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the alien  Liss S. (: 23. && Watt's.((: Loves Ice Cream && Chocolates. o.o I am currently in need of new shorts! 0.o" Loves Shopping. Heart Books :)) Still in Learning Processes. Enjoying the ups & downs of my life. C: |
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scream out loud archives
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annoyed much
30 June 2009
seriously, i think i might be having a permanent PMS.
(alerting all those around me, i'm a ticking bomb at the moment.)
i've been biting the heads of my brother, i've been grumpy and snappy when disturbed and my patience always runs out the door after an hour of calming down.
or maybe i am just tired.
i woke up at 7.30am today and did all the house work by 11 (including showering and having breakfast.)
i was about to take a short nap when mom's bestie arrived, so i have to entertain her.
when she leaves, i was just about to close my eyes, and mom calls asking me to pick her up at the airport.
when i look at the clock, there's not enough time for even a short power nap, so i tried refreshing myself.
it worked but after a couple of hours my eyes felt droopy and my whole body is just resisting the workload that i still have to do.
so i ate - you know, for energy.
it worked for an hour or so.
by then, i'm already developing a huge headache and my eyes wanted to close every second i put my head to rest.
when i finally was able to rest - i had another work given to me, send brother for tuition and do go early (around 6.20) and it was 6 when mom called.
not enough time for a power nap again.
but i gave it a try anyway.
and boyfie endlessly messaged me throughout my sleep that i couldn't even sleep!
and now, i am annoyed and i know my long sms to him made him annoyed too.
i feel like sleeping in tonight, but i know someone would love to see me now.
and i know somewhere in between the night there would be, "please don't send messages like that anymore. it makes me angry." (sigh) i love him that much i would always say yes. (hahaha) i think i should apologize now for bursting. i've calmed down a bit. but i am still really sleepy! -.-"
frustrating sacrifices
29 June 2009
so there's this thing between my family & i
i do the house chores, they could all just relax.
the first week, i was okay - i love cleaning and making the house look tidy.
then the horrors starts, no one appreciates it nor want to give a helping hand, much.
practically i feel like a maid - and a not appreciated maid at that.
i am supposed to be going out on dates, meeting friends, enjoying the town or anything alike to it.
but instead i am stuck behind d bars of this house built by my dad.
and when i mean stuck behind bars, i meant it literally.
i'm almost in tears thinking about all the sacrifices i made for every one and none i get in return.
i did go out and meet boyfie and his friends :D
i am too darn tired to care about being the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect friend at this moment.
i just want to be free.
Labels: ANGER, teardrops of silence
Friends
28 June 2009
Friends. The real definition of it would always be a mystery to each and every one of us. But I do believe, we hold our friends at a variety level of interest. Some more closely to the heart than their family, some a bit further, some at a balanced level.
Many would say I do not appreciate the many friends that I have but in truth, I do appreciate them. I just do not commit to them as how the society would nowadays. Call me anti-social, call me a betrayer, it is how I am since I can remember.
I have a few really close friends that I’ve known for many years, and even them I treated just as normally as I would have treated them when we first met – random calls, at times months to years of missing in action, occasional how are yous and I miss yous, but nothing ever so concrete to tighten an existing bond. I believe I have my own ways to show my appreciation – even if those ways are none as the one they are accustomed to or even if it means a long absence or silence.
To say I do not appreciate my friends would be an understatement. I know the ones I can call my real close friends, the ones I can call acquaintances, and the ones I can call friends. Difference is I do not commit to a friendship as whole-heartedly as others might. I rarely do the ‘friends-day-out’ or ‘friends-night-out’ or ‘catching up’. Not that I do not make an effort to do so, I do, it would just seem less important to my family needs when the time arises.
I am not a very good friend, I believe. I am self-centered, selfish, ignorant and at times, maybe more than once, a bitch to most. One thing I know is, not even one of you whom matters to me; Afiq, Nadia, Teffie, Khabir, Aikall, and Eshee, ever slipped my mind. Each and every one of you have been with me through thick and thin, especially Afiq, whose friendship I have always abused.
I really want to thank you for always being there for me, but sometimes I forget and in the midst of making everyone happy, I realized being ignorant at times helped to lessen of the burden in my mind. Nothing too personal for me, but at times I am ashamed of how I’ve treated each and every one of you.
Too many worries would make the tears fall too often and I would be a walking zombie amidst the pale faces, I said and I know it would never be enough to make up for all the losses and all the broken hearts I left, but I hope it would be enough to make you understand.
I am sorry I am me.
One day I would make it up to you, some way some how.
When the time is right.
If I never did get around to it, do know that I appreciate each and everyone of you and I do love you.
I just do not know how to commit to friends.
I’m sorry.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
L&W3: I'm Staying
26 June 2009
It’s easy to deny ourselves of what hurt us than to admit it. As long as it is denied, it is beyond truth. And as long as it remains buried, things can be pretended as okay – even if the inside is just a volcano waiting to erupt.
xxx
A friend of mine told me that being alike makes understanding of our other half better than we would understand ourselves. And each moment would feel like a walk down ‘self-realization’ road – a self-made bitch slap that stings your cheeks for days! He was damn right about it.
Even through all the bitch slaps, I could not have stopped myself from falling in love with him. I used to pray, for many nights, to be granted one of the many wishes that pass through my head everyday. One of them is to meet me with someone that is exactly as I am in almost every aspect because then he would know what would make me happy and how to do it. To finally have my prayers answered were exhilarating and also a step towards realization. Allah is Almighty and He is the only one that would be the granter of our wishes.
Every wish would not be granted to the dot. If there is, then the challenge would not be enough to make us grateful, would not be big for us to understand the work of Allah s.w.t.. Even this wish has its flaws and holes. Many would expect imperfections to downgrade, but here, the imperfections would stay unrevealed. It is merely a wake up call to me, a realization, and another road with the many junctions to complete my other wishes.
xxx
Things would be rough, things would be crazy. At times, it could be unbearable. But we have given up so easily in the past, with a fight we thought worth it, with our dignity crushed to the core, but we know deep inside, it was not enough – none of the sacrifices were enough because we could have done better. We took the easy way out – to flee and be free.
Now I’m going to stay and surrender to you – to a fate that I think entwined us. I do not want to let go, I couldn’t let go. You make me a better person, make me myself. And that, with many other reasons, is why I love you.
You could ask me to leave, but I’ll never be far – because I promised I’ll stay.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..
L&W2: Mirage
When love grows, the hurt in us grows with it. The aches of the over-exposed heart make us double up in pain and at times weaken us to a point of not getting up from bed. That is how I feel sometimes. Maybe that is how it feels to give a part of yourself to receive the other part from your partner – making you and the other, each other’s better half.
Looking into his eyes during our earlier days, I wonder if we made the right decision to be together. I could have chosen another candidate, another twin – physically alike, to be my partner. Instead I choose this stranger that I felt as if I have known my whole life; a stranger that I have yet to figure out our future together because we both lacked it all. If there’s anything to describe how it feels; find yourself a mirror and look back into the eyes staring back at you through it. Sometimes we say we know who we really are but those eyes staring back at you is the eye of a stranger – person that we are scared to admit, a person we deny. That is who I am to him and who he is to me.
It always takes a huge blow to the heart for us to dig out the words to express the experiences of love, and I took mine last night. A huge dose of it and I top it up with another right this morning. But that’s going too far off from the coast of the storyline.
xxx
09.05.09, 2.32 a.m.;
the date and time when everything starts to work in sync with our everyday life. But sometimes, it throws us off balance that we had to part ways to stop hurting each other the way we both know could.
To see imperfections and flaws mirrored and done unto self the way one has done unto others – it is a feeling worst than killing a friend, embarrassment worst than nudity in public, pain worst than a dozen knives stabbing you from the back. But what can a person ask from a person they knew too well, nothing but to accept such cold, hard truth with heads held up in the sky and dignity still intake, as high as it should.
xxx
Nothing is ever going to be perfect for us. And, it will never be.
Labels: and as i speak my notes off..