. Enjoy the dinner for two at a romantic restaurant and if movie ‘New York I Love You’ is out, it is the right kind of movie to watch on that special day.
---
My birthday is soon. 10 more days and I will be 23. Nothing horrible about being 23 though, just that it would be the first time I would spend the time without my family. The sadness engulf me each time thinking of not being able to feel my mom’s hand wrapping around me telling me she loves me or even my little sisters and brother excitingly tell me that I am old or my dad’s fear of losing his first daughter to adulthood. Torn again between two wants, two love and two different perspectives on this particularly broken family, I have yet to decide where I would be on the eve and the day of my birthday itself.
---
I am suffocated by this situation. The constant headaches and heartaches have started yet again. I hate the place I am in – forced to change against my own nature. Nothing interesting about me now; I am the girl you see – an empty shell with empty slots to fit to your nature. I am nothing. Fill the slots with your likes of attitude and I’ll be your perfect robot, one that will give you the best service you can ask. When can I be me without compromising me?
---
---
The charade is heavy. Work beckons. Good Night.
Labels: long journey of the brain, teardrops of silence
life is definitely like this
09 February 2009
So you see I am here in the middle of a beautiful mess that I created. It's such a beautiful, artsy look about it that it leaves you feeling-less. Numb would be the right description for it. I wonder at times how I can let myself be this way. How can I let myself be drag once again into the pool of darkness, the pool of familiarity when I vowed to turn my back to it to find the clear, blue sea?
Life is like this – whenever we feel that we have a grip of our reality, it slaps you around, pull the rug you are standing on, laughed at your downfall and bully you till you have no idea of your own sense of direction. There’s no sense of right and wrong in it. It just gives you more choices to choose from – more roads open to explore, more chances to make things right.
Last night may probably among those worst nights I have. The least I can say is, it is out and I can finally decide which direction I should take. As it has always been in my life, love wins thus my decision to be where my direction would head. It can’t be helped when sacrifices are needed, burden gets heavier or things get tougher. All we can do is put a straight face, accept and pummel into things head first and hope you land softly on a bed of grass.
Things may never change from the history; and history repeats itself all the time in my life. It’s a familiar road taken just a different companion and a different time. Maybe this will end better since I have lots of practice in the past. yes, it will surely be better.
Labels: long journey of the brain
Lightyears Moment
04 February 2009
It’s a lonely life here in Melaka. I have two friends that can be considered my best friends and even then – we meet during class times and meal times. When there are extra activities, may be we would be together, but as it is, their homes are nearer to this place making it easy for them to go home, when things are tough on when time gets too lonely. They are friendly people. They make friends easily through out the time they are here. As for me, I am always loyal to few. Past time experiences makes me extremely cautious with those I hang out with. Thus, the lack of friends.
There are a few others that I can consider being close friends with, but the circumstances makes us meet less often and at times, feel like we are drifting apart. A situation I am very acquainted to. Day in and day out, you will hear the name of Jack, Fya and at times Wan mentioned – for those who listens to me rambling about them. They are my ‘family / friends’ here in Melaka. And they are all from around Semenanjung itself.
At times like tonight, when the loneliness is too much, I wish I can run to a place I can be with those I care about and love – like my family, my Nazrin, my old friends, my step-family or even my substitute family. At least the loneliness ease, if not a little. Most of the times, I am unlucky. When this moment strikes, I would always be alone, stuck with two strangers who considers me as a disgusting stray cat that won’t leave their happy place or when the bad luck hits full force, alone while everyone is with those they love.
I want to let this all out to them, making them understand that I need them at these kind of moments but sometimes, their need for alone time make me stop myself. The littlest one among us three has a boyfriend and when the time comes; she wants to be with him most of the time. Meanwhile the eldest has the many girls he is interested with, and having me around, he makes it sound like I am a burden, so I am thinking of stopping my constant badgering him to let me tag along.
I guess I may talk out of the feeling of sadness but I think I might just make my mind up about all of this. It is hard to survive alone without the help of others, especially now as this place holds nothing close for even a little comfort. Life is always unfair and at times, it is just plain hard. I just need to suck it up and live through it. There is always a tomorrow and I will still be okay – maybe thinner, but okay.
My Lightyears Moment is back.
Labels: teardrops of silence