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the alien  Liss S. (: 23. && Watt's.((: Loves Ice Cream && Chocolates. o.o I am currently in need of new shorts! 0.o" Loves Shopping. Heart Books :)) Still in Learning Processes. Enjoying the ups & downs of my life. C: |
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scream out loud archives
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quickies
31 May 2009
been busy this week - thus no updates.
mom was busy with outside work.
the house is my chore. **housewife in training**
night time was spent wisely with Watt. (:
I'm experiencing writer's block - its hard to describe the experiences.
lots of things to jot down && there's always something that could not be explained with words.
I do not like feeling restless.
I do not like the fact that this new feeling is driving me nuts.
**sigh**
but I love it, every little bit of it, nonetheless.
will be away for two weeks
off to see the queen, the devils && the monalisa.
and oh, bitches of Kuching seriously have no life.
I quote myself,
"No fucked up mouth can be closed just because I crossed the border of Kuching."
move on && fuck off already.
no one wants you to disturb our life.
if I do irritate you with OUR happy life, I can only say I'm so sorry that yours is pathetic enough for you to bitch about OURS.
p/s:
if you are below Paris Hilton, that makes me way better than you. who the hell compare themselves with a stupid, idiotic, dumbass blonde anyway?
Labels: and as i speak my notes off.., beechy
L&W1: The Beginning
26 May 2009
Here’s a story of two people, from two different worlds, two different areas. Here is a story of two people scared to be in love but giving it a try. Here is a story of two people, who met years ago, as strangers and end up as couples. Here is a story of coincidence. Here is a story of us.
Each year we complete our cycle on the same day, same date and, probably at the same time, every year since our birth – midnight; when everyone swamped us with their best wishes and greetings. Each year passes by without any hint of today. Each year, thoughts of the other rarely cross our mind, till recently. And recently scares both of us to the core.
We knew each other existed, but I never knew that we were a part of each other – twins of different parents, different genes, different DNAs. When we first met each other, eight years back, we were strangers. Names were exchanged, acknowledgment understood. We were not meant for each other back then. We both were somebody else’s. And I, being the oblivious person that I was, never take another backward glance at him. Even now, I can hardly recall memories that held him within it. Flashbacks of where I used to see him, and who he is with would travel in my head – nothing more, nothing less. He is just there, standing, or sitting or just looking. Reaching my first step of freedom, I met him again – still vague memories of him sitting at the famous restaurant there while I pass him by, exchanging nods or a wave swamped my head – nothing ever so concrete, just a blur. Come a certain point of time, we both moved. Now, he is where I am, and I am where he is, again unplanned. How and why, we both couldn’t find the right answer for it, yet.
How it all started between us is still a mystery for me. It is still a mystery for him. Even those around us find it, unexpected, out-of-the-blue, sudden. It never dawned on both of us that we would feel what we feel today. It feels like we’ve been set up, it seems too much of a coincidence. But this is the beginning of our journey - a journey that we both still recall till today; a journey of healing, of pain and of disbelieve. This is a story of how he came to be in my life, a part that strokes the chords of pain, love and beauty - a story of Liss and Watt.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
Mummy Dearest.
24 May 2009
Dearest Mum,
I would like to share with you something I have been waiting to share and tell for the past few days. Time were never on our side and I blame myself for having such doubts on what you would thought of this girl you once called stupid for being too in love.
When we talked about my love life, you never have the confidence for me to stay long with anyone just like everyone else in this world. I always thought that it is a habit that I could not end, an addiction for endless attention and love, a hunger for the care that I lacked before. But then tonight it dawned on me, I am this way because this is the way everyone believed me to be. As long as I do not stick to one, as long as I could jump from one relationship to another, I would not be stupid and I would not be the burden you don’t want to bear.
I remember the day you called me stupid in front of the house. You asked me, “Why are you so stupid Liss? Why do you make yourself this way?” You knew the answer, yet you still asked me because I remember you once were the way I was – on the floor, crying, searching for that strong pillar to hold you up, to give you strength, to understand, to let go. After all of it, you hugged me and told me, don’t be so stupid anymore. So I stopped believing in love.
Another came along and broke my heart – but you knew along the way, I was never loyal, even when I didn’t tell you about it. You knew I was in love with him, and at the same time, you knew being far would kill it all. You let it be, you never ask me again. One day the pain was too bad for me to handle and I knocked on your door. “Mum, he was with me just for revenged.” I said through the heavy sobs and tears. You hugged me close and said, “Its okay. There’s one eternal love – Allah s.w.t.. Just focus on your studies for now. Pray and study. It will be okay.” You said it all over again till my sobs subsides and I was finally sleeping. You never asked me again after that.
I bring home a couple of guys home afterwards. I didn’t tell you about those in KL and Melaka. I didn’t tell you about my reunion with Fidzel. I just told you that he’s helping me with my work. Somehow, I feel that your reaction would just be the same as Afiq. A disappointment that stabs through my heart far worst than any of those whom ever broke my heart because I needed you to believe in me, to support me, to give the encouragement that would boost my confidence up.
Well here is something I have wanted to tell you for the past couple of weeks.
I am in a relationship again mum. I bet you knew that through your Facebook. I also bet that you felt it would only be for a short while - toys that I found interesting then and there. Once boredom strikes me, it would be thrown away. I do not want to be that kind of person anymore mum. I want you to believe in me. I want you to encourage me. I want you to be a part of this.
He is me, mum. We were born on the same day, same year, almost the same time. We are practically twins of different parents. We could talk with our mouth shut; we could talk through our eyes. We share tons of things in common and the similarity strikes me as the bond that we felt is important. He wants what I want and I want what he wants. I know we are still new, but I need you to believe that we could make it, somehow, some way, now.
Coincidence after coincidence bumped into us and we could not ignore it any longer. We are confused mum, I am confused. I need you to walk me through this, but when I look into your eyes, I see all your answers, silence – as it has always been. I remember your sinister words that I took lightly once. It rang in my ear each time I want to tell you about this. It stopped me in the middle of my track. It made me wonder if you would just be like Afiq. The answer came clear, the answer need not be said – yes, you would.
I just want you to believe in me that I could do this mum. I want to tell you about him and how I feel so happy. I want to talk about the coincidence that struck us nonstop. I want you to be apart of all of this, just as his mum does. I want you to care about our relationship just as you cared about Lidia’s.
I’ve been away for 6 years mum and not once I felt you actually talked to me the way you talked to Lidia tonight. The bond you have with the others is something I envy, something that I wish I had. But I am an adult. I am supposedly free and mature - a grown woman who needs no mother to guide her but need to make her own mistakes and learn from them. Maybe that is why you didn’t care. Maybe that is why you turned a blind eye against all of it. Maybe that is just the way it is between us.
These are the things I want to tell you mum, tonight. But you were too busy lending your ears to others that needed it more. I am just the listening ear, the helpful hands, the workforce to lighten your burden. I take, but I can’t give – yet. I wish I can. I just want to share, but I can’t. I just need you to believe, tell me you believe, but I know it won’t happen. So it’s okay. Maybe I understand it now. I Love You Mom, even when this heart of mine bleeds because of you.
-Liss.
Labels: teardrops of silence
It is Confession that I choose.
22 May 2009
It has been really long since my last rant in my blog, thus I am going to rant till I am out of words. Pray that it doesn’t end just after this full stop, because usually, it does.
I think I want to do a confession. I think I want to blast out. I think at times I am right. I think they are idiots of forever. I think he’s an ass. I think he’s pathetic. I think life has its own surprises for me. I think I love them. I think he’s an asshole. I think I miss him. I think I want to have a reunion. I think I am partially crazy. I think I am maturing too fast. I think I want to be a housewife and a mother now. There are lots of things that I think and each one of them have their own explanation which is going to make this post really long if I do want to explain them, in length.
I choose to confess. I cheated when I shouldn’t cheat. I cheated in many ways when my mouth says I didn’t. I gave up my loyalty for something ore enticing, more appealing, much better than what I already have. The temptation to be real empowered the wants to obey. And in the end, I am satisfied.
The times spend with Afy is not something I regret when I was with Azry. A month plus I was with him and each time it gets awesome in a weird way but at the same time, it has its own worthlessness. Feelings were reignited, bonds were made, laughter exchanged, tears dropped, accusations flew. It was high school drama all over again, just much better. None of the times were totally memorable but each stay has its own unique taste of Afy. As much as I regret being in loved with him before, I would not trade my moments with him with anything. It is precious and it is him – careless if I was in a relationship or if I was not then. He always has been the master in stealing my breath away. Now things have changed a lot. I am admitting it (finally). I doubt I have the same feelings that I do for him before. I am different now and he is beyond saving. I am better off without him, careless if we spent six years going on and off waiting for each other, or better usage of words would be using each other. My feelings for him are purely ‘old remembrance’, a hallucination, a make believe. And now, I understand it.
In my mind, it serves Azry right that I cheated on him. That’s for making me depressed turning to Miss Mary & Miss Jane for some comfort, keeping numb with killers to pain and searching high and low for a moment of affection. Those days were the very least dark, but it also was among the moments that I am not proud of.
Sunburst was great – although not any better than last year but it still brings smiles to my face. Years I’ve been out of touch with Melissa and I finally did get both of us reunited again under the roof of sunburst. We exchanged stories, laughter and, hugs and kisses. Memories of being bumped around in the pit, lying down under the blanket of stars while listening to the music and chatters of others, sleeping in the middle of the field while waiting for the show to start, exchanging flirty glances with Freddy and getting excited to hear all the curses flying around from Pharrell and KORN. That night left an imprint as huge as the field itself on me. The best part of it, it got me connected to Freddy. Things would have been going the right way but then again, we were still in the process of getting to know each other and we’re practically clueless about each other making it partially impossible to be together. Plus, he was still with his girlfriend then. And, it will be another long distance relationship.
There was also Aby and Mamal who were constantly keeping in touch with me. They declared their vows of love; they were there to talk me into nothingness. I didn’t fly to a land of make believe listening to their confessions. Their declaration did fall on deaf ears, honestly, and they were never up for consideration, even if they were the most who spent their time in waiting and in taking care - a tad bit too secretive and too oblivious about me to a point that I feel them as a burden to my already full of burden back. They also never gave me good reasons for me to trust them entirely to protect an already fragile heart. Thus, goodbyes.
And oh, by the way, I do not loath you. It is not your fault that you are physically challenged. You do have this extremely caring attitude and also the fact that you were among those who quite know how to listen to my rants and knows just how to make me smile. But we could never be together even if you act that way. It is just not possible for me. And I did tell you not to start pointing fingers at me, but you did. The disappointment I felt were not long-lasting but it was still there. Then again, I could not expect anything more from a guy who has been rejected for lots of time from me, right?
Now, that’s a confession of the real me.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
My Storyboard - A Tribute To Ordinary Boy
21 May 2009
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
A Note For Afy
19 May 2009
A month ago I’ve always expected for you to leave. One month exactly after the post I made, you really did say your goodbyes. At first it hurts like hell, then I felt the familiar numbness I usually feel when you left me. The memories would swamp in my head and your words and the years of endless love I felt for you. Then the anger would well up and I want to do anything just to hurt you back, instead I stayed there in the darkness where life seems to go on monotonously. Soon after, I realized it is a good thing that you left – hurtful as it is, I am a better person when you are not around.
I hurt myself over and over again. I inhaled all the smoke like there is no tomorrow. I burnt the days alone at the house. Not once did you bothered to ask if I was okay. Here’s something for you to ponder, something that says ‘contradiction towards your own words’;
- “Please hurt me. At least it is you who are hurting me, not some ghost.” When I didn’t want to hurt you, you find faults that I never knew existed!
- “Just be yourself.” But being myself, is something that you couldn’t deal with, could you?
- “You don’t care about me!” Well I wonder what I have been doing a lot around you.
Three things you bombarded to me endlessly. We only gave it a try for less than 24hours and you could not deal with me. Weirdly enough, I didn’t even know it was official. Then again, it’s over even before it started. I paid six years of hell for a six months relationship and I even paid hell for someone that I shouldn’t have.
This were your words, what goes around comes around and I learnt firsthand, payback is a bitch. I hope you enjoy yours.
Labels: long journey of the brain