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the alien  Liss S. (: 23. && Watt's.((: Loves Ice Cream && Chocolates. o.o I am currently in need of new shorts! 0.o" Loves Shopping. Heart Books :)) Still in Learning Processes. Enjoying the ups & downs of my life. C: |
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scream out loud archives
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bye, bye ~ |
Every year we say our goodbye
27 March 2009
Goodbyes are never easy no matter what people say. To say goodbye to the person you love most, would bring tears to your eyes any day. To say goodbye to a friend that you treasure also would leave a bleak feeling in your heart. What more to say to a family you loved all your life. But there are no stopping goodbyes. When it comes, it comes.
Goodbyes between you and I happens as often as everyday. When we meet, there is no knowing when I will see you again or when can we be this way again. As much as I want us to always be together forever, I know it is pure impossible. Sometimes life takes it course to meet us every once in a year. And then it takes you away from me again till the next time we will meet. Sometimes I wonder when this cycle will end. Who would bring it to an end? Who would care enough to still keep it going? But who am I to question fate when it has its own agenda set to bring us to the desired path? Just a figure of human that will always be there when time ask me to, careless of the interpretation a person would give to it.
When you are happy, I will be happy. But when you are sad, I feel your pain as well as you do. Be angry at me when you need to, because I can take it. I am strong enough for both of us and I would not want to see you crumble. Everyone may not believe me to be the way I am now, everyone would assume a hidden agenda beyond everything. But all I want to do is be the only one person believing in you just as I would believe in myself when no one else does. It only takes one person to bring the shine in a dark tunnel, to restore the pearl in an empty shell and I try to be that person for you as best as I can. Because I know every one of us needs it.
Another goodbye is looming and I can sense it is nearer and coming. The timing is almost right, it is always about this time and I knew it would come. I dreaded this day when it does arise but I know it is necessary. Remember, no matter what, I would always be there for you when life plays too hard upon you. I would lend you the shoulder that I crave, and the support that I missed. I would wipe away your tears just as I would wipe mine. I would give you the smile that I lacked when days are rainy. But most of all, I would lend you my heart till yours is healed so that you can go on with you life, just as I always wish you would.
Love comes in many forms and this is love that lasts eternity - the love that I share with you. I am sorry at times I come short. When we do cross path again, I promise I’ll do better for you. Take care, Afy. I love you.
Labels: teardrops of silence
Restraining Orders
24 March 2009
RESTRAINING ORDERS ON SELF!
LISS WOULD NOT BE LISS TILL FURTHER INFORMED.
XXX
UPDATES WILL COME AS SOON AS MY LIFE IS NORMAL AGAIN.
THANK THE ASSIGNMENTS AND CHAOS IN DAILY LIFE FOR THE LACK OF UPDATES.
XXX
TOODLES~
LISS WOULD NOT BE LISS TILL FURTHER INFORMED.
XXX
UPDATES WILL COME AS SOON AS MY LIFE IS NORMAL AGAIN.
THANK THE ASSIGNMENTS AND CHAOS IN DAILY LIFE FOR THE LACK OF UPDATES.
XXX
TOODLES~
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
It's my time to go
17 March 2009
10 minutes to live, and the lecturer said, "write a poem / a love letter to your loved ones." This is my poem - to all my loved ones.
xxx
I’m sorry I can’t stay,
I’m sorry I have to go,
A peck of light shines in the dark,
Dimming to nothingness,
As soon as I say my goodbye,
I have to go.
Please do not be sad,
Please always be strong,
I would still be here with you,
Deep in your beating heart,
Always and forever.
When I’m gone,
Live your life to the fullest,
Make sure all your dreams come true,
Never give up on love,
Never stop believing in you.
When sadness visits, wipe away your tears.
Just as I would, holding you tight, soothing your pain.
When the smile arrives, smile till your cheeks ache.
Find the beauty in the world, shine together with it, you are the angel.
When laughter knocks, let there be stitches on your side.
I promise you, life would always be better, just as long as you can laugh.
Don’t be angry,
Don’t be mad,
It is no one’s fault,
It is just my time to go.
I love you my dears,
I’m grateful for us,
Goodbye now,
I love you forever.
xxx
I’m sorry I can’t stay,
I’m sorry I have to go,
A peck of light shines in the dark,
Dimming to nothingness,
As soon as I say my goodbye,
I have to go.
Please do not be sad,
Please always be strong,
I would still be here with you,
Deep in your beating heart,
Always and forever.
When I’m gone,
Live your life to the fullest,
Make sure all your dreams come true,
Never give up on love,
Never stop believing in you.
When sadness visits, wipe away your tears.
Just as I would, holding you tight, soothing your pain.
When the smile arrives, smile till your cheeks ache.
Find the beauty in the world, shine together with it, you are the angel.
When laughter knocks, let there be stitches on your side.
I promise you, life would always be better, just as long as you can laugh.
Don’t be angry,
Don’t be mad,
It is no one’s fault,
It is just my time to go.
I love you my dears,
I’m grateful for us,
Goodbye now,
I love you forever.
Labels: teardrops of silence
Happy Birthday NADIYA
16 March 2009
a post specially dedicated to the best sister that one can ask for.
thank you for being there for me always - even at 3am.
thank you for having my back when things are bad.
thank you for always reminding me that i'm old :)
thank you for believing in me.
to the hottest sister in the family,
HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY
ON THE 17th :)
(mine was happy 23 on the 23rd :D)
i miss you :)
hope you have a blast on your birthday!
Labels: love
Venting Out
15 March 2009
Every semester, ten weeks into the semester, I would start to feel the deepest pressure of workload and my studies. I have a shitload of assignments and needless to say thousands of facts to be memorized, understood and applied. In addition to that, having kids as friends doesn’t help much either.
It must be around this time that everyone needs to be cranky and demanding every ounce of my attention. Love life in trouble, going blank about assignments, needing the spoon-feeding moment, couldn’t understand the studies and so on. It can be tiring most of the time.
Sometimes I can contain the anger but when fatigue and stress overwhelms me, I would just want to blast out and leave my hand mark across these babies. No, I do not hate you or particularly dislike you but I am no superwoman. I have my own problems, worries, stresses and the same workload maybe even more than most of you but it is in no fair amount for you to be piling it at me, just as I should not be pissed at you for doing so.
It would help a lot if everyone stops being a child and be mature – but then again, what am I to hope on here? Enough that I have a kid to deal with everyday, adding to the collection of stress I am already in, no wonder I feel like a mother most of the time.
Tired, grumpy, cranky, over-stressed and in need of a real companion – I just want to be stress-free. I am definitely looking forward to Friday. I hope it’s better than I anticipated.
Labels: ANGER, teardrops of silence
Not This Time
13 March 2009
Let me leaned my head on your shoulder.
I need a place to rest.
My head is too heavy for me to hold.
My body is too weak to fight.
Tears ran down my face.
And you wiped it away.
My body shakes with sobs.
And you pulled me closer.
We sat there in silence.
Joined at the hips.
One hand surrounding me.
Another, fingers entwined.
Things have been bad around here.
Too many things, all at once.
I can’t get my head to grasp it.
My heart loses the battle.
I feel alone and angry at times.
I feel ignored and worried.
I just want to be understood.
I just want to be me.
You said, I should be me.
But we both know I can’t.
It’s not the right person.
Not at this time.
So lend me your chest.
Hold me close to you.
I am in your embrace.
Where peace is whole.
- Arii
I need a place to rest.
My head is too heavy for me to hold.
My body is too weak to fight.
Tears ran down my face.
And you wiped it away.
My body shakes with sobs.
And you pulled me closer.
We sat there in silence.
Joined at the hips.
One hand surrounding me.
Another, fingers entwined.
Things have been bad around here.
Too many things, all at once.
I can’t get my head to grasp it.
My heart loses the battle.
I feel alone and angry at times.
I feel ignored and worried.
I just want to be understood.
I just want to be me.
You said, I should be me.
But we both know I can’t.
It’s not the right person.
Not at this time.
So lend me your chest.
Hold me close to you.
I am in your embrace.
Where peace is whole.
- Arii
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
Arii is Finally Over.
10 March 2009
The story Arii has reach an end.
Thank you for those who has been reading the stories.
:)
Thank you for those who has been reading the stories.
:)
Arii 13 : Empty Shell
“I HATE YOU! YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME! I’M GOING NOW AND THIS TIME YOU CAN’T STOP ME!” I yelled through the screen.
Anger seethed through me like the snake venom slowly making my whole body rigid. In my head hatred towards her and her obnoxious attitude fan the fire in my already burning heart. Why can’t she just listen to me once? Why is it so hard to choose between me and the pills? This time she has gone too far. It’s over and I’m done with her dramas!
Luckily that she is far or I wouldn’t know what I would do to her. “Argh!” I scream inwardly. I want to die. I’m tired of all of this. First it was mom now Arii. They are both the same. They don’t care about me. All they care about is to put the blame on me. I’ve followed everything that they say and still they blame me.
xxx
In an effort to calm the fueling anger in his heart, Azry broke his glasses and trashed his room. Too much anger and hurt boiling in him and he still can’t shake the feeling off. The idea of suicide appeals more and more to him and he wants to do it – just for the fun sake of calming the fire.
Before his first suicide attempt, he messaged Arii’s close friend, Afeeya, “I am going to die. Take care of my soul-mate. Tell her I love her so much.” But, suicide attempt number one failed. He lies on the bed and pity just how lonely he is.
xxx
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she read the words on her laptop screen. Tears of sadness mixed with tears of relieved. The hopeless relationship finally ends with a goodbye – a parting ways of two people who used to be so in love. She read her own words, word by word, words of her life, and let her tears roll freely down her cheek, as a gift to goodbye.
Relieve to the lifting of the humongous burden on her shoulder, she smiles at herself in the mirror. Through her eyes, their reminiscence swam in and out the current of memory and she wishes him good luck in live - a silent prayer sent to above. All the blame he threw at her she took without complain. She says sorry and she accepts the abuse sent her way. All the anger, hurt and pain he said caused by her she apologized. Still she can’t let go of the tingling worry in her head. She dials his number to confirm his decision.
Numerous times she dialed; he ignored and rejected her calls. When he does finally answer, she can hear his sobs of anger and his voice strained when answering her. She knows that her voice holds no warmth as she asked but he put down the phone even before he answers. One word he mutters that makes sense to her head, “Text.” Quicker than when the burden was lifted off, the burden came back. His cries of attention show that she is yet to be off the hook. Arii let out a deep sighed and willed her self to be strong to face a tough night ahead.
xxx
All the time he messaged her, his anger increased another notch. Just when he thinks he can’t be angry anymore, it increases again. Her words were soft, her words full of care but somehow in my mind it all seems pretentious. She’s no longer the Arii he loves and she is definitely the traitor in this relationship. She does things that hurt him and she blames him for everything that happened to them, even if she didn’t say it. He can’t take anymore of her hypocrisy and he attempted a second suicide which almost left him soulless.
xxx
“I wanna die.”
“Why?”
“Idk.”
“And you still want to die?”
“Yes.”
“Give me one good valid reason why you want to die.”
“I tried to kill myself again. I want to die.”
“You want me to call for help?”
“No.”
“You still want to attempt suicide?”
“I wanna die.”
“I’m asking for help. You mum should know if you want to die.’
“Please, don’t tell my mom.”
…
The whole night their message banter goes on in this tone. Arii did tell his mother on the matter and she advised her to ignore him. Arii has a test the next day and there are still lots to be studied, thus his mom told her to concentrate on her studies and not his attention-seeking drama. Even then, Arii feels obligated to message Azry till a point where he goes silent and she didn’t bother to give him a call to check if he is alive or not. Her studies are her first priority compared to him now.
xxx
Five in the morning, after three hours of sleep, Arii woke up to finish her studies and her essay. Azry saw that she is awake again, he buzzed her through her messengers and requested for her to call him. Knowing that there would not be much to talk about, she declined with the reason people are sleeping in the room and it is rude to wake them up with their argument. Thus, they chatted. One small incident triggered another bout of argument between them and she sighed. Her book open to the chapter she has yet to revised, her laptop open with his chat-window as her background, she let her eyes travel back and forth in hope that her effort would pay off when the time comes.
Azry: I love happy day
Azry: I hate you
Azry: You want everything from me
Azry: Every bad things u throw it to me
Azry: I wanna stretch
Azry: But I need someone to talk to
Azry: Hey
Azry: I knw you
Azry: Arii!
Azry: Huh!
Azry: U!
Azry: U take drugs
Azry: Ewwwwwwwwwww
Azry: Hahahha
Azry: Same goes to meeeee
Azry: Hmm
Azry: Hey you
Azry: Can you do me a favor?
Arii: Wad?
Azry: Can you help me
Azry: Tell me what is goin on?
Arii: I cn tell u wad is going on but thrs no use. To u, im throwing all d bad things at u.
Azry: Can u call me
Arii: Think again, hu tells u dat wad u do is right n nt wrong?
Azry: I need to talk
Arii: No i cnt call u
Arii: I finished my credit last night trying to save u
Azry: Did u call ur friends?
Arii: Hah! I wish!
Azry: Meaning?
Azry: That
Azry: U dont wanna talk to me?
Azry: Oh fine
Azry: Its ok
Arii: I finished my credit trying to save u
Azry: Im used to it already
Arii: What part of dat says I dun want to talk to u?
Azry: People ignore me when i ave nothing
Arii: Yea. I’m one of them, right?
Azry: They talk bullshit about me
Azry: Even when i dont know anything
Azry: Naah
Azry: Ur nice
Azry: U wanna listen to me
Azry: I like you
xxx
Azry finally admits that he does the suicide attempts because he wants her attention. His text continues till the early dawn when he couldn’t keep himself up to see the screen.
“You ignore me and you give your attention to other people more. I’m lonely when you do that but I keep quiet. I just want your attention.”
“Will you be my Mrs. Cookie again and go to la la land with me?”
Shutting down her brain, Arii accepts the offer and with just that, they are together again. Arii vowed that even if her heart hurts, her self lost, and her mind goes numb; she’ll obey his wishes for now. She’ll give him what he wants even if he made things worst for her because that is what she is to him – just the very one girl he can’t live without and he is willing to bend her to any point as long as he can keep her with him forever.
xxx
You have controls over me that I never did approve of, but it is okay. I let you have the controls even though I know the controls that you have on me would kill me slowly. It will be better if I die, rather than you do.
I may act like my heart is in your hand.
I may let you believe that no one could make me love you like you did.
I may keep quiet when you made the changes you did to my life.
But,
What you have is just an empty shell of a human.
I am dead.
I denied myself the respect I should get.
I let myself take the blame of your deeds.
I let myself be abused by you.
An empty shell of a human – a dead soul.
There’s no doubt that I do love you.
But whom you love, is just an empty shell of a human.
-Arii.
-The End-
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
Arii 12 : Happy 100th Day
05 March 2009
I cry out in need for you to be here with me, to shower me with your love, to save me from this pain that has caused me deep misery and endless days of tears – but you were not there. You were away to heal a friend – endless friends who needs you each time I need you too. As always, they won the fight while my tears threaten to fall down my cheek but I refused their request. I would not let others see my pain, not even you.
Arii saw, listen and notice the havoc of her surroundings. Laughter, smiles and loud conversations carries in and out of her senses, but none heal her heart. She fought her tears every second, she plasters the smile that the world needs to see, and she creates a conversation to distract all. None saw the pain she held in her heart, the burden she carries on her shoulder, the need for her to have a person whom she can rely on, the aching for her boyfriend, it was clearly cleverly disguised. She succeeded to fool all. If only she can fool herself too.
xxx
Azry screams in anger.
“How disgustingly selfish can she be? I am there and she claims that I am not. When I tried to be by her side, she told me to leave and now she blames me for not being there?” His anguish thoughts stay with him through out his drive towards the hospital.
Right now he has other things to worry about – her selfishness can wait.
He’s tired of her constant changing demands. He’s tired of her accusations. He’ll just go with the flow for now. She will just have to be clear one day. He’ll wait for that day. That’s what he will do, wait and his attention was diverted by the huddles of his friends at the emergency room.
xxx
Aara sat beside her as she let her tears flow. No words need to be spoken; he is a part of her soul, her mind, her heart. He felt what she felt, he heard what she thought and he feels the pain of her soul.
She put the pills in her hand and looks at me. Even with my better judgment, she swallows it and told me to wait for the effect. Her chest starts to feel sharp pangs of pain, her nose dripping with fluid from her brain, tears rolling down her cheek, breathing is harder and her whole body turns a slight blue from the coldness she felt. She’s in peace, she said and I sighed.
She turns to her drawer where she kept her scissors and I hold her hand from reaching out. She looks probingly into my eyes and wonders. She nods and obeys for now.
“Let’s talk now,” she whispered as she covers her face with her handkerchief, pulled the blankets over her cold body and turn to face the empty wall where in her mind, I would sit and hold her hand while listening to her sobs and cries. We talked.
xxx
When will this ends? Whose ego would be lowered? Where is the understanding plane? Would it finally be cleared – the misunderstandings, the misconception, and the miscommunication? Or, would it be the end of a once hopeful relationship?
xxx
"Happy One Hundredth Day Azry. I will always love you," Arii mumbled as she drifts off to the drowsiness she waited for.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
A little explanation
Arii is a story of my feelings, my wishes, my wants, my needs and my thoughts. Just as Harni described it, you are reading my thoughts – words per words. Based on my life story, I wrote this to deal with everything at a third person view, hoping that one day I would find the answer to a bleeding heart.
Arii – The Girlfriend
Azry – The Boyfriend
Aed, Amz and Afy – The Exes
Aara, whom I rely on the most, was a friend who went missing. I then conjure him up always when I need a friend to talk to. From a real friend, he then becomes a friend I wish him to be, and currently and will always be, an imaginary friend of my needs, my wants and my subconscious.
It is indeed a hard time for me to go through. Sometimes I think this story has made me bias towards myself, focusing purely on myself when I should also be focusing on my boyfriend. Thus, the few periods of silent. Maybe it is an act of lowering my own dignity by putting on my real love story for the world to read, but that is beside the point in my view. I achieve calmness after I finally post the whole being of my heart and head here. So, it will always stay.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
Arii 11 : It's Okay
With the pills as my lullaby, I drift into a dream that I built. There stood Aara, talking to me; just as he would any other day I conjure him up. This time, it’s almost real, we talked and we cried. We laughed and we fought. But come to a point, we both just sat in silence as he hold me close.
“I don’t think you love Azry anymore. I know you well and I know there won’t be a day that will pass without you feeling like an idiotic fool for loving this person in the future.”
Arii sat in silence and let his words bath her thoughts. She remembers Aed and his conquest years before and how she feels like she is in almost the same position as before. Just the difference is that she is blessed with remembering all the details and a numb heart. She’s confused and Aara’s statement is not helping to keep her head straight. Thus she sat in silent and her dream drifts into nothingness as she slips deeper into a hole she loves.
xxx
Azry just got back from his impromptu speed to a place he thought he could think. Many things happened and he wishes to share it with Arii. He knows now what to do, and he knows he has a lot of apologizing to be done with. He just hopes that all would forgive him.
“Hello Baby. I miss you! I miss you so much!” my cheery voice resonates.
The voice in return was not as I expected. I left hearing her happy voice only to come home to the voice I have been hearing over a month. The coldness, the anger and the hurt return with full force in her voice and it left me speechless.
“Baby, talk to me.”
“It’s okay. You talk. I will listen. You told me that there were tons you wanted to tell,” the words spoken slowly and with retirement accentuated by the end of the sentence.
As how things were in the prior month, the conversation ended abruptly, with no solution, no agreement, or happiness. The future seems bleak now.
xxx
Arii finally controls her pill-popping habit. It has been three days since she last took the pills but every single night, she could feel the effect of the pills changing her body. She could feel her chest void of air, struggling to breath she tries to find a position where her stomach would stop stabbing her with little daggers from all corners. Uncomfortably, she drifts into a sleep she knows would leave her waking up every hour.
Hair sticking to her neck, sweat soaking up her shirt, she woke up with a sigh. She lies down on the bed with her eyes close and tries to fall back to sleep again. Instead she started thinking of all the things in her life and the things she heard from her friends.
The healing scar on her hand brushes roughly on her face when she drapes her arm there. Thinking to self, everyday has been the same – the anger, the hurt, the coldness. She wills herself to open up her heart but no matter how hard the effort she puts in it, it would not happen – her heart would not blossom. It struck her that she has not only made an uncomfortable life for herself, but also for Azry that deserves to be happy. She tries to be honest with him, to accept him in her heart again, but each time she tries to communicate with him, she end up being cold and bitchy when it has never been her intention to be so.
He’s just a kid Arii – barely an adult. High expectations of him to be who you wish and whom he promised is still a long way to come. There would be no reason for him to grow up just yet, not even his love for you. It is not time for him to grow up. You need to let go of this hurt you are holding onto. No matter if everyday you found out things that drag a knife across your already battered heart, you should just ignore it and create happiness for him - just as you realized now how he would put off your feelings to achieve his own satisfaction. Maybe one day, the happiness would rub off on you and you would feel the happiness you gave to him.
Tears trickled down her face as it always does every time she thinks of the position she is in. she wants to act, but the pain holds her back. She wants to be happy but his voice or anything that is related to him becomes a constant reminder of his ignorance and his lack of apologizing manner. Days to weeks to months she waited for the word ‘sorry’ to be voiced out with sincerity and full of meaning – it never did. She shuts down her brain from thinking too much of it and summarizes that she would be a different person tomorrow.
Tomorrow comes and it almost ends but she could still feel the grip of ice around her heart. She wants it to end; she wants the pain to go. She wants to try to be happy – she just can’t. She is in love but her heart is for her to keep, no longer Azry’s. She’s numb as her heart buries itself deep – out of reach.
Labels: long journey of the brain
Arii 10 : Hunger & Anger
01 March 2009
Her heart finally feels at peace. She let it all out for him to hear. Her pain, her anguish and her understanding was all out in the open by the time she ends the call. No matter if tears were streaming down her face, it was tears of relieve. She wishes that the feeling stays with her till always – she loves him and now she knows she will always be in love with him, no matter what. Their days would be once again filled with rainbows, butterflies and chirping birds declaring their happiness. No more days of pretending that the butterflies exist. This time, it is real.
That day seems so far away from today now. She sighs. She sits at her desk, head leaning at the bed post behind her while looking at the clouds rolling over with speed and darkness, signaling the upcoming tears of the mother earth. She willed herself to be strong and calm – ignoring the pain in her jagged heart. Her stomach grumbles along with the sound of the rolling thunder. No wonder she’s short-tempered now, Arii thought. Her hunger is affecting her emotions and she let her own tears fall as she pities herself.
xxx
“Thank you Sayang for opening my eyes to the things that I overlooked. I never did understand and now I do. Thank you.” This was the message he sent to her on the day she left him speechless as she poured her heart out to him. Even after the whole revelation, she still tries to sooth his heart endlessly. He knows she loves him, he just hopes he could live up to what he thinks he should do now. His resolution to be better strengthened with the parting words he gave her when his phone died later that night.
Today, Azry was bombarded by once again her aloofness and coldness. She calls him her policeman, keeping her a prisoner in a world she rebels to be free from. Sarcasm oozed from words she spoke and typed. She wouldn’t understand the need he has to protect her. He loves her too much to see her hurt in any way. His worry increases as he thinks of the fact that he’s not there everyday to protect her. Why can’t she get that he just love her too much thus his overbearing protectiveness and possessiveness. He’s obsessed with her. He would do anything just as long as she is safe. He sighed in resignation, just when things were looking up for both of them. Why must she be this way?
I hate you! Her last parting words played in his head over and over again. He’s at lost again. “I’ve tried to do things her way, she’s unhappy. All that she asked me to do, I’ve done it. What is more that she is asking from me?” He’ll wait for her storm to be over and then they’ll talk, careless if he sees no point in doing so. “Ahhh! I’ll decide later,” he said internally. He let out a deep sigh and turned his attention towards his friend, another person who needs his attention.
xxx
She can’t move. She’s practically glued to the sit she’s in. The day is dark and the rain pours endlessly. She seems hypnotized. A couple hours has passed since she sits here. Only her wet cheeks and her puffy eyes were the betrayer of the calmness that exuded from her position. New scars marked her arms, more pills habitat in her stomach. She couldn’t care anymore. “I just want the pain to end. Let the numbness be the queen again,” Arii mumbled to herself. “If only Aara is here,” she thought as the tears fall, soaking her already wet cheeks. “I need you,” the chant that filled her head as she conjured him up again, the way she always do.
xxx
Arii’s summon shows the depth of her pain. Aara took over her body and lead her to a peaceful place. He looks upon her and let her slips in the peace she was deprived from. Arii is not strong enough to be left alone. He wished he could blend in her and be a whole part together with her. As it is, that is not how it works.
He holds her hands, the way she always like it. It sooths her she said. Aara pulls her close to him and let her head dropped on his shoulder. He listens to her mumbled pain in silence and let her tears soak his shirt. He’s out of words - speechless. He can’t understand the need for her to beat herself up just because she wants a little bit of happiness.
“It’s not his fault Aara. Azry has always been this way. He loves me too much. I understand that he is just being the way he always is. I feel so guilty to even want to be happy without him here. He misses me, Aara. I wish I can sooth the pain of me being far. This is my entire fault, really it is. I’m sorry I cut myself again Aara. I know you don’t like it when I do. I didn’t realize I was doing it. My head feels so heavy now. Can I sleep here? Will you be here with me till I am okay? Don’t leave please. I do not want to be alone. I need you,” Arii muttered slowly. Hurt and guilt poisoned heavily in her words. He can only listen while he drew circles on her palm.
“Is it hard to love me Aara? Afy were always in pain when he was with me. Amz left me. Am I that complicated? I tried to be better always. I promised I will always be better. When I am already the person they want, they leave. Why can’t they understand me Aara? I feel so useless sometimes. I gave everything that they want. I gave away everything that I want and need. I sacrifice so much but why is it still so hard to love me? Aara I wish I can be the person they could love without complain. Why is it so hard to love me Aara?” A new bout of sobs broke and shakes her whole being. She cried with such pain and confusion raking from her body. In dismay I pulled her closer to me while she cries, matching the downpour outside.
“Shh.. Shh.. Shh… Stop crying baby. It will all be okay. I’m here now. We’ll get through this together. I promise. Shhh… now.”
Azry felt his own tears trickled down his face as he sympathize this small, broken girl that carries the burden of the world in her. He holds her till he felt she goes limb in his arm. The pills must be affecting her now.
“The pain is gone Aara. The pills finally worked,” she slurred while her whole body droops with numbness. He told her to lie down on the bed while he lies down next to her. Her face portrays peace that always appears after the pills play it course. He moved the locks of hair that covers her face and kissed her forehead.
“It will be over soon baby. I’m here now,” he mutters to her ear. She smiles her sweet smile and they both moved to the realm of fantasy.
Labels: long journey of the brain